Take Two

Tonight ... I weighed. That same frickin' 5 lbs is back. I didn't much feel like talking on the phone tonight. (Sorry Mom) I waited a while before I wrote out my post. I wanted to review my food diary, only, there wasn't much to review. I was really lax about writing my food down this week. I have no doubt that's what part of those 5 lbs. is from. That got me to thinking about what ELSE I hadn't done this week. I didn't take my medicine the way I was supposed to. My diuretic can't work if I don't TAKE it. My sugars won't stay level if I forget my shot and if I don't take my Reglan before I eat. Yeah. Not a good week at all.

Upon realizing all this I got really angry at myself. I know its no ones fault but my own. No one's responsibility but mine. Why am I sabotaging myself? Why do I keep undermining my efforts to loose all this damned bulk?

The really sad part is that this is a behavioral pattern with me. I get all revved up and ready to loose the weight and then ... it just sort of... dissipates. Why? R. told me he KNEW this was going to happen when my weight loss started so slow. He could see the frustrations building and the irritation growing and saw the "F*ck it" coming from miles away. Like I said, its a pattern.

Now I just have to figure out how to FIX it.

I started fresh tonight. I wrote all my food down that I ate today.

Breakfast:

2 Packets of instant oatmeal 2 points
1 C 2% Milk 3 points

Snack:

2 T Peanut butter 4 pts
2 slices Bread 2 pts
1 sliced Banana 2 pts

Late Lunch:

1 Can Light Vienna Sausages 6 pts

Dinner:

2 Talipia Fish Fillets 12 pts
Encrusted with Tortilla,
Lime and Chipotle
1 C Green Beans 0 pts
1 C Asparagus 0 pts
1 Philly Swirl Pop 1 pt

Snack:

1 apple 1 pt

Total: 33 pts

I want to stay between 34 and 39 points per day. Before bed I'll eat 1 slice of 2% milk cheese for my last point toward 34 and I'll be done for the day.

I don't know any other way to do this. I'm going to post what I eat daily on here for a while along with my thoughts and moods from during the day. Maybe I can find more even ground if I put it all out here.

I seem to have lost sight of why I started this blog. I really should go buy a gun sight, eh?