Teardrops on My Keyboard

I'm loosing someone very close to me. J is moving to another state. He got a promotion which is wonderful. It's a job he's been lusting over as long as I've known him. He has to move 3 states away to get it though. We'll keep in touch, I know. It won't be the same. I feel like my heart is breaking and I kinda want it to stop... a lot.

I have a headache from the tears... which are caused by the heartache... stoopid systemic sadness.

I feel like I've just been told someone I love is dying. WTF? I know that's not the case but... yeah. He reports to his new job in 2 weeks. Not much notice. Not much time.

Love you J. Gonna miss you more than you know. (Even if I DO wanna kick your ass occasionally. Heh.)

Fit Pitching

First let me say, I'm sorry.

If any of you have used the ChipIn button on my blog, I am SO very sorry.

There are things coming out about this situation that don't add up. There is speculation that it's a con. I hope to God that's not the case. I WANT to believe it's not the case. I REFUSE to believe it is the case. However, I felt I owe that warning to anyone considering donating.

I'm leaving the button up because I can't bring myself to POSSIBLY cause some one's demise on the CHANCE that it's not a legitimate cry for help.

I hate that about myself.

I find myself in a huge predicament. I placed my trust in someone with the belief that, like me, they are who they say they are. I stopped looking for a way to help support my family financially because I placed my trust in this person. Someone I'd never met face to face, yet, someone I identified with. Someone I clicked with.

I... am an Internet Newb.

Honestly, I DO know better. I know that the Internet allows for easily hiding one's true nature. That it is a breeding ground for con's and grifters. That the less than ethical among us lurk and lure via the Web waiting to pounce on those less suspicious and less savvy than themselves. This is not an unknown quantity to me... However, I choose to still trust. I choose to still be open with my life and what I've learned from it. I choose to reach out and make those connections with the invisible people the world over. I choose not to let the harsh realities of the predators out there change who I am.

I have a conundrum. I have a child that I have to protect. I'm now a little more wary. I'm now a little less trusting. I'm now unsure that those connections are a good thing... because of him... yet... I don't want it to change who I am... because of him.

Trying to Step Out of the Black...

I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.

The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.

I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?

Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.

Until this morning....

I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.


I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.

I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.

I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.

Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.

Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.

Today... I'm going to push through The Black.

Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...

I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...

Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

Yanno...

I'm just going to call this post things that are pissin' me off.

My son and his unshakable belief that if he argues with me he'll be able to change my mind.

My body and its penchant for causing me pain... lots of pain... and scaring the crap out of me.

My body again for bleeding in places it shouldn't be... and not giving me an explanation as to said fluid leakage.

My parents for acting like children when they deal with one another... and I DO NOT mean in a good way.

My bank for not giving me free money :P

That is all...

I. Give. Up.

I've truly reached the limit of my patience with this weight loss journey. I gained again this week. 1.2 lbs. I was SURE I had lost. Aunt Flo came for her visit. Water weight should no longer be an issue. So... WTF body?????!!!!!?!?!?!

I'm tired. I'm discouraged. I feel like I can't win, can't do anything right.

I'm 2 seconds from throwing my hands in the air and screaming "FUCKING UNCLE ALREADY!"

What do I do NOW?

FOUL....

yeah... that basically covers my mood.

I'm CONVINCED that I'm not going to loose tomorrow at WI. I've been exercising daily. I've been following the plan. However, we upped my daily points to 35 because of the hour or more of exercise in the water.

I don't feel it folks. You know how you can just TELL you're not loosing. YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW its just. not. working. Yeah. I'm there.

My frustration level is like... ::points to the moon:: THAT HIGH right now. I didn't even wanna eat dinner tonight. Mom finally forced the issue and I had 2 eggs on toast and a toasted cheese sandwich... for which I got yelled at about the amount of bread...

Yeah... everything is on my nerves. I SHOULD have had a visit from good ole' Aunt Flow like... Monday... but she's not shown up yet. I know I prolly have PMS and that's why my temper is on such a short fuse but ... I don't even like MYSELF right now.

And NOW? NOW!!! NOW I wanna eat like... EVERYTHING. I tend to do that. I'll not want to eat when I'm toward the end of PMS and when I finally DO eat... ZOMG I don't wanna stop. So, now I'm fighting that urge.

I'd just go to bed and sleep it off but... errrmmmm... its only 8:12pm... way too early.

HATE.EVERYTHING.RIGHT.NOW!!!



***Please excuse this rant. I HAD to get it out or I was going to strangle someone in this house and... honestly... I REALLY dun wanna go to jail.

The One In Which I Admit I Fail At Life

Today I listened to my father rant at me about how dirty the house was. The floors were dirty and needed mopped. Everything was dusty. I left my shoes in a corner of the living room rather than on the back porch. Everything was wrong.

I've been doing what I can in Mom's absence. Cooking, picking up the house, dishes, keeping up with the laundry. It doesn't sound like much but you have to remember. I'm a 408 lb lady. That's a LOT for me. I can't mop yet. I can't move furniture and vacuum behind it yet. I can't do a LOT of things yet. I feel like I suck enough without him reinforcing my sucktitude ThankYouVeryMuch.

