Straight Talk About My Numbers

Many people say your weight is just a number, as is your age. Yeah, I don't buy that in either case.

My age indicates my life experience. It indicates how much I've lived and how much I've potentially done. It's not a bad thing. It's not something to be dreaded. It just... is.

My weight, on the other hand, is a cruel, cruel mistress that I dread seeing and dealing with. It indicates how much I've failed. It shows how far off the mark I've been. It cries when it sees me coming, I SWEAR to you it does!

I have managed to gain 20 lbs in the last 2 months. First, it was the pain keeping me from moving much at all. The depression and fear that bring on the nervous munchies took over as the surgery date grew closer. After the surgery I felt WONDERFUL and I celebrated by eating whatever was handy.

Yeah, I've not done such a great job lately with that number. It's something I'm SUPPOSED to control... yet... more often than not, it controls me.

So... it's time again. I need to get off my ass and rededicate myself to my weight loss efforts. I have 2 weeks left here in Houston. Then I go back to the lake. I'm going to be more careful with what I eat and how active I am here for these next too weeks. I'll consider it a victory if I don't gain any more than I already have. Then... Katy Bar The Friggin Door.... It's ON my friends.

Finally...

HOME!

I got a clean bill of health. I apparently have a VERY healthy heart. Better than it has a right to be with my weight! WOOT! My lungs are STRONG! ::flexes lungs for a better view::

Apparently, my little breathing issues were brought on by stress and anxiety and it just presented in an odd way. I've had panic attacks and anxiety attacks before and NONE of them acted like this. I mean... not really. Yes, the tightness in the chest and feeling like I can't breathe were similar but my mind wasn't racing... wasn't flying all over the place trying to control the "event" and causing the panic to worsen...

However, I HAVE had a lot of stress over the last year. The last two weeks have upped the ante stress-wise. My surgery, my nephew's surgery, Unca B's surgery, struggling with whether or not I should return to the lake for the school year and continue my weight loss efforts there. Should I keep Adrian in that environment and community another year and let him become more invested in it before, ultimately, ripping him out of it and bringing him back to Houston where he'll have to start over in the 4th grade. I will have to learn to manage my eating here. I will have to learn to make it work in THIS environment... but is now the time? Just lots of... stuff... going on in my head. I supposed it IS entirely possible it was panic and stress.

Regardless, I AM HOME! I do have to say, if any of you are in the Houston area and have to go to the hospital... Houston North West Hospital just offa FM 1960 is great. It's clean and modern. The staff if knowledgeable and personable. Very friendly and caring. They encourage questions and give detailed answers. They WILL take the time to make you comfortable in all ways. My family and I were very impressed. :)

Humble Pie

I was admitted to the hospital today. I've been having pressure on the left side of my chest and feeling like I'm unable to get my breath for 2 days. Husband took me to the ER this morning after that sensation woke me out of a deep sleep and then my left arm started feeling tired and weak. We feared blood clots had made their way to my lungs but a chest CT showed no clotting. Thank God. Now I'm being worked up for cardiac issues but everything thus far has come back negative for problems. Tomorrow I have the 2nd part of my cardiac stress test and we should know more then.

My friends and family have really lifted me up throughout all of this and I am so, SO grateful to have you all in my life.

I want to thank each and every one of you for the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you've been sending my way during this whole Pain/Surgical drama. The support of my friends and family has been wonderful and has made a HUGE difference in my outlook and mindset.

You have managed to keep a smile on my face and laughter in my heart when I've been hurting more than I can describe and scared out of my mind. You bring me Peace. You are the greatest gift I've ever been given. Thank you so much.

Updates

Today I go for my pre-op stuff. Chest X-ray... EKG... blood work...

Tomorrow night my folks will arrive.

Weds I have to report to the hospital at 6am.

Surgery will take place at 7:30am.

Mom will be staying a week to help out.

Husband will be off the following week.

Shecky is safely away in Abilene, TX with his Paternal Grandparents for a month.

