Revelations Chapter 1, Verse 1

I realized something this weekend.

I'm VERY bothered that it seems I'm so far behind in life compared to others my age.

Let me explain. We visited with some folks at the lake this weekend. We'll call them the Purples. The Purples are just a few years older than Husband and I. They are GRANDPARENTS. They are HOMEOWNERS. They are GROWN-UPS.

We, no.. I am not the first two and don't FEEL like the third. Shecky just turned 8. Most people my age have grand kids.... I feel sort of... out of the loop and left behind. How foolish is that?

Then, yesterday, I was conversing with my parents. Dad mentioned the fact that my brother was going to be a grandfather... my YOUNGER brother... and I was MORTIFIED. I was... JEALOUS. I was SAD. He had beaten me to that milestone by a long, LONG margin.

I wouldn't exchange my child for an older one. I don't want to wish away his youth. I'm THRILLED that he keeps me young and keeps me going. However, I can't help feeling like I've missed the bus somewhere and that I'm a failure at being an adult.

By the way, the age of my son isn't the only thing that makes me feel this way. It's just one that KEEPS popping up for me. :)

Summer Time, Summer Time, Sum-Sum-Summer Time

Today is Sheckys first day of Summer Vacation!

The last day of school a letter was sent home with all the kids. On the back, there was an essay by Robert Kelly-Goss of the N.Y. Times News Service. It made me weep... just a little. It made me realize... often, these days, kids are just miniature adults rather than carefree lil' kids.

It's Time Kids Did What Kids Do In Summer As We Used To ...

I want you to run wild and free through the streets of your neighborhood on a hot summer afternoon, tiring yourself so thoroughly that you can barely make it to the bed before you put pajamas on and brush your teeth.

I would like to see you stain the soles of your feet green and brown and cause your mother to shake her head as she scrubs so hard to get it off, but it won't until the first chill of autumn drives your shoes back on your feet.

I want you to show me what a fort looks like and just how you would build it.

I want you to rummage through scrap piles and find wonderfully odd pieces of wood and the like and build a fort, then I DARE you boys to keep the girls out; it won't work. I promise.

I want to see you, when you're tired, sitting int he shade of a giant tree, sipping lemonade poured from the stand you set up, leftover after you sold a few nickles' worth to a passerby.

I would like to see you and your friends on your bikes, towels slung over your shoulders, riding furiously to the local pool or the water hole.

I want to see you on your way back, pedaling a little slower, no worse for the wear, but rightly tired just the same.

I want to see you at bat imitating your favorite player, not at screen, seeing a virtual image of him as he plays a game you control with a joystick.

I want to see you find simple pleasures and joy from merely picking up a dandelion and blowing it into the sky. Watching those little feathery pieces float in the sunlight, your face lit up, ear to ear.

I want to see you give up the frustrations of a life inside, or on the cell phone, and head back out where the world is more than a text message or an e-mail to a friend.

It's where friends meet, or happen upon one another, and days are spent just doing whatever, imagining things and creating games so fanciful and imaginative that suddenly it's late, and your parents are worried, and you might be in for it now because you missed your curfew.

Dear child, I would like to see you jump in the puddles outside your house in the rain or even play a silly game of hide and seek.

I just want to see you, outside, playing, away from video games and computers and cellphones and televisions.

I want to see you having the kind of fun that can only happen because you're bored, and forced to create something out of nothing. That's what I would like for you, child, as summer nears.

He's been inside all day. He can't find anyone to play with outside. He hates playing alone. Meh. So far he's watched TV, played on the laptop, Played with the X-Box 360, watched MORE TV... sigh. I have no clue what to do with him. I want all those things FOR him... but I have no idea how to GIVE them to him when he abhors playing alone so much... and I can't do most of those things just yet.

Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

It's The End Of The World As We Know It...

... But I don't feel fine...

I have a situation that I'm not sure how to address.

