Summer Time, Summer Time, Sum-Sum-Summer Time

Today is Sheckys first day of Summer Vacation!

The last day of school a letter was sent home with all the kids. On the back, there was an essay by Robert Kelly-Goss of the N.Y. Times News Service. It made me weep... just a little. It made me realize... often, these days, kids are just miniature adults rather than carefree lil' kids.

It's Time Kids Did What Kids Do In Summer As We Used To ...

I want you to run wild and free through the streets of your neighborhood on a hot summer afternoon, tiring yourself so thoroughly that you can barely make it to the bed before you put pajamas on and brush your teeth.

I would like to see you stain the soles of your feet green and brown and cause your mother to shake her head as she scrubs so hard to get it off, but it won't until the first chill of autumn drives your shoes back on your feet.

I want you to show me what a fort looks like and just how you would build it.

I want you to rummage through scrap piles and find wonderfully odd pieces of wood and the like and build a fort, then I DARE you boys to keep the girls out; it won't work. I promise.

I want to see you, when you're tired, sitting int he shade of a giant tree, sipping lemonade poured from the stand you set up, leftover after you sold a few nickles' worth to a passerby.

I would like to see you and your friends on your bikes, towels slung over your shoulders, riding furiously to the local pool or the water hole.

I want to see you on your way back, pedaling a little slower, no worse for the wear, but rightly tired just the same.

I want to see you at bat imitating your favorite player, not at screen, seeing a virtual image of him as he plays a game you control with a joystick.

I want to see you find simple pleasures and joy from merely picking up a dandelion and blowing it into the sky. Watching those little feathery pieces float in the sunlight, your face lit up, ear to ear.

I want to see you give up the frustrations of a life inside, or on the cell phone, and head back out where the world is more than a text message or an e-mail to a friend.

It's where friends meet, or happen upon one another, and days are spent just doing whatever, imagining things and creating games so fanciful and imaginative that suddenly it's late, and your parents are worried, and you might be in for it now because you missed your curfew.

Dear child, I would like to see you jump in the puddles outside your house in the rain or even play a silly game of hide and seek.

I just want to see you, outside, playing, away from video games and computers and cellphones and televisions.

I want to see you having the kind of fun that can only happen because you're bored, and forced to create something out of nothing. That's what I would like for you, child, as summer nears.

He's been inside all day. He can't find anyone to play with outside. He hates playing alone. Meh. So far he's watched TV, played on the laptop, Played with the X-Box 360, watched MORE TV... sigh. I have no clue what to do with him. I want all those things FOR him... but I have no idea how to GIVE them to him when he abhors playing alone so much... and I can't do most of those things just yet.

Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

Yanno...

I'm just going to call this post things that are pissin' me off.

My son and his unshakable belief that if he argues with me he'll be able to change my mind.

My body and its penchant for causing me pain... lots of pain... and scaring the crap out of me.

My body again for bleeding in places it shouldn't be... and not giving me an explanation as to said fluid leakage.

My parents for acting like children when they deal with one another... and I DO NOT mean in a good way.

My bank for not giving me free money :P

That is all...

HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT HOLY SHIT HO-LEE SHEEEEEET!

My friends... I have just had confirmation that this whole journey is totally and completely NOT.... a waste of time.

Ijustdrovethemotherlovingcar!!!!!

Let me say that again for you...

I. JUST. DROVE. THE. MOTHER. LOVING. CAR!!!!!

I haven't been able to drive in 4 years folks. I haven't been able to fit behind the WHEEL in for years.

OHMYGOD!

I'm so incredibly stoked its unreal.

::Takes a deep breath::

If you've never been unable to drive yourself places for a long period of time let me explain.

It is, quite possibly, one of the worst feelings in your life to be totally dependant on others for transportation for you and your child. Being beholden to someone else's availability. Being unable to get away. Being unable to surprise those you love with gifts without their knowledge. Being able to go to the grocery store or take your kid out just the two of you... It's... demoralizing. It's depressing. It's ridiculously limiting.

To have it be an issue because of your size... is all of those things to the Nth degree.

