Depression and Me

It's a well known fact that I suffer from depression. MOST of the time it's under pretty good control. Like anyone I have my rougher patches, even when medicated, and it makes everything more difficult.

Unfortunately, my rough patches seem to come ever ohhh... 28 days or so. You know how they say its always darkest before the dawn? Yeah... in MY case... It's always darkest before Aunt Flo...

Honestly, I don't even like MYSELF when I get like I am tonight. I don't want to see ANYONE, yet, I want Husband and J within arms reach in case I get weepy. God HELP them if they speak to me though. I don't wanna do ANYTHING. I feel totally drained... and yet... I'm almost manic with this nervous, manic energy that I can't seem to rid myself of. I DO NOT LIKE ANYTHING. Nothing makes me happy. I burned dinner tonight... but it was still really tasty... but I was still PISSED because that wasn't how I'd envisioned the dish. Yeah... PSYCHO...

I'd just lock myself in a closet so no one else has to suffer my mood... but I dun even wanna be around myself.

PISS OFF PMS...

Anonymous

I feel like I'm out of gas today.
I don't feel "like myself".
I feel that I have nothing to say.
I don't feel like talking will help.

I feel like screaming into the wind.
I don't feel it will do any good.
I feel like something should be coming to an end.
I don't feel hopeful like I thought I would.

I feel angry and sad and anxious and scared.
I don't feel it strongly enough.
I feel like pain halved is not pain shared.
I feel like I'm not very tough.

I feel empty.
I don't feel right.
I feel numb.
I don't feel I have any fight.

I feel... anonymous.

Trying to Step Out of the Black...

I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.

The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.

I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?

Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.

Until this morning....

I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.


I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.

I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.

I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.

Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.

Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.

Today... I'm going to push through The Black.

Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...

I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...

I Think I've Reached My Limit....

TOO. MUCH. STRESS.

Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.

In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.

Shit.

Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.

God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.

This Is...

Redneck Idol!!!!


OMG. I had SO much fricking fun Saturday night.

I actually went to a bar and sang Karaoke for the first time in YEARS. I managed to sing 2 songs before my partner in crime, J, got to tired for words. The first song was Nothing Compares 2 U by Skinhe...err.. Sinead O'Conner. I did a decent job on it. My legs shook the WHOLE way through the song though. I got a lil audience reaction but not much.

I actually got the crowd to pay attention on the 2nd song. I sang Crystal Gayle's Cry. It started out shaky. The first verse was just... bad. I was recovering from the oddest conversation I've ever had and I just wasn't in it mentally. Then I hit the first chorus and just let it RIP! I nailed that sucker to the WALL. They whooped and hollered and stood and clapped. I was STOKED.

The odd conversation in the bathroom? Well...I got the strangest compliment EVAR. There was this lady in a pink tank top hanging on all the men in the bar. No WAY could you not notice her. She stopped me in the ladies room to tell me "You have REALLY nice boobs." I had no CLUE what to do with that so I muttered a soft and hurried "Thankyou" and got the hell outta there. Heh.

I'll definitely be going back and singing again. I forgot how much I love it. How much it makes me feel ... right.

The Calm After The Storm

So, after I put a lid on the rage I was feeling yesterday, (and yes it WAS rage. I cried all frippin' morning and that means I was out of control and in a rage. ) Dad said something to me that I thought was kinda odd but once I reflected on it I think he may have hit upon something.

I'm not having enough fun.

I'm spending my days exercising, worrying over diet, taking care of Shecky and his needs, trying to appease my parents, and stressing over all of it. Sure I play a few games on the laptop. Sure I read and watch some TV. None of that however is stuff that charges me up. It's all just kind of place holders to give me a little downtime during the day/evening. Not a single thing on that list up there is something that turns my wheels.

I. Aer. An. ID10T. I'm not having any fricking FUN. I'm not getting any positive, re-charging activity.

So... Saturday J. is coming to visit. We're going to a Karaoke bar and I'm going to sing... In Front Of Other People. HOLYSHIT! I'm already having panic attacks about it, however, I'm excited as hell at the same time. WOOTHOLYSHIT!

Tears of Frustration...

Yeah... That's where I am with my dieting and exercise. I'm eating my 34 points, which I STILL think is too many. I'm exercising my ASS off in the pool. I'm jogging, doing jumping jacks, squats, "The Cowboy", "The Rocking Horse", kicking, dancing all to some hard driving music for an hour a day.

I DIDN'T LOOSE AGAIN THIS WEEK.

That's 3 weeks in a row with no forward movement. Heck, I was at 393 January 27th and I'm back up to 398. WTF???

I'm angry and frustrated and annoyed.

My kid misses his father. A lot. I miss having my own space and not having to answer to my parents. I miss my fricking LIFE.

