Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Yeah. You read that right. No additional weight loss for the 2 nd half of the week.
Initially, I was kinda pissed off. I mean... DAMN. WTF was I starving myself for, right? Then... I flipped my perspective.
I LOST 10 LBS IN A WEEK!
I proved to myself I can monitor my food intake without relying on "points".
I proved to myself I can monitor my food intake without eating junk to satisfy my cravings.
I busted that ever loving plateau I've been on for MONTHS.
I realized that 800 calories a day really ISN'T enough. By the end of the week I was much less active due to fatigue, hence, no additional weight loss.
I realized I really do HAVE to exercise in the pool to loose weight.
I LOST 10 LBS IN A WEEK!
Heheh. Sorry. Kinda stoked about that one. *ahem*
Today I go up to 1000 calories a day. I actually ate, gasp, BREAKFAST. I had 2 slices of bacon and one Light Thick & Creamy Yoplait Yogurt for a total of 190 calories. There's those extra 200 calories. :)
I have a doctor's appointment with my physician Friday. I'm sure she's going to yell at me but then she'll adjust what I'm doing and I'll go forward from there.
I'm excited about this weekend, yet, dreading it a bit. It's going to be difficult to get by on 1000 calories while in Fort Worth, eating in restaurants. Meh. I'll figure it out I'm sure.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I've done 800 calories a day for 3 days now.... and... I've lost 10 MotherFrickin'Pounds!!!!! ::Does Happy Dance:: It's so, SO worth it. Next week I pop up to 1000 calories. I'm tempted to stay at 800 but everyone around me is freaking out so... yeah... I'll be smart.
In other news, Shecky's baseball team won a game last night!! W00T!!! It's the very first time they've won this season. It was so freakin CUTE watching them flip out in the dug out when they realized they were gonna win! (I know, I KNOW. It was unsportsman like but WOW... these boys EARNED it. ) They've come so very far from the beginning of the season. I'm proud of all of them!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I ate a total of 800 calories yesterday. I'm going to continue on 800 calories a day for a week and see if I can't shock my metabolism into working.
1 Container of Light Yoplait Yogurt (100 Calories)
8 Cubes pre-cut Colby Jack Cheese (110 Calories)
1 Cup Fruit Salad (120 Calories)
1 Pkg. Light Peanut Butter Cracker(160 Calories)
4 Oz Chicken Breast (172 Calories)
5 Oz Boiled Russet Potato (110 Calories)
1/2 Cup Cooked Baby Carrots (27 Calories)
Total Daily Calories: 799
Total Daily Points: 18
I was hungry when I went to bed but not STARVING. My activity level yesterday was LOW because I was having a lot of colon pain. It was the 3rd day in a row. Thank GOD it stopped late last night and today I'm doing better.
I exercised in the pool this morning for an hour from 8am to 9am. I'm about to eat something and then go clean the upstairs. Hopefully this is going to kick start my body into a loosing cycle again. Keep your fingers, toes and anything else you can cross... crossed!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I'm tired. I'm discouraged. I feel like I can't win, can't do anything right.
I'm 2 seconds from throwing my hands in the air and screaming "FUCKING UNCLE ALREADY!"
What do I do NOW?
Monday, April 21, 2008
OMG. I had SO much fricking fun Saturday night.
I actually went to a bar and sang Karaoke for the first time in YEARS. I managed to sing 2 songs before my partner in crime, J, got to tired for words. The first song was Nothing Compares 2 U by Skinhe...err.. Sinead O'Conner. I did a decent job on it. My legs shook the WHOLE way through the song though. I got a lil audience reaction but not much.
I actually got the crowd to pay attention on the 2nd song. I sang Crystal Gayle's Cry. It started out shaky. The first verse was just... bad. I was recovering from the oddest conversation I've ever had and I just wasn't in it mentally. Then I hit the first chorus and just let it RIP! I nailed that sucker to the WALL. They whooped and hollered and stood and clapped. I was STOKED.
The odd conversation in the bathroom? Well...I got the strangest compliment EVAR. There was this lady in a pink tank top hanging on all the men in the bar. No WAY could you not notice her. She stopped me in the ladies room to tell me "You have REALLY nice boobs." I had no CLUE what to do with that so I muttered a soft and hurried "Thankyou" and got the hell outta there. Heh.
