Revelations Chapter 1, Verse 1

I realized something this weekend.

I'm VERY bothered that it seems I'm so far behind in life compared to others my age.

Let me explain. We visited with some folks at the lake this weekend. We'll call them the Purples. The Purples are just a few years older than Husband and I. They are GRANDPARENTS. They are HOMEOWNERS. They are GROWN-UPS.

We, no.. I am not the first two and don't FEEL like the third. Shecky just turned 8. Most people my age have grand kids.... I feel sort of... out of the loop and left behind. How foolish is that?

Then, yesterday, I was conversing with my parents. Dad mentioned the fact that my brother was going to be a grandfather... my YOUNGER brother... and I was MORTIFIED. I was... JEALOUS. I was SAD. He had beaten me to that milestone by a long, LONG margin.

I wouldn't exchange my child for an older one. I don't want to wish away his youth. I'm THRILLED that he keeps me young and keeps me going. However, I can't help feeling like I've missed the bus somewhere and that I'm a failure at being an adult.

By the way, the age of my son isn't the only thing that makes me feel this way. It's just one that KEEPS popping up for me. :)

Trying to Step Out of the Black...

I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.

The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.

I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?

Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.

Until this morning....

I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.


I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.

I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.

I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.

Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.

Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.

Today... I'm going to push through The Black.

Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...

I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...

Summer Time, Summer Time, Sum-Sum-Summer Time

Today is Sheckys first day of Summer Vacation!

The last day of school a letter was sent home with all the kids. On the back, there was an essay by Robert Kelly-Goss of the N.Y. Times News Service. It made me weep... just a little. It made me realize... often, these days, kids are just miniature adults rather than carefree lil' kids.

It's Time Kids Did What Kids Do In Summer As We Used To ...

I want you to run wild and free through the streets of your neighborhood on a hot summer afternoon, tiring yourself so thoroughly that you can barely make it to the bed before you put pajamas on and brush your teeth.

I would like to see you stain the soles of your feet green and brown and cause your mother to shake her head as she scrubs so hard to get it off, but it won't until the first chill of autumn drives your shoes back on your feet.

I want you to show me what a fort looks like and just how you would build it.

I want you to rummage through scrap piles and find wonderfully odd pieces of wood and the like and build a fort, then I DARE you boys to keep the girls out; it won't work. I promise.

I want to see you, when you're tired, sitting int he shade of a giant tree, sipping lemonade poured from the stand you set up, leftover after you sold a few nickles' worth to a passerby.

I would like to see you and your friends on your bikes, towels slung over your shoulders, riding furiously to the local pool or the water hole.

I want to see you on your way back, pedaling a little slower, no worse for the wear, but rightly tired just the same.

I want to see you at bat imitating your favorite player, not at screen, seeing a virtual image of him as he plays a game you control with a joystick.

I want to see you find simple pleasures and joy from merely picking up a dandelion and blowing it into the sky. Watching those little feathery pieces float in the sunlight, your face lit up, ear to ear.

I want to see you give up the frustrations of a life inside, or on the cell phone, and head back out where the world is more than a text message or an e-mail to a friend.

It's where friends meet, or happen upon one another, and days are spent just doing whatever, imagining things and creating games so fanciful and imaginative that suddenly it's late, and your parents are worried, and you might be in for it now because you missed your curfew.

Dear child, I would like to see you jump in the puddles outside your house in the rain or even play a silly game of hide and seek.

I just want to see you, outside, playing, away from video games and computers and cellphones and televisions.

I want to see you having the kind of fun that can only happen because you're bored, and forced to create something out of nothing. That's what I would like for you, child, as summer nears.

He's been inside all day. He can't find anyone to play with outside. He hates playing alone. Meh. So far he's watched TV, played on the laptop, Played with the X-Box 360, watched MORE TV... sigh. I have no clue what to do with him. I want all those things FOR him... but I have no idea how to GIVE them to him when he abhors playing alone so much... and I can't do most of those things just yet.

