Paaaar-tay!!!!

The weekend is upon us! YEAH! Tomorrow we pick up Unca B, Sheky's godfather, from the airport and head to the lake. Unca B's parents are meeting us there as well. Saturday is the party, PLEASE don't let it rain! Everything we have planned is OUTSIDE. Sunday Unca B and his folks will leave us, R will go back home, and Sheky and I will remain at the lake.

Monday I start my program for weight loss and exercise. July 14th I have a seminar with Dr. Naaman about the gastric bypass surgery and we'll move forward from there.

I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!

My Heart Breaks

Note: No matter what you may think of professional wrestling these men and women are athletes and are skilled in many areas such as athleticism, theater, stunt work and charisma. I have friends and acquaintances inside the business and have learned a lot of things about it and the people involved in it. Regardless of your opinions of the genre of entertainment I expect this subject and these lives to be treated with respect and dignity in my comments section.

Chris Benoit, a celebrated wrestler for WWE, his wife Nancy and their 7 year old son are all dead. The police are investigating this as a double murder-suicide and the information making the rounds is that it was at the hands of Chris Benoit... and that the circumstances are bizarre.

I was a fan of Chris Benoit. His work ethic, the fact that he gave his all in the ring and the fact that his matches were always a thing of beauty and skill earned my respect and admiration. Everything I know about him shows that he lived a life of dignity, humility and quiet reserve. I cannot wrap my mind around what has happened or how they are saying it occurred. As a fan of wrestling, and of the personality involved I am devastated and confused.

However, as a parent, I hurt for all of them. His son was 7 years old. My son is just a few days shy of that milestone himself. I cannot fathom harming him or his father much less causing their demise.

I keep reading and thinking about the information I have. I'm not willing to put all of it out here as I have nothing to prove much of it. I've considered it and I can't bring myself to do it. Part of it is because sullying the memory of Chris Benoit's career by spreading the information around makes me feel... dirty. Part of it is because I don't have all the facts. Part of it is because I don't want to believe it. As the mother of an almost 7 year old boy I CAN'T believe that someone could do that to their child, out of the blue, with no warning or signs that something was wrong. Yet, I hear about things every day that show that to be untrue.

I have to wonder what tortured him so that he felt this was the only course of action, to kill his wife and child. Was the first one an accident? The second done after realizing what he had done and, as a result, having a psychotic break? Did he then kill himself out of the abject terror, sorrow and guilt? Did he just flat out snap? If he did, why was it done the way it was? None of it makes sense. None of it, intellectually, adds up. It does make me think. It makes me think about the importance of knowing yourself and seeking help when its necessary and the importance of loving my family and friends with everything I have and holding them close.

No matter what happened. No matter what the circumstances. I hope all 3 of them rest peacefully.

APPROVED!!!!!

YES! I turned in my FMLA paperwork today to HR... I'm approved for full time FMLA starting 06-27-2007, the day after tomorrow. When I go to the lake for Sheky's birthday party this weekend I'll be staying and starting my

work on THE PLAN.

I'll be exercising in the water twice a day 30-minutes per session. At first, it will mostly consist of treading water and just moving around a lot. Once my body is more used to the increased activity I'll start doing actual exercises like water aerobics. Several times a day I'm going to take a "walk". It'll be short at first. Probably down the the pavilion and back or maybe down to the pavilion, once around it and back depending on how the lungs are doing. I'll gradually increase that as well.

Food wise I'll basically be doing WW Core Plan. I've already cut sodas. I'll be cutting tea out as well next week. Also, next week I'll be dropping Complex Carbohydrates out of my diet. No crackers, chips, bread, or pasta for this girl. I'll allow a little rice and potato a couple of times a week. I'll be eating mostly protein and fruit and veggies.

While I'm doing all that, I'll be pursuing the gastric bypass track. I have two surgeons I'm going to meet with. I'll choose between them and then start the testing necessary to qualify for insurance to cover it. Hopefully it won't take TOO long.

Queen for a Day... Fool for Life

I... am... QUEEN of the gift giving!

Shecky turns 7 on the 4th of July. I was WRACKING my brain trying to decide on a birthday gift for him. First, I was thinking Heelies. Then I priced 'em. HOLY HELL people. They want $70.00 for a pair on SNEAKERS... with a wheel... in the heel! Rolling sneakers that Sheky would outgrow in like, 3-6 months. (Yes, I know. Its longer than Paris Hilton would have spent in jail and far less traumatic but STILL!!!!!)

I then considered ending the moratorium I had on video games for this birthday. He's far too dependant on them for his entertainment but I KNOW there's several new ones that he wants. I just couldn't bring myself to do it though. He really needs to spend this summer OUTSIDE playing. Running around and being a Lil kid... not staring at the TV playing video games and practicing his smack talkin' abilities at the pixilated characters.

Then... THEN... I came up with THE gift. I was on AIM talking to my best friend who is not coincidentally Sheky's godfather, Unca B. My child ADORES this man and hasn't seen him for about 2 years. We all used to live in the same town together, heck for a while we lived in the same HOUSE. Now Unca B lives in North Carolina. I convinced Unca B to fly in for Sheky's birthday party this coming Saturday. I'm splitting the cost of the ticket with him and that, THAT my friends is going to be Sheky's present.

Now, if he's not as excited as I expect he will be when he sees his Unca B... Imma cry...

Blank...

That's how my brain is today. I'm sitting here, answering calls, giving the same answers over and over and over and over until I think my brain is going to just ooze out of my ears. This job is mind numbing. The people I deal with on the phone are either highly education and don't think they could have POSSIBLY made a mistake, or very uneducated and don't understand how the plan works for them... or doesn't work for them.