I'll definitely be going back and singing again. I forgot how much I love it. How much it makes me feel ... right.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I'm not having enough fun.
I'm spending my days exercising, worrying over diet, taking care of Shecky and his needs, trying to appease my parents, and stressing over all of it. Sure I play a few games on the laptop. Sure I read and watch some TV. None of that however is stuff that charges me up. It's all just kind of place holders to give me a little downtime during the day/evening. Not a single thing on that list up there is something that turns my wheels.
I. Aer. An. ID10T. I'm not having any fricking FUN. I'm not getting any positive, re-charging activity.
So... Saturday J. is coming to visit. We're going to a Karaoke bar and I'm going to sing... In Front Of Other People. HOLYSHIT! I'm already having panic attacks about it, however, I'm excited as hell at the same time. WOOTHOLYSHIT!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I DIDN'T LOOSE AGAIN THIS WEEK.
That's 3 weeks in a row with no forward movement. Heck, I was at 393 January 27th and I'm back up to 398. WTF???
I'm angry and frustrated and annoyed.
My kid misses his father. A lot. I miss having my own space and not having to answer to my parents. I miss my fricking LIFE.
I'm starting to feel like its just not worth it. It's starting to feel like all the sacrifice and work just isn't paying off. I hate this shit.
I'm in a really, REALLY horrible mood. I've been in a funk for a couple of weeks as you can tell from my posts and the spotty number of them that exist. Now? NOW I'm pissed off.
I know I need to turn it around mentally but I'm having a really difficult time doing it. I can't tell if I'm depressed or just frustrated or if, God Help Me, it's a combination of both kicking my ass. All I know is it needs to GO AWAY!
I'm feeling really cut off from people, yet, I don't really want anyone around me because I'm on a hair trigger with my temper....
And now I'm whining. Imma shaddup for now. I hope you all have a great day.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Ahhh yes. Senior Prom. What a wonderful, fun and friend filled... terrifying night.
I did not attend my Junior Prom. I was a bit of a choir/theater geek, and, even then I had a weight problem. I wasn't popular but I got along with everyone. I was that boring kid in your class who was really nice, really naive and really artsy.
I wanted, DESPERATELY, to go to my Senior Prom. No one asked me. I wasn't devastated but damned if I was going to miss out on that particular High School event completely. I asked my best friend and first love to be my date. He said yes.
Now, you have to realize, he had no CLUE he was my first love. We were best friends and I was too shy to let him know my heart was so completely filled with him. My parents, God help me, were CONVINCED he was gay. Being an artsy fartsy girl my gaydar was much better than theirs and I knew he wasn't. Heh.
Anyway, Mom took me shopping for my dress. It was this burgundy and cream lace Scarlett O'Hara type dress. I. HAD. TO. HAVE. THIS. DRESS. Unfortunately, it was destroyed in a fire at a theater I had loaned it to as a costume for a particular show.
Mom and Dad, ever game to try and make my High School experience all I wished it to be, agreed to host an after party. I could invite 6 couples. Mom would make us a midnight breakfast buffet, Dad would supply the booze and play bartender and we could stay up all night watching movies or playing spin the bottle. (We did both.) My parents contacted the parents of all the other kids telling them they were going to allow us to drink and that everyone would have to hand their car keys over when they arrived at the house. No one would be permitted to leave until the next day when Dad determined they were sober and able to drive. All the parents agreed to this plan and thought it was great that it would be a supervised gathering, yet, filled with all the usual antics of a Prom After Party.
Prom Night arrived. All those that were coming to the after party at my house met up at one of the nicer restaurants in town. We had dinner together and it was a terrific start to the most magical night of our lives. Unfortunately, that didn't last long.
Apparently First Love developed feelings for one of my best friends during the time between asking him to be my date and the actual event. She was HIS First Love. He spent most of the night dancing with her. I was just... devastated. I spent more time in the bathroom crying than I did anywhere else that night. (As an aside, while in the bathroom crying another girl came in wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS as me. Down to the color combinations. God, made me cry even harder!) He did save the last dance of the night for me. We danced to the "Prom Song" and headed to my house. Mom had a HUGE breakfast ready for us when we walked in. She was making SURE we had something in us to soak up the booze. Dad had a fully stocked bar and a stack of video's we had requested. My First Love? Well, he proceeded to spend all evening giving his attentions to my friend. I wish I could say that because she knew how I felt about him she refrained from returning the attention, but, no. That wasn't the case.