Bitter Pills

There's something I need to get off my chest. I watch the media circus surrounding Brittney Spears and I have to take a step back. I mean... She's a PERSON. She has CHILDREN.

She OBVIOUSLY has some problems. I'm sure some of them are... errr.. pharmaceutical related but I honestly believe she has a larger, more urgent problem. The media and the people surrounding her, feeding the media frenzy, need to STEP OFF and let this woman get some help. In fact, the people in her LIFE, not her public life but her REAL life, need to STEP IN and make sure that happens. Yeah she's a public figure. Yeah, she's got tons of money. Yeah, many people can't stop reading/watching/talking about the train wreck that her life has become. I, however, can.

I've been reading and watching the news about her since her head shaving incident with awe and horror. No more. I wish I could reach out to her, take her by the hand and lead her away from all this nonsense and get her some help. I can't. I know that. Instead, I'll keep her and her children in my prayers and hope that someone who CAN help her... does.

The One In Which I Admit I Fail At Life

Today I listened to my father rant at me about how dirty the house was. The floors were dirty and needed mopped. Everything was dusty. I left my shoes in a corner of the living room rather than on the back porch. Everything was wrong.

I've been doing what I can in Mom's absence. Cooking, picking up the house, dishes, keeping up with the laundry. It doesn't sound like much but you have to remember. I'm a 408 lb lady. That's a LOT for me. I can't mop yet. I can't move furniture and vacuum behind it yet. I can't do a LOT of things yet. I feel like I suck enough without him reinforcing my sucktitude ThankYouVeryMuch.

Due to his tirade lasting all morning I didn't eat until 11:30 today. My blood sugars crashed like mad. I was mid crash when I was trying to fix lunch for Shecky, Dad and I. I forgot Mom is storing things in the oven. I melted some plastic containers and bags containing candied fruit for our fruit cakes... that we had to order online... cause none of the stores in this God forsaken BFE SELL the damned red and green candied pineapple. There was red candied pineapple and ... well.. GOO all over the inside of the oven. I cleaned it up but not until after I ate... which... yanno... pissed him off all over again. To be fair I didn't tell him I was having a sugar crash but THAT was only because I didn't want him freaking out about that too. Meh.

I've been waiting for him to blow up all week. My nerves have been driving me nuts all week. I KNEW I couldn't keep the house clean enough to keep him in check but I tried. Unfortunately, I snacked a lot this week as a result of the Nervous Nellie's that I had. I caught myself doing it off and on all week. I tried to compensate for it the best I could by eating fewer points than normal on those days... but... I still didn't loose anything this week.

So... yeah... I fail at life this week. Good thing a new one is starting, eh?

A Few Things and 25 Days To Make A Difference

I'd like to apologize to everyone for my posting being so sporadic and uninteresting lately. Things have been kind of... weird. We're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death and everyone is kind of struggling here. Add to that the fact that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital last Saturday... almost EXACTLY a year after my grandfather was admitted and you begin to see a bit of the chaos that's been my life lately.

Mom is in Clear Lake with Grandma. I am trying... and failing pretty miserably... to hold down the fort here. I've managed to keep up with the laundry, the dishes and keep the house generally picked up but ummm... its kinda taking everything I have to do it. It's certainly not clean to the standards my father expects.

My nerves... they are shot. My eating has been.... eh. I'm TRYING but I keep taking little nibbles of this and that without thinking. Once I realize what I've done I get pissed and strengthen my resolve.. then make the same mistake again later. Meh meh meh.

I've been making a difference the last few days to my family. Doing all the above has made it possible for my mother to be with HER mother while she's ill. I haven't really had the energy or creative capacity to do much more than that. Sorry Laura... I'm still with ya. One of my friends is participating but not blogging btw! (L... you need to POST woman!) She's doing all she can to make things better for others as well!

Mother Nature Is TRYING to Keel Me!