I'm starting to feel like its just not worth it. It's starting to feel like all the sacrifice and work just isn't paying off. I hate this shit.

I'm in a really, REALLY horrible mood. I've been in a funk for a couple of weeks as you can tell from my posts and the spotty number of them that exist. Now? NOW I'm pissed off.

I know I need to turn it around mentally but I'm having a really difficult time doing it. I can't tell if I'm depressed or just frustrated or if, God Help Me, it's a combination of both kicking my ass. All I know is it needs to GO AWAY!

I'm feeling really cut off from people, yet, I don't really want anyone around me because I'm on a hair trigger with my temper....

And now I'm whining. Imma shaddup for now. I hope you all have a great day.

I Hang My Head In Shame...

Damn it. I LOST.MY.SHIT. with Shecky this morning. This single parenting thing is taking its toll on me, my patience and my child.

I cannot STAND whining. It's like ... well... it bypasses my eardrums and heads straight for my central nervous system, setting my teeth on edge and making me want to scream in agony.

Shecky, God love him, has a fit throwing, eardrum passing whine habit. This morning's episode was a toot! He has recently learned how to tie his own shoes. However, he doesn't like having to do it himself. He has a "hoop issue". Anyway, this morning he decided someone else was going to tie his shoes and commenced to throwing the whiniest, brattiest hissy fit in history. He tantrumed his ass off... and I lost it. I yelled, I grounded, I cajoled , I tore my hair out. His fit lasted 30 minutes. My father was yelling at him, taunting him, calling him a baby, which, yeah... SO not helping.

I truely am at my wits end with it. I don't know how to effectively circumvent these fits of his. I can't figure out how to redirect the whining into something more positive. Unfortunately, I don't have the patience to deal with them either.

Now, I realize he was tired. He went to bed an hour and a half late. (Basketball game, they lost. Season OVER for him.) He got up a half an hour early as well. (Don't ask. I swear the later he goes to bed the earlier he rises. YOU figure it out. God knows I've tried and failed more times than I can count.) I'm sick so my tolerance and patience levels are lower than normal. I, logically, know that all of that figures in. I feel like crap for my part in our morning tantrum from Hell. A large part of me wants to let him off the hook and rescind the grounding edict. (Partially out of self defence. WTF was I THINKING? I grounded him from TV and Video Games... for a week... dumb ass move Mom. However, I realize if I let him off his grounding, I'm doing the wrong thing.

Help. Me.

Crap On A Stick...

Yeah... that pretty much describes how I feel.

Today I have been living in bizarro world. My blood sugars have been crashing like blind pilot flying through a gaggle of geese! I have crashed 3 times today... once as low as 49... 49???!?!?!?!!!! Jesus. I'm eating. I'm taking my meds. The only thing I can think of is the addition of exercising in the pool is causing my metabolism to work faster or better or... at all. I just know I'm exhausted PHYSICALLY between the low blood sugars and the exercise... but I'M NOT SLEEPY!

I hurt to frickin' much to be sleepy. My arms and legs are performing a slow, evil torture on me. I. No. LIKEE!!!! Bleh.

Sorry for all the whining. I'm just not having the best of days physically... *reads post again* or mentally I guess. Heh.

ZOMG Heath Leger is DEAD??? Dudes, he's 10 years younger than me and he's DEAD??? That's. Not. RIGHT!

Bitter Pills

There's something I need to get off my chest. I watch the media circus surrounding Brittney Spears and I have to take a step back. I mean... She's a PERSON. She has CHILDREN.

She OBVIOUSLY has some problems. I'm sure some of them are... errr.. pharmaceutical related but I honestly believe she has a larger, more urgent problem. The media and the people surrounding her, feeding the media frenzy, need to STEP OFF and let this woman get some help. In fact, the people in her LIFE, not her public life but her REAL life, need to STEP IN and make sure that happens. Yeah she's a public figure. Yeah, she's got tons of money. Yeah, many people can't stop reading/watching/talking about the train wreck that her life has become. I, however, can.

I've been reading and watching the news about her since her head shaving incident with awe and horror. No more. I wish I could reach out to her, take her by the hand and lead her away from all this nonsense and get her some help. I can't. I know that. Instead, I'll keep her and her children in my prayers and hope that someone who CAN help her... does.

The One In Which I Admit I Fail At Life

Today I listened to my father rant at me about how dirty the house was. The floors were dirty and needed mopped. Everything was dusty. I left my shoes in a corner of the living room rather than on the back porch. Everything was wrong.

I've been doing what I can in Mom's absence. Cooking, picking up the house, dishes, keeping up with the laundry. It doesn't sound like much but you have to remember. I'm a 408 lb lady. That's a LOT for me. I can't mop yet. I can't move furniture and vacuum behind it yet. I can't do a LOT of things yet. I feel like I suck enough without him reinforcing my sucktitude ThankYouVeryMuch.

