A Few Things and 25 Days To Make A Difference

I'd like to apologize to everyone for my posting being so sporadic and uninteresting lately. Things have been kind of... weird. We're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death and everyone is kind of struggling here. Add to that the fact that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital last Saturday... almost EXACTLY a year after my grandfather was admitted and you begin to see a bit of the chaos that's been my life lately.

Mom is in Clear Lake with Grandma. I am trying... and failing pretty miserably... to hold down the fort here. I've managed to keep up with the laundry, the dishes and keep the house generally picked up but ummm... its kinda taking everything I have to do it. It's certainly not clean to the standards my father expects.

My nerves... they are shot. My eating has been.... eh. I'm TRYING but I keep taking little nibbles of this and that without thinking. Once I realize what I've done I get pissed and strengthen my resolve.. then make the same mistake again later. Meh meh meh.

I've been making a difference the last few days to my family. Doing all the above has made it possible for my mother to be with HER mother while she's ill. I haven't really had the energy or creative capacity to do much more than that. Sorry Laura... I'm still with ya. One of my friends is participating but not blogging btw! (L... you need to POST woman!) She's doing all she can to make things better for others as well!

Here we go...

This is my first blog post EVER. I am many things to many people, but, I am not a writer. Any gramatical errors, spelling errors or blogging faux pas that I make will hopefully be forgiven.

Now that I've got the disclaimer out of the way I thought I might introduce myself and my family to you. I have a 6 year old son (we'll call him Shecky), a 38 year old husband (We'll call him R.), and an 18 month old long hair'd Dachshund named Mei-Mei. I'm sure you'll get to know all of us better than you ever dreamed, probably better than you ever WANTED to. Heh.

This blog has a specific purpose. I weight 457 pounds. I recently started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time in an attempt to rectify my weight. I've tried liquid diets, beet diets, cabbage diets, starvation diets, low carb diets... you get the idea. I've attempted everything under the sun with little positive result. Recently, I figured out why. I had given up on myself a long, long time ago. I've had a weight problem all my life. Never THIS bad, but, its always been a fact of my life. I never used to let it stop me. I worked full time, had many friends, was a social butterfly. I used to go to Karaoke Bars and sing once or twice a week. I used to sing competitively and did quite well. I used to act in local "Little Theater" troupes. I was proud of who I was and what I did. Somewhere, somehow, I lost all that. I still work full time but I can't clean my house. I have trouble standing for very long. I hurt ALL THE TIME. I can't walk far. Climbing the stairs to get to our apartment winds me more than I can express. I never go out anymore. I only sing at home and even then its rare. When I go to Walmart I have to use one of those little scooter carts. If there aren't any available I wait. I KNOW people are laughing at me and mocking me, even if they aren't. I skip family functions when I know people I haven't seen in a long time are going to be there because I don't want them feeling sorry for me or worse yet, being disgusted by me. I don't know when all this happened. All this baggage is here and its real and its ugly and I have no idea where I got it from.

This blog is my way of holding myself accountable for loosing the weight and finding myself again. Even if no one ever reads it I've put it out here in the anonymous Internet and someone COULD. Putting this out here, admitting my weight publicly and laying my foibles bare for all to see is my first step to becoming who I once was and finally turning into the adult I wanted to be.