Today I listened to my father rant at me about how dirty the house was. The floors were dirty and needed mopped. Everything was dusty. I left my shoes in a corner of the living room rather than on the back porch. Everything was wrong.
I've been doing what I can in Mom's absence. Cooking, picking up the house, dishes, keeping up with the laundry. It doesn't sound like much but you have to remember. I'm a 408 lb lady. That's a LOT for me. I can't mop yet. I can't move furniture and vacuum behind it yet. I can't do a LOT of things yet. I feel like I suck enough without him reinforcing my sucktitude ThankYouVeryMuch.
Due to his tirade lasting all morning I didn't eat until 11:30 today. My blood sugars crashed like mad. I was mid crash when I was trying to fix lunch for Shecky, Dad and I. I forgot Mom is storing things in the oven. I melted some plastic containers and bags containing candied fruit for our fruit cakes... that we had to order online... cause none of the stores in this God forsaken BFE SELL the damned red and green candied pineapple. There was red candied pineapple and ... well.. GOO all over the inside of the oven. I cleaned it up but not until after I ate... which... yanno... pissed him off all over again. To be fair I didn't tell him I was having a sugar crash but THAT was only because I didn't want him freaking out about that too. Meh.
I've been waiting for him to blow up all week. My nerves have been driving me nuts all week. I KNEW I couldn't keep the house clean enough to keep him in check but I tried. Unfortunately, I snacked a lot this week as a result of the Nervous Nellie's that I had. I caught myself doing it off and on all week. I tried to compensate for it the best I could by eating fewer points than normal on those days... but... I still didn't loose anything this week.
So... yeah... I fail at life this week. Good thing a new one is starting, eh?
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5 comments:
someone recently said that they were glad that life grades on a curve. otherwise more of us would cut this class. it's going to be okay. sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, hon :) Having a super clean house, while nice, can't always be a top priority.
Oh, sweetie, if that's failure, we're all losers.
Chin up.
Sorry to hear all this...sorry I haven't checked in lately...I've been off the grid with my own life failures. You are doing great. Prayers to you. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to internalize anything your dad puts on you.
My father once came by my place to drive me back to my parents' house, took a look around and asked, "Vacuum cleaner broken?"
"No," I replied. "Why, do you need to sweep out your truck?"
Silence.
"Dad, you can criticize my housekeeping when I see you do some."
I'm a first-time reader, so I don't know whether your father is incapable of movement. If he's not, then there's no reason he can't clean his own house. You're doing him a favor. Remember that. When he shouts at you, it's ingratitude on his part. Nothing for you to accuse yourself about.
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