Holy Cotton Undies Batman! After the busiest 2 weeks EVER... (and I'm STILL not done baking for the soldiers... Candy tomorrow) Aunt Flo has decided to visit. I'm pissy. I'm hurting. I want to be held... but I dun want anyone around me... My head hurts, my feet stink and I dun luv Jebus anymore.

Such is the state of my mood.

However, I DID loose .7 lbs last week with Thanksgiving AND PMS... Take THAT! Heheh

Short and Sweet

I've been sick all day. Fighting Nausea. Feeling like HELL. Doing a bit better now but you'll get nothing of substance from me today! No, I'm NOT pregnant. Don't even think it! I've been attacked by some sort of stomach bug.

Had a huge assed sugar crash today. Blood Sugar was at 52. Ate a brownie. Counted the points. Still have 7 left for the day. Still scared to eat. Meh.

Happy Frickin' Friday.

I'm NOT Quite Sure How To Take This....

I had an interesting conversation with my father this evening. Let me preface this with a little pertinent information.

• Dad very rarely talks about things philosophically or psychologically.
• He's usually drunk when he does.
• He was drunk tonight.

Now, he started the conversation by telling me what a great job I'm doing with my son. That's he's bright and I encourage that trait and am doing all the right things with that aspect. He said that Shecky has a great personality and I'm helping him cultivate that in a terrific manner. He said my child is a mamma's boy and needs to man up...

Whu? He's 7 frickin' years OLD Dude.... WTF?

THEN he informs me that I need to stop using the "Do what I tell you cause I'm the parent that's why" philosophy of parenting.

Ummmm HUH? That's how he raised US! WTF??

Next... I hear him telling me that he made mistakes with my brother and I that I can do better than he did... and it hit me...

He was trying to tell me not to make the same mistakes with MY child that he made with us... and I was floored... and humbled... and shocked.. and more than a little taken aback... Cause.. My Dad... NEVER, EVER admits he is wrong... EVER. He once accused the DICTIONARY of being wrong cause it didn't agree with his spelling of a word... and then, I had a long think about what he was telling me.

I WAS getting into the habit of yelling at Sheck and doing the "ONE! TWO! YOU BETTER DO IT BEFORE I GET TO 3 OR I'LL GROUND YOU TILL YOU ARE 97! 2 AND A HALF!..." I used to take the time to explain why he couldn't do what he wanted or why it was a bad idea to feed the dog hot dogs... from his own mouth... and now... I don't. I've been so involved in my struggle to loose weight and get healthier that I've kind of let the way I wanted to raise my kid fall by the wayside.

Yeah... I help him study. Yeah... we have a night designated to just hang out together. However, the lessons I teach him by how I deal with him are just flat not the ones I wanted to teach him. I never WANTED to be THAT kind of parent... and now... it would seem... I am... or... was. Tonight, I started talking to him again instead of yelling at him. Hopefully, I can retrain the both of us and do a little better by him.

Thanks Dad.

The Cheese Stands Alone

I have a 7 year old boy that I'm trying to parent, basically, alone. Its not that husband doesn't WANT to help. No, its not that at all. He's just not HERE. Its making it difficult for me to keep my cool with my son.

You can tell from the little stories I have shared with you that Shecky is... well... he's a live wire. He hates restrictions and rules and just not getting his way in general. I KNOW... that's typical of ANY child. However, mine likes to whine and cry. I don't mean a little. He pitches the fit of a lifetime... every time. I don't know what to do about it. I'm to the point now where I'm just SCREAMING at him a lot. Yeah. That's not working either.

I'm trying to figure out how much of it is because his daddy isn't around much and how much of it is him just trying to get his way.

Last night I may have found a partial solution. I sent his little whiny, petulant, pissy ass to BED... at 8pm. Usually he stays up till 8:30... sometimes 9 if something special is going on (Like Daddy Being Here!) Yanno what? He got up this morning easily. NO whining, no crying, pitching of fits. Just a few giggles, some goofiness and a smile for his momma. THAT is the kid I remember. Ya' think mebbe he's just over tired at the end of the day and Mommy is too much of a ditz to figure that out? Jebus... Dumb... Assery! My biggest talent! Heh.

