Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.
I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?
I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...
I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.
It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.
I am a control freak... hear me whimper...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Let me say that again for you...
I. JUST. DROVE. THE. MOTHER. LOVING. CAR!!!!!
I haven't been able to drive in 4 years folks. I haven't been able to fit behind the WHEEL in for years.
I'm so incredibly stoked its unreal.
::Takes a deep breath::
If you've never been unable to drive yourself places for a long period of time let me explain.
It is, quite possibly, one of the worst feelings in your life to be totally dependant on others for transportation for you and your child. Being beholden to someone else's availability. Being unable to get away. Being unable to surprise those you love with gifts without their knowledge. Being able to go to the grocery store or take your kid out just the two of you... It's... demoralizing. It's depressing. It's ridiculously limiting.
To have it be an issue because of your size... is all of those things to the Nth degree.
I feel empowered and free'd suddenly....
Now, I just need a vehicle.... LOL
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
What NAMG is doing to loose weight THIS week.
OK... so... Weigh In Day was yesterday. I lost another 3.5 lbs this week! WOOT. I'm rocking the calorie counting!
I'm existing on 1200 to 1600 calories. It all kind of depends on how hungry I am.
A typical food day follows:
2 Eggs, fried in non-stick spray oil - 140 Calories
2 slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread, toasted- 110 Calories
1 Cuppa Coffee - 0 Calories
2 FF Hot Dogs - 80 Calories
2 Slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread - 110 Calories
No calorie Mayo (It is real! Check it out!)
1 Pkg Reduced Fat Peanut Butter Crackers - 180 Calories
2 Artichoke and Spinach Alfredo Stuffed Chicken Breasts - 480 Calories
1 Cup Baked Beans - 240 Calories
Total Calories for the Day: 1340
I'm not feeling deprived. I'm not STARVING, but, I am a bit hungry by the end of the day. It's working well for now, so, onward I go!!!!
Side Note: Shecky is on a field trip today... At a water park. I'm a nervous, fricking wreck!
Friday, May 16, 2008
The exercise pool is out of commission. The pump/heater unit is fried. We've mailed it off. It should reach its destination Monday... ish. God knows when we'll get it back.
Currently I'm walking for exercise. I make the block several times a day. I'm aiming for 5 a day but I haven't made it past 4. The lil hill at the end of my walk KILLS me. I mean like... heart thumping outta my chest OMGICAN'TBREATHE gasping for air KILLS me.
But... I kinda like it. It reminds me why I'm doing this.
Conversation with Shecky day before yesterday:
Sheck: Momma! Guess what "Fall" does to make me do stuff SHE doesn't wanna do?
Me: ??? What ???
Sheck: She gives me PUPPY DOG EYES and LIPS!!!!!
Me: (trying desperately not to crack up) Does it work?
Sheck: Well.. .(Thoughtful silence from him) She's REALLY cute when she does it!
Me: (Loosing my shit) ::FacePalm::
God... it starts EARLY.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.
In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.
Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.
God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Jason Castro was totally eviscerated in the last few weeks of this "Reality TV Show". HATE.
What was once a show purported to be about kids getting a shot at their dream carreer in music has disintegrated into a show about cruel comments to kids living in a pressure cooker. It's just no longer fun to watch.
I am sad. I used to love this show. I used to be pissed that it didn't start until AFTER I was above the age cap. Meh. Done with it. THIS is what they threw away....
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I felt stuffed all day yesterday and only managed to eat 2200 calories. Bleh. Hate.
I'm considering dropping to 1600 calories a day. Not sure though. Damn. I need a magic bullet.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Husband retired. I spent some time with the in laws which was... nice. A little nerve wracking because we had too damn many people in a teeny tiny house. (6 adults, 1 very active child and 2 dogs... one of which could qualify as a small horse.)
I visited with my doctor Friday. She was still very pleased with my progress. 80 lbs in 9 months. She was a little concerned about my recent caloric intake. She has put me on 2500 calories a day... I was like... Yer KIDDING me, right? She was all... no... not really.
We also discussed surgical options again. Sigh. We had a long talk about it and I basically told her the idea of it just freaks me right. the. frick. out! It gives me the heebie jeebies and premonitions of DOOOOOOOOOOM. (Cause I'm a pansy like that.) Also that my heal rate is really slow and infection rate is really high and that it took me 5 MONTHS to heal from my C-section when I had Shecky and that was just one lil ole incision and not massive internal re-arranging... and... just. NO.
She laughed and said... "Ok then. No on the surgery." Thank GOD I amuse her so much. LOL. Otherwise, she'd just think I was a crackpot... though... she DID double my Zoloft. (PMDD... GOD it's a bitch!)
So, today I started 2500 calories. I managed to scarf down 652 calories for breakfast. HOLY HELL! That's almost as much as I ate in a frickin' day! I had:
1 Sausage Patty
1 slice of 2% American Cheese
1 C. of 2% Milk
1 Medium Sized Orange
That my friends... equals 652 calories. It's really not all THAT much food. It's the whole what you eat vs. how much you eat. Whew. I have no CLUE what I'm going to have for lunch. Mebbe a can of soup and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich. It's raining and damp and kinda chilly today. That sounds kinda good to me. I'm not at all sure how many calories it is though.
Whew. I'm talky today. If you're interested come back tonight and I'll have another post for you about Shecky and how he's driving me insane. Heh.
Happy Sink-o Da My-o. (I can't speel in Spaneesh.)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Then its on to Fort Worth for Husband's retirement party. Then... back home to the lake Sunday night. Late.
In other news... MySpace (Yes... I have a page :P) has a Karaoke Page. It's WAAAAAY cool. You can record yourself singing and then post it on your page... or not. I did! Anyone interested in listening to it can go here:
My MySpace Page
If you listen.. please... give me some feedback either here or there. I'm nervous about having it up there and want to know if I should leave it or take it down.