Teardrops on My Keyboard

I'm loosing someone very close to me. J is moving to another state. He got a promotion which is wonderful. It's a job he's been lusting over as long as I've known him. He has to move 3 states away to get it though. We'll keep in touch, I know. It won't be the same. I feel like my heart is breaking and I kinda want it to stop... a lot.

I have a headache from the tears... which are caused by the heartache... stoopid systemic sadness.

I feel like I've just been told someone I love is dying. WTF? I know that's not the case but... yeah. He reports to his new job in 2 weeks. Not much notice. Not much time.

Love you J. Gonna miss you more than you know. (Even if I DO wanna kick your ass occasionally. Heh.)

I Think I've Reached My Limit....

TOO. MUCH. STRESS.

Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.

In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.

Shit.

Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.

God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.

I. Give. Up.

I've truly reached the limit of my patience with this weight loss journey. I gained again this week. 1.2 lbs. I was SURE I had lost. Aunt Flo came for her visit. Water weight should no longer be an issue. So... WTF body?????!!!!!?!?!?!

I'm tired. I'm discouraged. I feel like I can't win, can't do anything right.

I'm 2 seconds from throwing my hands in the air and screaming "FUCKING UNCLE ALREADY!"

What do I do NOW?

Too Blessed To Be Stressed...

Ummm Not so much. 4:30am we were awakened by a call from my Nanny Deb. My grandmother lives with her. Grandma was having problems. Her blood pressure was 197/102 and her Oxygen level was only 85%. That's really high and really low for those that don't know. Nanny Deb wanted to take her to the ER. Grandma said she just wanted to be left alone to die. In the end, my cousin Jody convinced her to go to the ER by explaining that she wasn't DYING, per se, but that she'd likely have a stroke with her Blood Pressure being so high and wouldn't THAT just make the quality of her life SO much better? (GO JODY!!!)

She's been in the ER at the hospital since shortly after 7:00AM. We were told she'd been moved to the ICU... only... she's STILL in the fricking ER waiting on a bed to free up in ICU.

They've given her some nitre glycerin and her blood pressure is better. They're still admitting her though.

The kicker, my friends, is that today is the one year anniversary of my grandfather, her husband, passing away. Mom had planned to go to the cemetery and visit Grandpa. She didn't get to go. She felt like she needed to stay close to home in case they needed her for something.

As horrible as this is going to make me sound, I wonder how much of Grandma's health crisis today is due to it being the anniversary of his death. How much of it was her wanting to die because its the day he died and how much of it was her wanting the focus of today to be on her. (You would have to really know my grandmother to understand why I would even THINK this.) I feel like a really shitty person for wondering those things, but, I do wonder them.

Mom feels like she was robbed of the opportunity to reflect on her father's life and passing today. She feels like, this day, of all days, should have been about him. Yet, she's forced to put her focus elsewhere. I agree with her, but again, I have to wonder if it was horrible that it turned out the way it did. The focus of today became the living, not the dead. I'm not so sure that's such a horrible way to mark the passing of a man we all loved and miss.

Maybe, I'm just thinking too much....

The One In Which I Admit I Fail At Life

Today I listened to my father rant at me about how dirty the house was. The floors were dirty and needed mopped. Everything was dusty. I left my shoes in a corner of the living room rather than on the back porch. Everything was wrong.

I've been doing what I can in Mom's absence. Cooking, picking up the house, dishes, keeping up with the laundry. It doesn't sound like much but you have to remember. I'm a 408 lb lady. That's a LOT for me. I can't mop yet. I can't move furniture and vacuum behind it yet. I can't do a LOT of things yet. I feel like I suck enough without him reinforcing my sucktitude ThankYouVeryMuch.

Due to his tirade lasting all morning I didn't eat until 11:30 today. My blood sugars crashed like mad. I was mid crash when I was trying to fix lunch for Shecky, Dad and I. I forgot Mom is storing things in the oven. I melted some plastic containers and bags containing candied fruit for our fruit cakes... that we had to order online... cause none of the stores in this God forsaken BFE SELL the damned red and green candied pineapple. There was red candied pineapple and ... well.. GOO all over the inside of the oven. I cleaned it up but not until after I ate... which... yanno... pissed him off all over again. To be fair I didn't tell him I was having a sugar crash but THAT was only because I didn't want him freaking out about that too. Meh.

I've been waiting for him to blow up all week. My nerves have been driving me nuts all week. I KNEW I couldn't keep the house clean enough to keep him in check but I tried. Unfortunately, I snacked a lot this week as a result of the Nervous Nellie's that I had. I caught myself doing it off and on all week. I tried to compensate for it the best I could by eating fewer points than normal on those days... but... I still didn't loose anything this week.

So... yeah... I fail at life this week. Good thing a new one is starting, eh?

A Few Things and 25 Days To Make A Difference

I'd like to apologize to everyone for my posting being so sporadic and uninteresting lately. Things have been kind of... weird. We're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death and everyone is kind of struggling here. Add to that the fact that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital last Saturday... almost EXACTLY a year after my grandfather was admitted and you begin to see a bit of the chaos that's been my life lately.

Mom is in Clear Lake with Grandma. I am trying... and failing pretty miserably... to hold down the fort here. I've managed to keep up with the laundry, the dishes and keep the house generally picked up but ummm... its kinda taking everything I have to do it. It's certainly not clean to the standards my father expects.

My nerves... they are shot. My eating has been.... eh. I'm TRYING but I keep taking little nibbles of this and that without thinking. Once I realize what I've done I get pissed and strengthen my resolve.. then make the same mistake again later. Meh meh meh.

I've been making a difference the last few days to my family. Doing all the above has made it possible for my mother to be with HER mother while she's ill. I haven't really had the energy or creative capacity to do much more than that. Sorry Laura... I'm still with ya. One of my friends is participating but not blogging btw! (L... you need to POST woman!) She's doing all she can to make things better for others as well!

STREEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am, no so quietly, freaking the frick out! I mentioned yesterday that I quit my job. I also mentioned that our car is falling apart and Husband wants to buy a new car. (Not a NEW car mind you but a New to US car) This in and of itself isn't HORRIBLE. Its stressful, sure, but I can handle it.

My father believe buying the car is the WORST decision EVAR! He's been talking to me off and on all day about it trying to convince me to tell Ray not to buy it. While I see his point about the money, and the interest, and yanno... the MONEY... I also see Husband's point. He drives daily through Houston Rush Hour. If he breaks down he's more likely to get hit by another driver than not. He drives to Dallas/Ft. Worth every month for USAF Reserve Duty. He has to travel 3 hours to see Shecky and I. He needs something RELIABLE and that he's not going to have to keep sinking money into every month to repair... WHATEVER. (Since the beginning of the year we've sunk $3000.00 or more into it for various repairs.)

I've given him all the arguments against buying it and told him to do what he thinks is best. Yeah... I'm a LOT of help aren't I? Bleh. I'm seriously stressing over this. If he buys the car my father is going to drive me bonkers with his attitude and his "input" about a subject that he really has no say in. If he DOESN'T buy the car, gets it fixed (Another $600.00 in repairs) and the sucker breaks down AGAIN while he's traveling I'm going to feel like a complete bitch for talking him out of buying it. I'm so screwed.

What decision would YOU guys make in this situation? I'm just curious. I like to know I'm not alone...

PS Sorry for all the ranting the last few posts. I'll be more myself tomorrow!

PSPS He bought the car! ::Cringes:: I'm going to bed. :P