What's your solution when your child is acting likey they belong to someone else ... or making you kinda sorta wish they did?

How Low Can Ya' Go?

I want to apologize for my lack of posts lately. I seem to be loosing my resolve for a lot of things and I'm not sure why.

I seem to have hit a bit of a plateau with my weight loss. I'm more easily tempted to stray from the eating plan and yet at the same time I don't really want to eat... anything.

I'm still walking but its becoming a chore. Something I HAVE to do rather than something I WANT to do. My legs, they hurt. They're tired. So am I.

I have little or no patience with Shecky lately. I know he's tired after school but when I try to study with him or quiz him for a test its like he doesn't even try. He swears he's trying and he's focusing but I get more frustrated and angry each time he gives an incorrect answer.

I seem to be tired a lot. I'm sleeping well at night but during the day I just get so... listless. I don't want to do much of anything and when I DO make the effort to do something I'm just sort of... meh... about the whole thing.

WTF is WRONG with me lately? Is the single parenting getting to me? (Husband tries but he's not here for the day to day stuff that I get frustrated with.) Is it the lack of progress on the weight loss? Am I just going through a bit of depression again? If it IS depression do I just ride it out or do I talk to my DR about it? (By Dr I mean PCP not shrink. I dun have one of those... Mebbe I NEED one... bleh) Am I just tired of feeling alone all the time?

Husband and J are trying to make things as easy for me as possible. (J is someone very close to me and he and Husband share an apartment). They bought me a brand new laptop this past weekend and I was thrilled. Tickled pink. Unfortunately, the baseline BLEH I've been feeling is still there.

I've avoided posting in the hopes that this would just... pass. I didn't want to whine to the internets about how out of sorts I am but at this point... mebbe it will help. God knows not much else is!

I refuse to end this entry on such a downer. Here's a random story from when Shecky was a kid:

When Shecky was 2 or 3 he was OBSESSED... with Bob the Builder. I don't remember how he got introduced to that show, those characters, but he LOVED it. He was visiting my parents one summer while Dad was still finishing his build of this house. A friend of theirs was helping him. Shecky wandered out to where they were working and Dad introduced Sheck to his friend. Shecky, wide eyed and in awe, looked at this new person, holding a hammer, working on his Grandpa's house as my Dad said, "This is Mr. Bob." and then Shecky replied... "Bob... the... BUILDER!!!!" HE STILL calls him that... today... heh. Kids

{edited cause spellcheck doesn't catch it when I use the wrong word.. cough...}

One of THOSE Days

Have you ever had a day where you just wanted to PINCH your child's head off? Not LITERALLY mind you but... well... close! Shecky drove me NUTS today. He wasn't listening AT ALL. He's a great kid usually but today and tonight I had to repeat things 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 times! I know, I know... I have PMS. I KNOW I'm overreacting to him but my GOD he was stomping on my last nerve with steel cleats! And then... then my MIL sends me some pictures of Shecky and his new baby cousin Sleepy! I got all gooey and fuzzy inside when I saw them! I would post them here but I can't figure out how to do it in the BODY of the post rather then with the title. It doesn't make much sense to post them up there!!!


Tomorrow Husband will be here for a visit. He'll come in around 9am and stay till sometime Tuesday evening. Shecky is THRILLED. He misses his daddy something fierce but he also can't wait to get his PS2 and his Game Cube hooked up. (Mommy is an electronics idiot... I am not even going to ATTEMPT to hook that schiznit up. DVD player, 2 game platforms and a Satellite Receiver? Hells no! Switch box??? WTF? I am not blowing up ANYTHING!)


Tomorrow is also weigh in. I'm a little apprehensive about it this week. Mentally, I haven't been on top of my game. I've been feeling very bleh... a lil meh... and even a bit... FEH! I haven't been making sure I get in all my dairy, fruits and veggies or my water. Its been a very off week for me. Hopefully I haven't done any damage to my progress or my program. If I post a weight gain I've got no one to blame but myself.