I feel empowered and free'd suddenly....

Now, I just need a vehicle.... LOL

What's Red and Whiney and Dramatic All Over?

THAT, my friends, would be my 7 year old son, Shecky. Holy Hells! The boy made it home safely yesterday. In fact, he deemed it "The Best Day Of My Life!" However, he got one HECK of a sunburn.

This morning it was all winces, whines and wailing about how much it was STINGING! "Jesus Christ that stings!" was heard several times. After laughing privately in the bathroom, fussing at him for hollering "Jesus Christ!" and putting vinegar and vitamin E oil on his burn, the morning progressed normally.

He called his dad and was using the MOST pitiful voice in the HISTORY of pitiful voices. 5 minutes into the conversation I hear him say the following:

"Dad! Why aren't you asking me why I SOUND like THIS?"

I think I bit through my lip trying not to burst into spontaneous Mocking Mommy Laughter! Oh My Hells. That boy CAN bring the drama!

Eat Like a Bird or...

What NAMG is doing to loose weight THIS week.

OK... so... Weigh In Day was yesterday. I lost another 3.5 lbs this week! WOOT. I'm rocking the calorie counting!

I'm existing on 1200 to 1600 calories. It all kind of depends on how hungry I am.

A typical food day follows:

Breakfast:

2 Eggs, fried in non-stick spray oil - 140 Calories
2 slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread, toasted- 110 Calories
1 Cuppa Coffee - 0 Calories

Lunch:

2 FF Hot Dogs - 80 Calories
2 Slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread - 110 Calories
No calorie Mayo (It is real! Check it out!)
Mustard
Catsup
Fresca

Snack:

1 Pkg Reduced Fat Peanut Butter Crackers - 180 Calories

Dinner:

2 Artichoke and Spinach Alfredo Stuffed Chicken Breasts - 480 Calories
1 Cup Baked Beans - 240 Calories
Fresca

Total Calories for the Day: 1340

I'm not feeling deprived. I'm not STARVING, but, I am a bit hungry by the end of the day. It's working well for now, so, onward I go!!!!

Side Note: Shecky is on a field trip today... At a water park. I'm a nervous, fricking wreck!

Weight Loss Walk and Shecky Cuteness

Hey folks. I'm still eating 1200-1600 calories a day. Last week I managed to loose 7.7 lbs. I'm not hungry much. I get a little hungry toward the end of the day but that's it. Definitely not starving.

The exercise pool is out of commission. The pump/heater unit is fried. We've mailed it off. It should reach its destination Monday... ish. God knows when we'll get it back.

Currently I'm walking for exercise. I make the block several times a day. I'm aiming for 5 a day but I haven't made it past 4. The lil hill at the end of my walk KILLS me. I mean like... heart thumping outta my chest OMGICAN'TBREATHE gasping for air KILLS me.

But... I kinda like it. It reminds me why I'm doing this.

Conversation with Shecky day before yesterday:

Sheck: Momma! Guess what "Fall" does to make me do stuff SHE doesn't wanna do?

Me: ??? What ???

Sheck: She gives me PUPPY DOG EYES and LIPS!!!!!

Me: (trying desperately not to crack up) Does it work?

Sheck: Well.. .(Thoughtful silence from him) She's REALLY cute when she does it!

Me: (Loosing my shit) ::FacePalm::

God... it starts EARLY.

WOAH! Mah Keed Ees Ah Suuuupah Jean-ee-ous!!!

Shecky's 4 person team WON THE SCIENCE FAIR!!!! Holy...

Their prize? Monday the school is taking all the winners to a Water Park...

Oh... and there was some sort of trophy... and a certificate. lol.

Kids are so blase sometimes! Congrats Sheck!

I just wish I know what the heck the project WAS. I still dun unnerstand it!!!!

This Is What I've Been Doing With Myself...

Lemme know what y'all think.

To All The Mom's...

Out there who invest their lives in raising their kids... I salute you.

Who work and still manage to maintain a loving and nurturing home... I salute you.

