Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I'm So Very Tired...

Not physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I've been single parenting for a long time. I'm married, yes. However it would seem I'm the only one taking a hand in directing our child's growth and ... stuff. I'm so very tired.

I'm tired of being the one to fuss about Shecky picking up after himself. I'm tired of being the one helping with homework and cracking the whip so that he studies. I'm tired of being the one who deals with the defiance and lying. I'm tired of being the one that takes an interest in his day, correcting his behavioral problems, cheering on his accomplishments, spending the special time with him and being the hand of discipline and justice...

Wow. Re-reading what I wrote I realize how horrible that makes me sound, and how inaccurate it is. I AM tired of those things, but, there is a very important word missing from those sentences. Alone. I'm tired of being the only one responsible for these things and its beginning to overwhelm me and side track what I'm trying to do here at the lake.

I'm so busy with Shecky and making sure he's getting all I can give him and all he needs that I've completely lost my focus on why I'm here.

I came here to save my life. I came here to loose weight and get to where I can, physically, take care of my family, my home and myself without feeling like my heart was going to explode. I've lost 70 lbs. since July of 2007. That's a lot, I know, but I can't help but feel that it should be more. I should be less. Whatever.

I feel like I'm letting myself down. Hell, to be perfectly frank I'm letting everyone down. I can't be all things to Shecky. Even though I'm a big girl... that's not THAT much of me to go around.

I'm not eating the way I should. I've been cheating here and there... often without even really thinking about it or realizing it. I've been slacking a bit on the exercise. I've only been averaging 3 times a week lately. It's obviously not enough. My results would be far different if it was.

I'm letting down my parents who are letting me live here at no cost and who have spent over $10, 000.00 on things to make my weight loss easier and more comfortable.

The very worst part of all of this? I'm scared. I'm not sure I have it in me to make this work. I don't have a lot left in me. I'm stressed. I'm worn out. I've got no give left and I don't know how to fix it... which makes me even more exhausted...

I swear to God I'm trying guys. I'm just kinda... lost right now.


Angel said...

I have tried scanning older posts to get some background information.

So, are you staying someplace alone as in a sabbatical of sorts? Is your son with you?

Where is your hubs?

I'm just wondering so maybe I could help offer some advice. Believe me, I'm the queen of FAILING at soul searching. I'm in the middle of that myself.

I still think that losing 70 pounds in less than a year is FANTASTICAL and I congratulate you. I know you feel lost... and I'm sorry.

My advice, right now, is to find your happy place... is it sitting quietly reading a book? Is is taking a long bath? Is it simply driving in a car, alone listening to music? Whatever it is, do it... quiet your mind for awhile and just be...

zdoodlebub said...

I'm sorry for your frustration. I wish I had some magic words. I've thought for a long time that, even though you are doing what you need to do, that it must be so hard to do it under your parents' roof and without your partner. I'd have had a nervous breakdown months ago.

So I guess all I can say is that I don't blame you a bit for feeling the way you are feeling now. And it's probably good that you are expressing it. That's the best way to move through it. Out is through.

Also, by my estimation, the rate of your weight loss to date seems to be what all the experts say is the best way toward keeping it off for good. So there.