Due to his tirade lasting all morning I didn't eat until 11:30 today. My blood sugars crashed like mad. I was mid crash when I was trying to fix lunch for Shecky, Dad and I. I forgot Mom is storing things in the oven. I melted some plastic containers and bags containing candied fruit for our fruit cakes... that we had to order online... cause none of the stores in this God forsaken BFE SELL the damned red and green candied pineapple. There was red candied pineapple and ... well.. GOO all over the inside of the oven. I cleaned it up but not until after I ate... which... yanno... pissed him off all over again. To be fair I didn't tell him I was having a sugar crash but THAT was only because I didn't want him freaking out about that too. Meh.

I've been waiting for him to blow up all week. My nerves have been driving me nuts all week. I KNEW I couldn't keep the house clean enough to keep him in check but I tried. Unfortunately, I snacked a lot this week as a result of the Nervous Nellie's that I had. I caught myself doing it off and on all week. I tried to compensate for it the best I could by eating fewer points than normal on those days... but... I still didn't loose anything this week.

So... yeah... I fail at life this week. Good thing a new one is starting, eh?

Mother Nature Is TRYING to Keel Me!

Holy Cotton Undies Batman! After the busiest 2 weeks EVER... (and I'm STILL not done baking for the soldiers... Candy tomorrow) Aunt Flo has decided to visit. I'm pissy. I'm hurting. I want to be held... but I dun want anyone around me... My head hurts, my feet stink and I dun luv Jebus anymore.

Such is the state of my mood.

However, I DID loose .7 lbs last week with Thanksgiving AND PMS... Take THAT! Heheh

NoBloPoMo

Crap! I went to Houston for the weekend to see my husband and my dog and didn't post for 2 days! So much for NaBloPoMo!

I had a great weekend. Played Eternal Sonata on the XBoX360 all frickin weekend. ADDICTED to that game! Thanks J... Now I need a fix!

This week is gonna be HELLA busy. I'm sure it is for everyone else as well. Had some thoughts tonight on Dad and his drinking. Not sure if I'm going to share them or not though... I probably will. Gonna go get some rest! Nytol.

What Fresh Hell....

is this??? After a weekend with a sick 7 year old and today with a feeling much better 7 year old desperately trying to burn off some energy even though I want him to be still cause being off from school sick isn't SUPPOSED to be fun is more than I can handle. I'm done for the day. Nytol...

How Low Can Ya' Go?

I want to apologize for my lack of posts lately. I seem to be loosing my resolve for a lot of things and I'm not sure why.

I seem to have hit a bit of a plateau with my weight loss. I'm more easily tempted to stray from the eating plan and yet at the same time I don't really want to eat... anything.

I'm still walking but its becoming a chore. Something I HAVE to do rather than something I WANT to do. My legs, they hurt. They're tired. So am I.

I have little or no patience with Shecky lately. I know he's tired after school but when I try to study with him or quiz him for a test its like he doesn't even try. He swears he's trying and he's focusing but I get more frustrated and angry each time he gives an incorrect answer.

I seem to be tired a lot. I'm sleeping well at night but during the day I just get so... listless. I don't want to do much of anything and when I DO make the effort to do something I'm just sort of... meh... about the whole thing.

WTF is WRONG with me lately? Is the single parenting getting to me? (Husband tries but he's not here for the day to day stuff that I get frustrated with.) Is it the lack of progress on the weight loss? Am I just going through a bit of depression again? If it IS depression do I just ride it out or do I talk to my DR about it? (By Dr I mean PCP not shrink. I dun have one of those... Mebbe I NEED one... bleh) Am I just tired of feeling alone all the time?

Husband and J are trying to make things as easy for me as possible. (J is someone very close to me and he and Husband share an apartment). They bought me a brand new laptop this past weekend and I was thrilled. Tickled pink. Unfortunately, the baseline BLEH I've been feeling is still there.

I've avoided posting in the hopes that this would just... pass. I didn't want to whine to the internets about how out of sorts I am but at this point... mebbe it will help. God knows not much else is!

I refuse to end this entry on such a downer. Here's a random story from when Shecky was a kid:

When Shecky was 2 or 3 he was OBSESSED... with Bob the Builder. I don't remember how he got introduced to that show, those characters, but he LOVED it. He was visiting my parents one summer while Dad was still finishing his build of this house. A friend of theirs was helping him. Shecky wandered out to where they were working and Dad introduced Sheck to his friend. Shecky, wide eyed and in awe, looked at this new person, holding a hammer, working on his Grandpa's house as my Dad said, "This is Mr. Bob." and then Shecky replied... "Bob... the... BUILDER!!!!" HE STILL calls him that... today... heh. Kids

{edited cause spellcheck doesn't catch it when I use the wrong word.. cough...}

Hangin' By My Fingertips....