I've mentioned Shecky's Godfather before, Unca B. I failed to mention that he has something called Wegner's Granulatomasis Vasculitis. It's bad. It's difficult. It's... well, basically it's killing him. It's attacked his kidneys, his sinuses and now its begun an assault on his lungs. He has nodules and scarring and is now exhibiting pleuresy like symptoms... only... not pleuresy. Last Tuesday he wound up in the ER unable to breathe. Tonight on the phone he sounded like ass. Warmed Over Ass, to be precise. I thought he was tired... but no... he's having problems breathing.

I have to tell you, I love this man with every piece of my being. I have for a long time. He's my best friend, my biggest support and the first one to call bullshit on me when its needed. I'm scared taht he's dying. No, I KNOW he's dying. I'm scared that its happening WAY faster than I'm ready for. I'm not sure how to deal with that.

That's not really the problem. Shecky LOVES Unca B. Like, HERO WORSHIPS the man. How do I explain it all to him? or... Do I at all? Do I just tell him he's sick and leave it at that? Do I say nothing and when the end comes just tell him he's gone? Can I just leave the child a note? Yeah, I know... Bad Mommy. I'm just at a complete loss on this one. Dealing with my own feelings about his illness is impossible... How do I do it for him?

What Am I To Who?

I had the opportunity to reflect on my relationships with my parents today. Dude, I'm totally scared of MYSELF right now.

Mom and I have a good relationship. We're friends. We enjoy doing stuff together. When American Idol is on we call each other after each performance to dish and critique. Mom talks to me about things she's having issues with. She asks my advise and I do the same. Its a reciprocal relationship. I'm really glad that we're more than just Mother and Daughter.

Dad and I are a totally different story. He's still "Daddy" and I'm still his kid. So MUCH so that I can't have an adult conversation with him. I suddenly turn into a brainless, willful, overly emotional 12 year old who just wants Daddy's approval and understanding. WTF??? Why in the Hell do I DO that? It drives me INSANE. I hate feeling like that child. I hate that when he bellows I get all... Wahhhhhh. Yanno? How did I end up with completely OPPOSITE types of relationships with my parents?

I turn 39 in a few days... why is his approval and understanding still something I need so badly? I'm a good mom. I'm a decent wife. I'm a GREAT friend. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm witty. I'm a dork. I know all this. Why is it so flippin' important that HE recognize it?

Meh. Mebbe I'm just overtired....

What Kind Of Person...

AM I? I've been forced to ask myself this question a lot lately.

The Monday before Christmas was one of those days. We had to travel to my grandmother's house so maintenance on her heater could be done. NEVERMIND that no one actually.... yanno... LIVES there anymore. We drove the hour and a half to her house and let the dude in. Everything was fine. Blah, blah, blah.

Mom decided we needed to go Cemetery hopping since we were in town. First, we went to her fathers grave site. I said a lil prayer, got back in the car with Shecky, yes... Shecky was with us, and gave her a few moments to herself. Next we went to the cemetery a town or two over where my father's parents and brother were all buried. We cleaned the headstones. We placed some flowers. I said a prayer for each of them. I explained to Shecky who they were and what they were like. They had all passed away before he was born, really, LONG before. We then went to my great uncle's grave and said a prayer for him.

Now, this is where I started having to question myself as to what kind of person I am. Close to my great uncle's grave was the grave site of a very dear friend of mine. In fact, she was so dear to me I named Shecky after her. I never CAN find her spot. Mom found it. I took Shecky to her grave and explained who she was. Why she was important in my life and why I named him after her. Then... I cried... buckets.

She died 12 years ago folks. She's been gone a long, LONG time. Longer than most of the others I visited that day. However, she was the loss that made me weep. She was the one who's absence made me hurt. She was the one I missed... even still. She was the one I wanted my son to have known and HATED that he never would.