Due to his tirade lasting all morning I didn't eat until 11:30 today. My blood sugars crashed like mad. I was mid crash when I was trying to fix lunch for Shecky, Dad and I. I forgot Mom is storing things in the oven. I melted some plastic containers and bags containing candied fruit for our fruit cakes... that we had to order online... cause none of the stores in this God forsaken BFE SELL the damned red and green candied pineapple. There was red candied pineapple and ... well.. GOO all over the inside of the oven. I cleaned it up but not until after I ate... which... yanno... pissed him off all over again. To be fair I didn't tell him I was having a sugar crash but THAT was only because I didn't want him freaking out about that too. Meh.

I've been waiting for him to blow up all week. My nerves have been driving me nuts all week. I KNEW I couldn't keep the house clean enough to keep him in check but I tried. Unfortunately, I snacked a lot this week as a result of the Nervous Nellie's that I had. I caught myself doing it off and on all week. I tried to compensate for it the best I could by eating fewer points than normal on those days... but... I still didn't loose anything this week.

So... yeah... I fail at life this week. Good thing a new one is starting, eh?

Mother Nature Is TRYING to Keel Me!

Holy Cotton Undies Batman! After the busiest 2 weeks EVER... (and I'm STILL not done baking for the soldiers... Candy tomorrow) Aunt Flo has decided to visit. I'm pissy. I'm hurting. I want to be held... but I dun want anyone around me... My head hurts, my feet stink and I dun luv Jebus anymore.

Such is the state of my mood.

However, I DID loose .7 lbs last week with Thanksgiving AND PMS... Take THAT! Heheh

Holiday Train Rooooooooollin' In

My Grandfather passed away December 18, 2006. We put him to rest on December 21, 2006.

We are rapidly approaching the holidays and the 1 year anniversary of his passing and none of us seem to be handling it well. Mom is already having the random crying jags. Grandma seems to be getting more depressed. My Nanny is too. I'm sure its affecting the others as well.

One of my cousins, who was hardest hit by Grandpa's passing, is going through a similar problem this year. His Father In Law is dying of cancer. He's being care for by Hospice Care, unable to eat and just slowly drifting away. His wife is a wreck. He works out of state. They have 3 kids ranging in age from 17 to 6. I pray for them daily.

The thing is... THEY HAVE KIDS. So do I. Just like last year its necessary and important to make the holidays as normal and fun and familycentric (It is TOO a word! I said so!) as possible. Last year we went through the motions and I think we did a good job of keeping the holidays in tact for the kids. Reindeer Feed was made and scattered. Santa was extra generous. We had the huge traditional meal together. There was laughter in spite of what had just happened... even if there were still tears in our eyes and our hearts.

This year just seems harder.

I'm pushing the Holiday train on everyone just like last year and I feel like crap about it. I miss my grandfather, too. Shecky does as well. I'll be damned, though, if I'm going to let a natural part of life make the holidays hollow for my family for the rest of our lives. The kids deserve better. The adults deserve better. Hell, my GRANDFATHER deserves better. (He loved the holidays and everyone being together and all the chaos and laughter that came with the house being full with his family.)

Am I wrong to try to preserve this time of year for me and mine? (And by me and mine I mean EVERYONE from my kid to my cousins kids) Should I just let it go and make it as nice for Shecky as I can and forget about everyone else? Do I continue to try to make sure we're all together and celebrating the best we can because God only knows how many more chances we'll get to do so? What would you do?

STREEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am, no so quietly, freaking the frick out! I mentioned yesterday that I quit my job. I also mentioned that our car is falling apart and Husband wants to buy a new car. (Not a NEW car mind you but a New to US car) This in and of itself isn't HORRIBLE. Its stressful, sure, but I can handle it.

My father believe buying the car is the WORST decision EVAR! He's been talking to me off and on all day about it trying to convince me to tell Ray not to buy it. While I see his point about the money, and the interest, and yanno... the MONEY... I also see Husband's point. He drives daily through Houston Rush Hour. If he breaks down he's more likely to get hit by another driver than not. He drives to Dallas/Ft. Worth every month for USAF Reserve Duty. He has to travel 3 hours to see Shecky and I. He needs something RELIABLE and that he's not going to have to keep sinking money into every month to repair... WHATEVER. (Since the beginning of the year we've sunk $3000.00 or more into it for various repairs.)

I've given him all the arguments against buying it and told him to do what he thinks is best. Yeah... I'm a LOT of help aren't I? Bleh. I'm seriously stressing over this. If he buys the car my father is going to drive me bonkers with his attitude and his "input" about a subject that he really has no say in. If he DOESN'T buy the car, gets it fixed (Another $600.00 in repairs) and the sucker breaks down AGAIN while he's traveling I'm going to feel like a complete bitch for talking him out of buying it. I'm so screwed.

What decision would YOU guys make in this situation? I'm just curious. I like to know I'm not alone...

PS Sorry for all the ranting the last few posts. I'll be more myself tomorrow!

PSPS He bought the car! ::Cringes:: I'm going to bed. :P