Monday, June 18, 2007

Mirror, Mirror

I know I've already posted today, but, I need to get this off my chest. A couple of months ago R. ran into an old friend of ours from when we lived in West Texas. I adore her. I adore her son. She helped with the flowers and the cake for our wedding. I used to babysit her son. We lived across the street from one another when we were living on a military base. She's a dear, dear friend. I love being back in touch with her.

However, she wants to get together with me and I'm balking every time she suggests it. She hasn't seen me in years. I was a large lady when she knew me but I'm much larger now. I'm embarrassed for her to see me. I hate myself for that but I'm not sure how to overcome it. Her son, who is now 15 God help me, wants to see me too. He has fond memories of R. and I which is good. I loved the kid like he was my own. I don't want to ruin those good memories or feelings for him by letting him see what I am now. I don't want her feeling repulsed by me, much like I am on the rare occasions I see my reflection.

I know it sounds like I'm throwing myself a pity party. Unfortunately, these are my real feelings and fears. I know many will say, "Then DO something about it." It's not that simple or easy. I wish to God it was. If it WAS, I'd be thin or at least average. I've tried.

I'm gearing up to try again. I have a plan and hopefully all the pieces will fall into place in the next week or so and I'll let you all in on it. :) God... please, let me get it right this time.


Katie said...

hi there, just dropping by to say good luck with your plan, girl!

Robin said...

I can't tell you how many times I've said that very same thing about myself when in the same position or when I'm in a position to meet someone I've spoken to by phone or online for the first time. You are so right when you said it's not so easy to just DO something about it. I've been trying to get rid of this horrible belly for years! It really frustrates me to the point that I end up asking God to help me finally find the one thing that truly works and gets this weight off for good! I'm still waiting for the answer to that one. lol

Rachelle said...

Boy, can I relate! I just went through this with my hubby's family- all Barbie's with 7 children each....
But I did it, and not one of them looked askance at me, they just hugged me.

Here's what I learned after I lost my best friend two years ago. Hug everyone you love as often as possible. Have pictures taken of you whether you want to or not, and go see people. If they really love you, they don't care what you look like.
Don't put it off till tomorrow, they might not be here.

Oh, The Joys said...

Any chance you can tell her the truth on the phone - why you're afraid to see her - and then let her response tell your heart if it is o.k. or not?

choc mint girl said...

You're right, many people will say do something about it, but in a way these people are giving you mental support. Take it as a motivation and start doing something, you'll get used to it. You could either try harder or maybe just be yourself. All the best!!!