On the 2 hour drive home I had to ponder all of this. What does this say about me? Am I a bad person for not crying over my grandparents graves? My uncle's? Does it mean they didn't effect/affect me as much as she did? Is it just because she was lost to us at such a young age while the others had all lived such full lives? Was I just messed up in my head? Meh.

I never really reached any conclusions. I just know I still miss her and the world is worse off without her....

Too Blessed To Be Stressed...

Ummm Not so much. 4:30am we were awakened by a call from my Nanny Deb. My grandmother lives with her. Grandma was having problems. Her blood pressure was 197/102 and her Oxygen level was only 85%. That's really high and really low for those that don't know. Nanny Deb wanted to take her to the ER. Grandma said she just wanted to be left alone to die. In the end, my cousin Jody convinced her to go to the ER by explaining that she wasn't DYING, per se, but that she'd likely have a stroke with her Blood Pressure being so high and wouldn't THAT just make the quality of her life SO much better? (GO JODY!!!)

She's been in the ER at the hospital since shortly after 7:00AM. We were told she'd been moved to the ICU... only... she's STILL in the fricking ER waiting on a bed to free up in ICU.

They've given her some nitre glycerin and her blood pressure is better. They're still admitting her though.

The kicker, my friends, is that today is the one year anniversary of my grandfather, her husband, passing away. Mom had planned to go to the cemetery and visit Grandpa. She didn't get to go. She felt like she needed to stay close to home in case they needed her for something.

As horrible as this is going to make me sound, I wonder how much of Grandma's health crisis today is due to it being the anniversary of his death. How much of it was her wanting to die because its the day he died and how much of it was her wanting the focus of today to be on her. (You would have to really know my grandmother to understand why I would even THINK this.) I feel like a really shitty person for wondering those things, but, I do wonder them.

Mom feels like she was robbed of the opportunity to reflect on her father's life and passing today. She feels like, this day, of all days, should have been about him. Yet, she's forced to put her focus elsewhere. I agree with her, but again, I have to wonder if it was horrible that it turned out the way it did. The focus of today became the living, not the dead. I'm not so sure that's such a horrible way to mark the passing of a man we all loved and miss.

Maybe, I'm just thinking too much....

Holiday Musings... and A Challenge

The Holiday's are HARD. I LOVE them. Don't get me wrong. I love the baking and the cooking and the shopping and the wrapping and the family gatherings. I love the sense of wonder you find in children at this time of year and the warm fuzzies you find in adults.

However, (you KNEW there had to be a however, Right?) for some reasons the Holidays also bring to the surface everyone's... ISSUES. Everything is intensified. Issues with your family, with yourself, with your pocket book and with society in general all seem so much WORSE during the Holidays. People die every... single... DAY. Yet, when it happens during the Holiday Season it seems so much more tragic. The impact of that death seems harder... lasts longer... is remembered more vividly.

I try to keep a positive mindset during the Holidays. I'm thankful for all that I have. I appreciate everything I can do. I also like to stop and reflect on how fortunate I and my family really are. But... (You KNEW there was a but, RIGHT? ) I can't help but think about those that aren't as lucky. Who can't give their kids a happy holiday be it for financial reasons or other things that may not be within their control.

Because my mind works the way it does, my husband and I have a tradition of doing... SOMETHING for someone else during this time of year. Its generally not someone we know. Often, we don't know their names or their full circumstances. Those things don't really matter to us. We just want to make things a little better for someone else because were things different... we could EASILY be in the same boat.

Last year we adopted 2 kids and made sure they had a Christmas. The year before we took two names off a tree at Walmart and bought something for those kids. This year I'm baking my arse off and sending the results to a random person in the army hoping that it eases their heart while away from those they love during the Holidays and hoping it lets them know their sacrifices aren't unappreciated or un-noticed.