Today... I am tired. Bone weary. I have no clue as to why. I didn't exercise in the water. I didn't do much of anything. I helped with laundry, did dishes, helped Shecky with homework, hung out with him this evening upstairs watching him play games, watching TV with him and reading. Nothing strenuous. I took a 2 hour NAP today from 11am to 1pm even. Yet, I'm so tired I can barely think.

I've eaten some oatmeal with peaches in it and some soup with cabbage, tomato, chicken and zucchini in it. Its not like I'm not eating. Its not like I'm eating junk. However, my energy level just doesn't seem to exist on any REAL level. Meh.

I'm afraid after last weeks massive weight loss this week may be a gain. I'm not eating much but I'm not DOING all that much either. Sometimes this whole weight loss roller coaster is more than I can handle mentally.

Mom is burned out. She's not on plan right now and I can't really ding her for it. She's already DONE this and lost over 100 lbs.

I'm just really struggling mentally right now. Tomorrow will be better, Right?

Allll Aboard! HaHaHa! Crazy Train!

They say... "Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids." I know its supposed to be some cute lil saying but, there's some truth to it. It IS hereditary.

My paternal grandmother, "Granny", was certifiably bat shit crazy. God Rest Her Soul. She was Bi-polar with a splash of paranoia according to the doctors. She took medication for the Bi-polarity but often times the paranoia would flare up and she would be convinced that her lithium was actually poison and everyone was trying to kill her. She'd stop taking it and the manic/depressive swings would begin. She was a tortured woman with a mean streak a mile wide when she wasn't stable on her medication. Conversely, when she WAS on her meds and stable, she was a sweet lil ole lady with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Unfortunately, the older she got, the more the Bi-polar condition took her over. The longer she lived the more pressing the paranoia. I wasn't around her much at the end. I was living my life of a young, newly married 9 hours away, but I could see her worsening when I came home to visit.

I now find myself in an interesting situation. My father seems to exhibit much of the same behavior. The misplaced aggression. The mood swings where everything is either PERFECT or absolutely NOTHING is right. No middle ground. He often speaks to others in a tone that is... well... implies that they are worth less than a piece of crap on his shoe. Its hard to explain WHY I believe that he's showing symptoms of Bi-polarity. You'd have to know him and experience it first hand to really understand. I'm not the only one in the family that sees it. However, NONE of us know what to do about it.

Mom has talked to him about it. Has tried to get him to see someone and get diagnosed but he refuses. He states, EMPIRICALLY, that NOTHING is wrong with him. That's its everyone else that has the problem. The rest of us are hesitant to approach him on the subject because we don't want to be on the receiving end of his righteous wrath. (He's a very scary man when he looses his temper. Its like its an entirely different person who has no control over his anger or what he says or HOW he says what he says. He's intentionally hurtful. Like goes for the jugular verbally.)

The longer I live with my parents the more I see how bad the situation between them is. Mom can't say or do anything right. Dad completely looses his shit over the smallest things and just wails on her verbally. (Yesterday it was because she distracted him while playing a game on the computer and it caused him to loose a life.) Mom reacts to him much like a battered woman. Shrinking back, saying little or nothing for fear of making him angrier. He usually feels like crap after and is nice to her for a while... but it always happens again. He's not PHYSICALLY abusive to her but verbally... that's a whole other kettle of fish. Emotionally as well. (I actually witnessed him bellowing at her "Its like I don't exist to you. You don't exist either. Without me you don't exist." )

So, my question to you is this. How am I supposed to sit back and just watch this happen? Do I press for him to get help and tempt his rage? IS it a mental health issue? Is it just flat out abuse due to the abuse given to him by his mother when she was having fits of crazy as a bed bugishness? Is it truly none of my business even though I'm here in the house bearing witness to it all?

Help. Me.

Blank...

That's how my brain is today. I'm sitting here, answering calls, giving the same answers over and over and over and over until I think my brain is going to just ooze out of my ears. This job is mind numbing. The people I deal with on the phone are either highly education and don't think they could have POSSIBLY made a mistake, or very uneducated and don't understand how the plan works for them... or doesn't work for them.

I try to be respectful and friendly to all the callers. I try to be upbeat and personable and put a smile into my voice. Today... that's not happening very easily. The respect and the friendliness and the smile have to go both ways for it not to beat you down and trample you into the ground. I'm tired. I feel like I've been beaten with a bat by Babe Ruth. I'm... underwhelmed.

My GOD I'm whiny. I actually have a very good employer. They are very tolerant of my health issues and are very supportive in a lot of ways. I like helping people on a daily basis. I have a beautiful son, a loving husband and good friends. So, my question is... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST POINTLESS??? Why does nothing seem worth the effort? Why, once everyone is asleep, do I cry until I finally fall asleep from exhaustion? How do I fix these things?