I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.
The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.
I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?
Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.
Until this morning....
I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.
I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.
I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.
I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.
Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.
Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.
Today... I'm going to push through The Black.
Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...
I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...