My challenge for you is this:

One Random Act of Kindness. It can be for someone you know well or not at all. It doesn't matter. You can donate money, toys, food or time. Help and elderly person put up their decorations... Bake a pie or cake for a neighbor who's having a hard time.... Pay for the coffee of the person standing on the corner selling newspapers on the corner this chilly Sunday.... WHAT EVER. It doesn't have to be a huge gesture. Something small works as well. Make a small difference to someone... and then... encourage someone else to do the same.

I'm involving my mother in my efforts this year. She's helping me plan and bake. Shecky... his entire 2nd grade class is making Christmas Cards for soldiers to be sent with my package. His teacher is having them do it.

This isn't a new idea. The movie "Pay It Forward" put it forth in a massive way. There's a National Day of Kindness. However, (you HAD to know... cough... ) during the holidays seems to be a time it can be of most use to those who may need it the most. Join me, won't you?

Bonfires and Kindergarten Court

This week is Homecoming at Shecky's school. Tonight they had the coronation of the PreK-8th grade Duchesses and a bonfire. It was ADORABLE! The little girls in their fancy dresses. The lovely corsages and Homecoming mums. The escorts whether it was the proud papa or an adorable kid from their class. The 2 inch high heels... WHU???

Mom and I were looking at the girls. Many of the younger ones, we're talking 1st and 2nd graders, had high heels on. I mean... HIGH. Mom and I were talking about it and we realized... that was all their MOTHER'S doing. I don't quite get that. I mean... yes. Its an honor for their darling lil girl to be chosen as the Duchess. Dressing her up in the finest gown they can find is great! However, LET THEM BE LIL GIRLS. Holy Hell!

Kids grow up so much faster these days. It doesn't help when their parents are encouraging it. Is it just me? Am I wrong and looking at it in a skewed way or are these parents actually encouraging their 6 and 7 year old daughters to grow up too quickly? Meh... mebbe I'm just bitter because I wasn't allowed to have high heels until I was 13... heh.

More Of The Same...

OK. My post yesterday about odd happenings during this week in history just got a little.... odder.

Today, an employee at NASA, here in Houston, took two hostages in the engineering building. He killed one of them and then committed suicide after a 4 hour stand off with the police and FBI.

Since MONDAY, schools in 28 states have received some sort of threat and caused the schools to lock down or be evacuated.

Here's the kicker...

April 20, 1889 Adolf Hitler was born...

Mebbe THAT was the start of it!

Thoughts I Can't Escape

R. made a comment to me that something was weird with this week in history. I want you guys to check this out:

April 16, 2007 Virginia Tech
April 19, 1993 Waco Branch Davidians
April 19, 1995 Oklahoma City Bombing
April 20, 1995 Massacre at Columbine HS

Four of the five biggest tragedies in our nation happened THIS WEEK... over the course of 15 years. It makes me wonder what it is, what caused this phenomenon. Is it Spring Fever? The end of a long, cold winter causing stir crazy people (or perhaps people with Seasonal Depression mebbe?) to suddenly act out? Was there a full moon on all these dates? Allergies got you down? WHAT??? It bothers me. Each of these events was caused by one or two people who just went batshit crazy. How many hundreds of lives were effected? How many parents mourning their children? How many children growing up without the guidance of a steady, loving parental hand?

I look at those dates, those events, and reflect on the horror each brought. I know the impact they made on me and I can only imagine what it did to the people directly effected.

The question that burns the hottest in my mind though is this:

What is it that drives us as a species to destroy our peers as we self-destruct?

Suicide is selfish. Yes. I once said its the most selfish act someone could ever make. I was wrong. Destroying other people by either killing them or leaving them as the survivors of your rampage and your disregard for life in general as you self-destruct in a ball of flaming "Glory"... that's the epitome of selfishness. That's the final act of ultimate narcissism and a perfect expression of the growing sense of entitlement that each generation seems revel in as time goes on.

How do we fix it? How do we make a dent? We start with ourselves and our kids. We fix those same flaws within ourselves and try not to pass them along to the next generation... Man... Shecky is NOT gonna like me much for a while.