I'm making a New Week Resolution right now. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be more proactive. I'm going to pay more attention to WHAT I'm eating and not just how MUCH I'm eating. I'm going to exercise with more intent and more enthusiasm while bitching and whining less. Let's see how I do!

UPDATE!!!!

Man, today has been BUSY. Husband called. The water pump on the car is D-E-A-D. Lovely ay? He's now looking for a new vehicle. We keep pouring money into this one every month. We have no car payment but what's the diff if we have to repair it every dang month. Might as well get one that has a monthly payment that's reliable. Bleh.

Of course... this comes on the heels of my GIVING MY TWO WEEKS NOTICE at work. Yeah...

The weight loss program is working well. Down another 1.3 this week. That's REALLY good considering its my TIME, ifyouknowwhatimeanwinkwinknudgenudgesaynomore! I've lost a total of 27.6 lbs in 6 weeks time. My short term disability at work runs out in 2 weeks. It was time to make a decision.

I really enjoy my job. The company I work for is fab. My boss and HIS boss are both supportive and amazingly helpful to me throughout my tenure there. My health has been suck for a long time but they stood by me and did everything they could to make it possible for me to keep my job.

Unfortunately, this is a long term project for me. I DO NOT WANT to have a Gastric Bypass. I just don't. I was considering it when I felt I had no other options. I considered it when I feared nothing else would work. What I'm doing IS working though. It will take a couple of years for it to make enough difference but its better than the invasive, dangerous, scary as hell surgery. I just can't do it AND work. There's not enough time in the day or energy in my body.

I have quit my job. In two weeks, my full time job will be simple. Loose weight. Get more mobile. Burn calories. GET HEALTHY. As a bonus for being a great employee, I get to be a SAHM and raise my child the way I've always wanted. Holy Hell... I'm scared. Hold me?

I'm Back!

Hey everyone! I know I've been a bad, BAD blogger. No posts for over a week. I've been having a very... meh... time of it. The new meds are working well but mentally I've been in a swamp. I've had no energy. Always tired but not sleepy. Nothing really piques my interest or sounds like fun. I'm either, depressed or anemic. I'm taking my Zoloft (insert happy blue pill here heh) so I don't see how it could be depression but it kinda SEEMS like one. NOTHING interests me. I HATE it when I get like this. R and J do too. Shecky just wonders why I'm so cranky and then hugs me very enthusiastically. (That HELPS... a LOT but I can't staple the kid to me 24-7... Can I???) It only helps for a short while though. Bleh.

Anyway, I'm trying to get my head out of my ass and back into everything. I've been reading the blogs that I regularly haunt but not saying much. I was checking out Oh, The Joys today and saw that Jessica had tagged me for a Me Me. 7- 10 Things You Don't Know About Me. I'll work on that tomorrow and post it for y'all.

As far as the weight loss front, that's kind of what started the mental spiral. Its not going really well. I was completely off plan for a couple of weeks. Monday I started trying to count points again but I've been unsuccessful on that front. I'm not eating a lot but I'm not eating WELL either. Back to the old bad habits. So... I'm kicking myself in the ass, yet again. Starting tomorrow morning I COUNT MY FRICKIN' POINTS. I'm going to eat regular meals and pay attention to WHAT I'm eating and stay within my 34 points. Period. End. No Excuses. No dodging it.

I'm also researching Gastric Bypass. My doctor suggested it to me last visit and I've been thinking about it a lot. My health insurance won't pay for it but R's will. I'll be on his insurance June 1. Anyone out there that's had one or knows someone that's had one and is willing to talk to me about it gimme a hollah. (ESPECIALLY if you live in Houston, TX. I know NOTHING about the Bariatric Surgeons here... sigh)

Ok. I'm out for now. You all have a great rest of the day and I'll be back tomorrow with a food diary, some jokes and a Me Me. :)