Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

Rest In Peace

Ella Mae Menard, my last grandparent, passed away this morning at 6:25 AM. I don't know what the official papers will say her cause of death was. I know that she died of a broken heart.

My grandmother has had medical problems for years but she didn't begin the long, slow slide to the end until my grandfather passed away on December 18, 2006. Almost one year to the day of his admission to the hospital Grandma was first admitted to Christus St. John's Hospital. She was admitted again the end of December 2007 and spent her last birthday in her hospital room.

Today she lost her fight. She went peacefully. Her passing was restful and quiet, filled with the dignity and peace she always tried to conduct herself with in life.

She was a strong woman in all the ways that counted... and in some that were annoying to those that loved her most. (She and I butted heads many times over the years. My hard headedness came, in a large part, from her. I was the grandchild that... errr... challenged her the most. Heh)

She was a good wife and mother. She was a great grandparent. She was a better person.

She wasn't perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but she tried so hard to do the right things for those she loved.

We'll all miss you Grandma. Rest easy now. Give Grandpa a hug for me when you see him again.

Ella Mae Menard

December 25, 1922 - March 14, 2008

Crap On A Stick...

Yeah... that pretty much describes how I feel.

Today I have been living in bizarro world. My blood sugars have been crashing like blind pilot flying through a gaggle of geese! I have crashed 3 times today... once as low as 49... 49???!?!?!?!!!! Jesus. I'm eating. I'm taking my meds. The only thing I can think of is the addition of exercising in the pool is causing my metabolism to work faster or better or... at all. I just know I'm exhausted PHYSICALLY between the low blood sugars and the exercise... but I'M NOT SLEEPY!

I hurt to frickin' much to be sleepy. My arms and legs are performing a slow, evil torture on me. I. No. LIKEE!!!! Bleh.

Sorry for all the whining. I'm just not having the best of days physically... *reads post again* or mentally I guess. Heh.

ZOMG Heath Leger is DEAD??? Dudes, he's 10 years younger than me and he's DEAD??? That's. Not. RIGHT!

Running on Empty

I know I've been really unfaithful to posting here. I apologize to anyone that's been checking in for updates. I've been having a lot of issues with my health the last week or so and, frankly, its scaring the ever loving bejesus out of me. Pain... LOTS of pain. Pain bad enough that it wakes me from a deep sleep and keeps me awake. Stomach issues. I feel full even when I don't eat much/anything. Even with taking the Reglan. I'm miserable and sad and nervous and uncomfortable and I HURT. I spent the weekend crying from it. I spent Monday night awake because of it. I spent Tuesday at home with no pay due to all of it. I'm off again today. I have a doctors appointment at 9:30am. I've mentioned all of this to them before and the seem to just wave it off. I'm not letting them this time. I know my size poses problems diagnostically but I'm no less worth finding the problem and fixing it than someone that's smaller than I am. Even if they have to work a little harder to do it.