Last night was a BAD night for pain. I was curled up in a ball crying for much of it. Thank GOD this is coming to a close soon... I hope.

I'm liable to be absent from the blog for several days, maybe a week or more. I'd like to have some guest bloggers come in and post. If anyone is interested, please lemme know.

I Have A Date!

My surgery to remove the endometrioma will be 7:30am on July 16th. I'm stoked. If this takes care of all the pain I've been having ... OMG.

Can you say new lease on life?

Surgical Precision

Yesterday I had my consult with the surgeon. He said I have an endometrioma. He's basically going to do another C-section and remove it.

OY! I hope it doesn't take a year to heal this time. That... would... suck.

I'm also considering having lap-band surgery on my stomach. Has anyone out there had it done? If so please email me with your experience? tessalemmons@gmail.com.

I also wanna give a shout out to my friends on Plurk for being there for me when I was wigging out about the consult AND for remembering when the consult was and posting a Plurk in support. You guys were a great source of comfort. You ROCK! :)

Cyst-o-maticly Falling Apart

I really hate it when someone says, "I have good news, and, I have bad news. Which do you want first?" However... I have goo... nahhh I'll just give it to ya straight.

I heard from my Dr. yesterday. I do have some evidence of endometriosis but not enough to cause the amount of pelvic pain I'm having. The culprit seems to be clusters of cysts on both ovaries. Yeah... CLUSTERS. WTF?

The ultrasound tech mentioned that I had A large cyst on my RIGHT ovary... then she clammed up. I mentioned that before but it is relevant so I'm re-iterating. Turns out it was NOT one big cyst. It's a CLUSTER of smaller cysts.... And I have them on BOTH ovaries. Love-er-ly.

Surgery is a possibility but they want to put me on birth control pills to see if that will handle the problem. I'm stoked that they want to try something other than surgery but... GUH. Birth control pills and I ... we're not really friendly. In fact, they tend to make me batshit crazy. BAT. SHIT.

Husband almost DIVORCED me cause they made me so nuts.

Funny story, when I was Senora Psychopath he was in the Air Force full time. He had worked 16 hours straight and was EXHAUSTED. He didn't even get his foot ALL THE WAY IN THE FRONT DOOR before I went OFF! I have no clue what about. Probably the color of the trim on the couch or something similarly important. Anyway, the poor man turned around WITHOUT A WORD, and went... back... to... the ... base. After a 16 hour day. I ... suck. He called a few hours later asking if it was safe for him to come home and I cried the ugly, snot filled cry apologizing and groveling.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how I react to the Yaz pill. If any of you have any experience with this one lemme know.

I have also scheduled the consult with the surgeon for the removal of that knot of scar tissue with the endometrial tissue on the top of it. It'll be June 26th. Seems like I may be in Houston for a while. :)

Doctor, Doctor... Gimme the News...

So, I'm back from the Dr. now. I got good news and bad news. The good news is that its not cancer or cancer related. WOOT!

The BAD news... is that its endometriosis. Anonymous commenter... you got it in one! The real kicker is some of the endometrial tissue is actually OUTSIDE my body. The knot on my c-section scar is indeed scar tissue. However, it is covered with endometrial tissue which is causing the knot to bleed. The endometrial tissue also has an infection. Lucky me. I'm now on a 10 day course of Bactrum. I have to have an ultrasound Thursday to have a look see at the internal endometriosis and then I have to go see a surgeon. Correcting this problem will take at least one surgery (removal of the knot and the endo tissue on and around it) and possibly a second one depending on what the ultrasound shows.

Surgery scares the crap outta me. It took me almost a year to fully heal my c-section. However, I like my odds a lot better with this than if it had been cancer.

BTW, friends, my Dr? Dr. Heid Nashed-Gurigris... is a goddess. I now have vicodin for the pelvic pain. Maybe I can function now when it acts up.

Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers. Knowing you guys were pulling for me and praying for me made a difference in my sanity. ::Gives big cyberhugs to everyone::

Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

I Think I've Reached My Limit....

TOO. MUCH. STRESS.

Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.

In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.

Shit.

Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.

God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.

They Call Me... Dr. Looooooove

Hello my friends! I had a pretty good weekend despite sleeping on a love seat for 2 nights, not eating much and ummm... forgetting to pack my underwear. (Yes. I AM an idiot. Why do you ask?)

Husband retired. I spent some time with the in laws which was... nice. A little nerve wracking because we had too damn many people in a teeny tiny house. (6 adults, 1 very active child and 2 dogs... one of which could qualify as a small horse.)

I visited with my doctor Friday. She was still very pleased with my progress. 80 lbs in 9 months. She was a little concerned about my recent caloric intake. She has put me on 2500 calories a day... I was like... Yer KIDDING me, right? She was all... no... not really.

We also discussed surgical options again. Sigh. We had a long talk about it and I basically told her the idea of it just freaks me right. the. frick. out! It gives me the heebie jeebies and premonitions of DOOOOOOOOOOM. (Cause I'm a pansy like that.) Also that my heal rate is really slow and infection rate is really high and that it took me 5 MONTHS to heal from my C-section when I had Shecky and that was just one lil ole incision and not massive internal re-arranging... and... just. NO.

She laughed and said... "Ok then. No on the surgery." Thank GOD I amuse her so much. LOL. Otherwise, she'd just think I was a crackpot... though... she DID double my Zoloft. (PMDD... GOD it's a bitch!)

So, today I started 2500 calories. I managed to scarf down 652 calories for breakfast. HOLY HELL! That's almost as much as I ate in a frickin' day! I had:

1 Biscuit
1 Sausage Patty
1 slice of 2% American Cheese
1 C. of 2% Milk
1 Medium Sized Orange

That my friends... equals 652 calories. It's really not all THAT much food. It's the whole what you eat vs. how much you eat. Whew. I have no CLUE what I'm going to have for lunch. Mebbe a can of soup and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich. It's raining and damp and kinda chilly today. That sounds kinda good to me. I'm not at all sure how many calories it is though.

Whew. I'm talky today. If you're interested come back tonight and I'll have another post for you about Shecky and how he's driving me insane. Heh.

Happy Sink-o Da My-o. (I can't speel in Spaneesh.)

Hear The Symbols ...

Crash...

God. I feel like Hell tonight. I'm sorry for the late post. I've had 3... count them... 3 blood sugar crashes today. I have not taken ANY of my Diabetes meds today as a result. I should NOT be crashing. I have no clue WTF is going on with my body. My parents suggested that my pancreas is suddenly working again... ummm... can that HAPPEN?

I managed to work out in the pool today. Yeah... that caused the 2nd crash. I made it to Shecky's Baseball game. We lost 10-0. They stopped the game once the other team was beating us by 10 points.

Bleh. Sorry for the lackluster post. Imma go fall down.

Worry...

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital again today. She's now on her way to ICU. They say she has a blood clot in her lung. I find that odd... considering she is on a regimen of cumadin. Her heart rate and blood pressure are way too high. Her oxygen levels too low. I beg of you, say a prayer for her. She's the only grandparent I have left. I'd like her to be around a while longer, but, if its her time I want her to ease away not struggle and hurt and strain.

Cough, Cough, Wheeze, Wheeze....

Yeah... I have a cold. In My Chest. Dad still expects me to exercise in the pool... WTF? Lemme say that again... IN. THE. POOL. SICK!

God... I know he means well but with my propensity for a cold to turn into pneumonia... that's really not smart.

Asshat!

Oh.. and American Idol... WTF? You eliminated the right guys but SO NOT the right girls. Overmeyer and Kady shoulda left...

Asshats!

Doctor, Doctor...

Gimme the news! I gotta Bad Case of Sugar Blues!

I called the Doc today. She took me off the Glimperide completely. We'll see how it goes. If I continue crashing daily I'm to call back.