Who stay home raising their children and making that their life's work... I salute you.

Who are there for their adult children when they are in need of a helping hand... I salute you.

Who spend their day's looking after, teaching and helping other's children... I salute you.

Who have adopted or fostered children in need... I salute you.

To My Mom--

Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for everything you put up with. Thank you for being there when I felt all alone. Thank you for giving me the room to become my own person... even when you didn't agree with who that person was. Thank you for everything.

I love you--

Tessa

I Think I've Reached My Limit....

TOO. MUCH. STRESS.

Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.

In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.

Shit.

Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.

God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.

I Am So Over...

American Idol.

Jason Castro was totally eviscerated in the last few weeks of this "Reality TV Show". HATE.

What was once a show purported to be about kids getting a shot at their dream carreer in music has disintegrated into a show about cruel comments to kids living in a pressure cooker. It's just no longer fun to watch.

I am sad. I used to love this show. I used to be pissed that it didn't start until AFTER I was above the age cap. Meh. Done with it. THIS is what they threw away....

!#@$!#$^(!@# !@#&?~^@%*?6

I gained 11 lbs. In a WEEK. So. NOT. HAPPY.

I felt stuffed all day yesterday and only managed to eat 2200 calories. Bleh. Hate.

I'm considering dropping to 1600 calories a day. Not sure though. Damn. I need a magic bullet.

They Call Me... Dr. Looooooove

Hello my friends! I had a pretty good weekend despite sleeping on a love seat for 2 nights, not eating much and ummm... forgetting to pack my underwear. (Yes. I AM an idiot. Why do you ask?)

Husband retired. I spent some time with the in laws which was... nice. A little nerve wracking because we had too damn many people in a teeny tiny house. (6 adults, 1 very active child and 2 dogs... one of which could qualify as a small horse.)

I visited with my doctor Friday. She was still very pleased with my progress. 80 lbs in 9 months. She was a little concerned about my recent caloric intake. She has put me on 2500 calories a day... I was like... Yer KIDDING me, right? She was all... no... not really.

We also discussed surgical options again. Sigh. We had a long talk about it and I basically told her the idea of it just freaks me right. the. frick. out! It gives me the heebie jeebies and premonitions of DOOOOOOOOOOM. (Cause I'm a pansy like that.) Also that my heal rate is really slow and infection rate is really high and that it took me 5 MONTHS to heal from my C-section when I had Shecky and that was just one lil ole incision and not massive internal re-arranging... and... just. NO.

She laughed and said... "Ok then. No on the surgery." Thank GOD I amuse her so much. LOL. Otherwise, she'd just think I was a crackpot... though... she DID double my Zoloft. (PMDD... GOD it's a bitch!)

So, today I started 2500 calories. I managed to scarf down 652 calories for breakfast. HOLY HELL! That's almost as much as I ate in a frickin' day! I had:

1 Biscuit
1 Sausage Patty
1 slice of 2% American Cheese
1 C. of 2% Milk
1 Medium Sized Orange

That my friends... equals 652 calories. It's really not all THAT much food. It's the whole what you eat vs. how much you eat. Whew. I have no CLUE what I'm going to have for lunch. Mebbe a can of soup and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich. It's raining and damp and kinda chilly today. That sounds kinda good to me. I'm not at all sure how many calories it is though.

Whew. I'm talky today. If you're interested come back tonight and I'll have another post for you about Shecky and how he's driving me insane. Heh.

Happy Sink-o Da My-o. (I can't speel in Spaneesh.)

On The Road Again...

I'm going to Houston this afternoon. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. Gonna have a diabetes check and talk to my doc about my weight loss efforts.

Then its on to Fort Worth for Husband's retirement party. Then... back home to the lake Sunday night. Late.

In other news... MySpace (Yes... I have a page :P) has a Karaoke Page. It's WAAAAAY cool. You can record yourself singing and then post it on your page... or not. I did! Anyone interested in listening to it can go here:

My MySpace Page

If you listen.. please... give me some feedback either here or there. I'm nervous about having it up there and want to know if I should leave it or take it down.