It was a hugely emotionally scarring night. My heart got broken. My feelings were hurt. I hated one of my best friends by the night's end. I wouldn't have missed it for all the world...
This post was written as part of Catherine’s writing prompt --
"Prom (or not Prom) memories: What did you do (or not do) Prom night?"
Feel free to join in and publish a post on this theme. All you are asked to do is copy the list of participants and add it to the bottom of your post -- and don't forget to add yourself!
For more posts on the Prom theme, click these...
Her Bad Mother
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I watched Idol Gives Back tonight... (SHUT! UP! Jason Castro makes me wanna weep... among other things *Cough*) and I realized I have no call, no RIGHT to complain about my life.
I have people who love me. I have people who want to and do help me. I have resources. I have a roof over my head. I have clean drinking water. I don't need mosquito netting to prevent malaria. I don't have HIV OR AIDS. I'm not an orphan. I have a great, goofy, loving child.
The rest of it truly doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things. So, SO sorry I was such a schmuck.
I have challenges. I have issues. I have problems... but I'll muddle through them. I always do. I always will.
Raising a child mostly alone sucks... but there is so much worse going on out there in the big bad world... ::Shudder::
Call your parents. Hug and kiss your kids. Realize how lucky you are. My new mantras.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I've been single parenting for a long time. I'm married, yes. However it would seem I'm the only one taking a hand in directing our child's growth and ... stuff. I'm so very tired.
I'm tired of being the one to fuss about Shecky picking up after himself. I'm tired of being the one helping with homework and cracking the whip so that he studies. I'm tired of being the one who deals with the defiance and lying. I'm tired of being the one that takes an interest in his day, correcting his behavioral problems, cheering on his accomplishments, spending the special time with him and being the hand of discipline and justice...
Wow. Re-reading what I wrote I realize how horrible that makes me sound, and how inaccurate it is. I AM tired of those things, but, there is a very important word missing from those sentences. Alone. I'm tired of being the only one responsible for these things and its beginning to overwhelm me and side track what I'm trying to do here at the lake.
I'm so busy with Shecky and making sure he's getting all I can give him and all he needs that I've completely lost my focus on why I'm here.
I came here to save my life. I came here to loose weight and get to where I can, physically, take care of my family, my home and myself without feeling like my heart was going to explode. I've lost 70 lbs. since July of 2007. That's a lot, I know, but I can't help but feel that it should be more. I should be less. Whatever.
I feel like I'm letting myself down. Hell, to be perfectly frank I'm letting everyone down. I can't be all things to Shecky. Even though I'm a big girl... that's not THAT much of me to go around.
I'm not eating the way I should. I've been cheating here and there... often without even really thinking about it or realizing it. I've been slacking a bit on the exercise. I've only been averaging 3 times a week lately. It's obviously not enough. My results would be far different if it was.
I'm letting down my parents who are letting me live here at no cost and who have spent over $10, 000.00 on things to make my weight loss easier and more comfortable.
The very worst part of all of this? I'm scared. I'm not sure I have it in me to make this work. I don't have a lot left in me. I'm stressed. I'm worn out. I've got no give left and I don't know how to fix it... which makes me even more exhausted...
I swear to God I'm trying guys. I'm just kinda... lost right now.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
God. I feel like Hell tonight. I'm sorry for the late post. I've had 3... count them... 3 blood sugar crashes today. I have not taken ANY of my Diabetes meds today as a result. I should NOT be crashing. I have no clue WTF is going on with my body. My parents suggested that my pancreas is suddenly working again... ummm... can that HAPPEN?
I managed to work out in the pool today. Yeah... that caused the 2nd crash. I made it to Shecky's Baseball game. We lost 10-0. They stopped the game once the other team was beating us by 10 points.
Bleh. Sorry for the lackluster post. Imma go fall down.