Hopefully I'll have more interesting things to talk about now!

Yesterday was weigh in day... it was not pretty. I exercised every day and lost... are you ready? Can you HANDLE it? I lost .2 lbs. POINT 2. Jebus take the wheel... cause yer KILLIN me with this schiznit!

I'm wondering if all the crashing blood sugars have anything to do with it or if my body is just being difficult. Heh. It's prolly a combination of the two!

How are you guys doing out there? Hey... is this thing on?? ::taps on microphone::

So... a Knight, a Dragon and a Dwarf walk into a bar... you'da thought the Dwarf woulda missed it... ::Ba dum bum:: ***

*** I blame it on the constant low blood sugars... *cough*

Guess What....

Yeah... I crashed again. This is the 6th day I've crashed with the blood sugars. Today I got down to 51... So. Not. Good.

I'm calling the Dr. tomorrow. I can't wait until Thursday. I feel like Hell... only... yanno... humanish.

Crashed...

again. Not badly but still... so... very... worn... out. Meh. A week eh? Gawd...

Out Of Gas

Not ONLY is this the title of a most FANTASTIC episode of Firefly (You MUST by the DVD's if you haven't seen this show yet. Unfortunately, it was on Fox and only got 11 or 13 episodes but ... damn... good... good... stuff) but it describes how I'm feeling.

This is day 3 of crashing blood sugar levels and exercise in the pool. I've upped my daily points to 35 a day to compensate for the exercise but the sugars, they're still slammin' into the basement every chance they get.

I called the Dr. today and they had me cut my glymparide down by half. I'll only take it once a day now. Hopefully that will fix the problem. I'm supposed to give it a week and if it doesn't fix the prob... I drop the med altogether. Everyone at once now, WOOT! I almost hope I keep crashing for the rest of the week.

Here's to hoping you all had a better day than I have... and that tomorrow is better for us all.

Crap On A Stick...

Yeah... that pretty much describes how I feel.

Today I have been living in bizarro world. My blood sugars have been crashing like blind pilot flying through a gaggle of geese! I have crashed 3 times today... once as low as 49... 49???!?!?!?!!!! Jesus. I'm eating. I'm taking my meds. The only thing I can think of is the addition of exercising in the pool is causing my metabolism to work faster or better or... at all. I just know I'm exhausted PHYSICALLY between the low blood sugars and the exercise... but I'M NOT SLEEPY!

I hurt to frickin' much to be sleepy. My arms and legs are performing a slow, evil torture on me. I. No. LIKEE!!!! Bleh.

Sorry for all the whining. I'm just not having the best of days physically... *reads post again* or mentally I guess. Heh.

ZOMG Heath Leger is DEAD??? Dudes, he's 10 years younger than me and he's DEAD??? That's. Not. RIGHT!

Weigh In Day Update

So, it would seem not getting all my points in is a VERY BAD THING. I gained 6 lbs this week. WTF?

Upon reviewing my week I see a lot of things I did wrong. I didn't however EAT anything I shouldn't have. I didn't even eat everything I SHOULD have. Meh.

I was a lot more inactive this week. I had a headache for 4 days. 4 DAYS!!!! I felt like crap in general as well. I also had a problem of the... female variety. (Guys, you can stop reading if you'd like. I know this kinda stuff is... Icky for you heh) My last cycle ended on Dec 31, 2007. Niiiiiiiice right? I started AGAIN this past Monday. January 6, 2008. WTF? I dunno how much of the weight gain is due to some sort of hormonal thing I have going on or what but I DO NOT LIKE IT. I KNOW its the reason I felt like warmed over dog shit for 4 days though. Anyone have any ideas on what may be causing that?

This week I'm going to move around more and be more active. I'm going to EAT ALL MY FRAKKIN' POINTS. I'm going to drink my water and my dairy. Hopefully those things will make a difference. If not, I'll be going on the Core Plan shortly.

How was your week?