Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Trying to Step Out of the Black...

I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.

The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.

I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?

Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.

Until this morning....

I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.


I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.

I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.

I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.

Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.

Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.

Today... I'm going to push through The Black.

Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...

I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...

9 comments:

Miss Attitude said...

I know how you feel. It's easy to let it get worse instead of make it better. I think it's good to talk (or blog) about it and get it out. I think you're stronger than you realize.

margalit said...

Have you seen a doctor? I think that is your next step. When you experience this kind of depression, you need help. Especially because you have a family counting on you.

Depression is a medical condition. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Or frightened of. It is no different than diabetes or lupus. It's a chronic medical condition that many people experience. Like me. I can't function without medication. I know that, so I take my medication. But if I don't, my symptoms are just like yours. No showers, no getting dressed, saying in bed for days....

So please, call a doctor and get in asap. Please!

zdoodlebub said...

Did you move out of your parents, or are you and Shecky back with hubs for the summer?

I know the black of which you speak. And the pushing that is required. Hugs.

Miss Attitude said...

Agrees, you should go see your doctor. You may need to change medications.

perpstu said...

Blog about it all you want! Seriously, I could have written this post, I have the same empties and blahs that I hide pretty well. ((((hugs)))) I hope you climb out of the hole soon.

Anonymous said...

I just went back on Prozac, I'd sleep in and then move from the bed to the couch for the rest of the day. If I *had to go to work, I could make it happen, but if it wasn't required, not so much. I recently doubled my dose (from 20mg to 40mg) and it's been better, but I totally get just *not feeling good and not like I can hack it. I don't feel suicidal or anything, but like I just want to be left alone, permanently.

Platoxia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serena said...

Wow, I thought I'd written this. *blink* I figure I'm having a good week if I can manage to shower every few days.

-Serena (from Plurk)

greytfriend said...

I just finally subscribed instead of counting on you to remind me, and I saw that. I hope that until this week things were going better for you. I, too, know all too well the feelings you describe. Knowing the things you should be doing, that you would feel better if you did them, and still not caring enough to even start.

The big trick is recognizing it, because it happens so gradually each time. Please, after your surgery, keep a close eye on this and demand proper help if you need it. Pretend you are protecting one of us if that helps; you are so fierce in protecting your loved ones, like a mama tiger. I will be here for you in any way that I can possibly be to support you. You've added so much to my life and I'm really very grateful.