Friday, February 1, 2008

Fed Up Friday

Over at Suzanne Says... she has a feature called "Fed Up Friday". The point of it is to blog about whatever has been On. Your. Last. Nerve. for the last week. She's invited the rest of the Blogaverse to join in with her and vent, vent, vent! I LOVE this idea and I'm going to adopt it. Friday's 'round these here parts are for venting. Me venting. YOU venting in comments. Just a veritable Vent-o-rama! Heh.

I'm So Tired...

of feeling helpless. I HATE it. I've gotten into this mindset that I can't control anything. My weight and health problems, the lonliness I've been feeling, Shecky's whineyness, Unca B's health problems, all of it is just beyond my abilities these days. I'm sick of throwing my hands in the air with frustration because I feel overwhelmed. I'm just... so... OVER it.

Even more though, I'm over the NEED to control everything. I know that some of it is, really, within my ability to control. The weight and Shecky's Wine and Cheese Fest in particular. My health problems will dissipate as the weight goes down.

The feeling so lonely though... yeah... I got nothin'. I talk to J and Husband daily. I live with my parents who love me and my son who is the light of my life. Yet, so much of the time I feel... empty. I don't mean devoid of emotion but more like... needy. Needing affection. It bugs the crap out of me that I NEED that so very much. I do though. I NEED the cuddles, the gentle touches all that shit or I start feeling helpless and worthless and just... undeserving of anything positive or good. WTF IS THAT ABOUT?

A better question is how do I keep the lack of those things from pulling me down into this morass of meh?


Suzanne said...

Hey! Thanks for joining Fed Up Friday! And for helping to spread the word...I really appreciate it.

Now, as for your post today:

First - Here's a BIG hug!

Second - I don't know if I can explain this well enough for you to get what I'm talking about, but I'm gonna try. Here goes...

I, too, found myself in desperate need of overt affection - hugs, cuddles, gentle touches - and like you, thought there wasn't enough of that in my life.

Now I'm not saying you're doing this, too, but I finally figured out that I was requiring those things to come from a specific person or in specific situations. I didn't have a Significant Other, (but wanted one,) so because I didn't have an S.O. doing any of that stuff with/for me, I concluded that I just was doing without. Then my daughter told me I wasn't "nice" anymore because I don't snuggle her as much as I used to.

BLAM! Right between the eyes! I realized that all of that stuff I wanted was available to me if I loosened up the rules on where I required it to come from and just accepted it from wherever it came.

Nowadays, I'm happy to tell you that I enjoy snuggling and cuddling with her because I was brave enough to tell her, "Hey - Mommy needs a snuggle session. Can you help me?" And I get all kinds of great hugs from Second Son (14) - all I have to do is ask, "Hey - can I have a hug?" 99.9% of the time, I get one, and willingly, without a bunch of eye rolling on his part. And now, he's even starting to come to me offering them on a regular basis, all because I made it known Mom needed affection, too.

So, all I'm saying is maybe you could alleviate some of that longing you have by looking for all the possible ways you're already receiving what you need outside of how you expect it to come to you. Am I making any sense here? I hope so, because it's really helped me and I hope I'm passing in on here. :)

Thanks again for joining me, and hang in there, girl.

flutter said...

You know, once I realized I can't control everything is when it all started falling into place.