Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Mental Meanderings...

I had an interesting conversation with my brother yesterday. He tried to call me over the weekend to see how I was. He reached me at our folks place and we talked a bit of politics, my health, his health... the usual. It was great to hear from him and to know he cared enough to check in on me. However, yesterday he confessed the reason he had the urge to call me. He had a stray thought, well more like scenario, play through his head and it wigged him out a bit and made him very worried about me.

He envisioned my death and the aftermath of it. Apparently, in his mind's play, I had died and rather than having my casket wheeled about on a gurney Dad decided they would carry me. This is no small feat considering my size. As a result of my weight, they had to have a casket made out of a special lightweight material that... apparently... wasn't strong enough to hold me. My body came tumbling out of the bottom of the casket and fell to the ground.

I laughed when he told me. Just because, due to the absurdity of the situation, I could actually SEE that happening. He, however, didn't see the humor. He kept saying its NOT FUNNY and commenting on how worried he was about my health.

He made me stop and think last night. Its nice to know he's concerned about me. That my state of being affects him. It sucks that he has a reason to worry. I hate that my health and my weight have reached a critical point that causes such worry in the people I love.

::Grabbing Boot Straps:: So... I go... once again, into the fray. The doctor has the paperwork for short term disability. We'll see if it gets approved. If its NOT approved, I'll apply for a personal leave of absence and go to my folks for the summer. I'll exercise in the lake and I will help Mom cook meals that are healthier and I will count points until I'm blue in the face and I WILL loose some of this fricking weight. I don't want my parents, my brother, my husband, my friends or my CHILD to have to worry about my keeling over. Sometimes I loose sight of the fact that what happens to me effects those around me.

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