AM I? I've been forced to ask myself this question a lot lately.
The Monday before Christmas was one of those days. We had to travel to my grandmother's house so maintenance on her heater could be done. NEVERMIND that no one actually.... yanno... LIVES there anymore. We drove the hour and a half to her house and let the dude in. Everything was fine. Blah, blah, blah.
Mom decided we needed to go Cemetery hopping since we were in town. First, we went to her fathers grave site. I said a lil prayer, got back in the car with Shecky, yes... Shecky was with us, and gave her a few moments to herself. Next we went to the cemetery a town or two over where my father's parents and brother were all buried. We cleaned the headstones. We placed some flowers. I said a prayer for each of them. I explained to Shecky who they were and what they were like. They had all passed away before he was born, really, LONG before. We then went to my great uncle's grave and said a prayer for him.
Now, this is where I started having to question myself as to what kind of person I am. Close to my great uncle's grave was the grave site of a very dear friend of mine. In fact, she was so dear to me I named Shecky after her. I never CAN find her spot. Mom found it. I took Shecky to her grave and explained who she was. Why she was important in my life and why I named him after her. Then... I cried... buckets.
She died 12 years ago folks. She's been gone a long, LONG time. Longer than most of the others I visited that day. However, she was the loss that made me weep. She was the one who's absence made me hurt. She was the one I missed... even still. She was the one I wanted my son to have known and HATED that he never would.
On the 2 hour drive home I had to ponder all of this. What does this say about me? Am I a bad person for not crying over my grandparents graves? My uncle's? Does it mean they didn't effect/affect me as much as she did? Is it just because she was lost to us at such a young age while the others had all lived such full lives? Was I just messed up in my head? Meh.
I never really reached any conclusions. I just know I still miss her and the world is worse off without her....