I try to be respectful and friendly to all the callers. I try to be upbeat and personable and put a smile into my voice. Today... that's not happening very easily. The respect and the friendliness and the smile have to go both ways for it not to beat you down and trample you into the ground. I'm tired. I feel like I've been beaten with a bat by Babe Ruth. I'm... underwhelmed.

My GOD I'm whiny. I actually have a very good employer. They are very tolerant of my health issues and are very supportive in a lot of ways. I like helping people on a daily basis. I have a beautiful son, a loving husband and good friends. So, my question is... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST POINTLESS??? Why does nothing seem worth the effort? Why, once everyone is asleep, do I cry until I finally fall asleep from exhaustion? How do I fix these things?

Daily Dose of Mental Meanderings

Wow! What an odd couple of days I've had. I went to the seminar for the Gastric Bypass Tuesday night. Unfortunately, the surgeon was called into emergency surgery and was unable to do the presentation. Standing in for him was the program director at the hospital. She wasn't terribly familiar with his slides and the presentation was a bit of a mess. It wasn't TERRIBLY inspiring in the "putting my life in their hands" kind of way, lemme tell you. It made me really apprehensive about their program. Yet... at the same time... it shows that they do everything they can to "make it work" and that's comforting. There's another surgeon here in Houston that I'm considering. I need to find out of the insurance covers him and the hospital he does the surgery at first though. That's part of Friday's project. I'm still excited about the prospects but it did give me a bump back to reality that's for sure.

Yesterday was kind of a ... meh... day. Work was PAINFULLY slow and normally I would have posted something on ye olde blog o' goodness but... well... I really didn't have anything to say as I was feeling completely meh...

Today is much the same. Slow here at work, not much to say. I do however want to share one more thing with you. The words to Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. It pretty well sums up my love/hate relationship with myself and with food. (Metaphorically speaking)

Addicted:

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

Have you ever been in a holding pattern?

It seems like MY life is one big holding pattern right now. I get up, I go to work, I come home, I'm exhausted, I fart around the house for a while watching TV or whatever, I go to bed, I sleep. It starts over. Nothing changes. Nothing is new. Nothing excites me or grabs my attention.

I know, a big part of this is because I AM just... waiting for now. I turned in the paperwork to my doctor today. Hopefully very, very soon I'll know if I'm approved for medical leave. Then I'll get my things together and go to my folks place at the lake. There I will exercise in the water twice a day (once AM once PM), walk short distances three to four times a day, eat 34 WW points worth of food and try desperately to get my health and my life back on track.

I'm excited and I'm scared. I'm hopeful and skeptical. The waiting... Oy Vey... its KILLING me. See, before I was born, when they were passing out personality traits in Heaven, I thought when they said Patience they meant PATIENTS, like, in a hospital and I HID... sigh.

::bounces in chair:: C'MON!

Mirror, Mirror

I know I've already posted today, but, I need to get this off my chest. A couple of months ago R. ran into an old friend of ours from when we lived in West Texas. I adore her. I adore her son. She helped with the flowers and the cake for our wedding. I used to babysit her son. We lived across the street from one another when we were living on a military base. She's a dear, dear friend. I love being back in touch with her.

However, she wants to get together with me and I'm balking every time she suggests it. She hasn't seen me in years. I was a large lady when she knew me but I'm much larger now. I'm embarrassed for her to see me. I hate myself for that but I'm not sure how to overcome it. Her son, who is now 15 God help me, wants to see me too. He has fond memories of R. and I which is good. I loved the kid like he was my own. I don't want to ruin those good memories or feelings for him by letting him see what I am now. I don't want her feeling repulsed by me, much like I am on the rare occasions I see my reflection.

I know it sounds like I'm throwing myself a pity party. Unfortunately, these are my real feelings and fears. I know many will say, "Then DO something about it." It's not that simple or easy. I wish to God it was. If it WAS, I'd be thin or at least average. I've tried.

I'm gearing up to try again. I have a plan and hopefully all the pieces will fall into place in the next week or so and I'll let you all in on it. :) God... please, let me get it right this time.

The Golden Compass... A Squee-worthy Adventure?

I have to tell on myself. I was a huge goober this weekend. We downloaded a bunch of movie trailers on the XBOX 360 (Geeks I tell you! We're all a buncha Geeks!). There was the new Die Hard installment, the new Harry Potter venture, and one called The Golden Compass. The last one was a movie I hadn't heard ANYTHING about so I was interested in it. As the trailer played I was busily trying to figure out who one of the lead actors was when ALL OF A SUDDEN, Sam Elliott showed up on the screen... and I squee'd... OUT LOUD... REALLY loudly... and then IMMEDIATELY slapped my hands over my mouth out of complete and total embarrassment at having done so. Apparently, I am a fan girlie... who knew? heh

P.S. I do have to say... NO ONE can make my... errr.. nether regions quiver like that man... I dunno WHY he's just... sigh... dreeeeeeeeeeamy... Squee!!!

My Saturday

OMG I was without the internet! No Cable! No ANYTHING! I was SUPPOSED to go out of town this weekend but we had car trouble. Shecky was really upset that I wasn't going to the lake to see him. He's missin' his momma (Yeah! hehe) even though he's having a blast! THEN I lost my cable and internet to an ugly thunderstorm.... Yeah I slept a LOT yesterday! Heh. Hope you all are having a better weekend.

Who Else DOES This?

I love to cook. Unfortunately, I haven't be able to really COOK in a long while. My size and the fact that by the time I get home I have absolutely NOTHING left in me energy-wise (which really, unfortunately, goes back to the whole size thing) yet I LOVE to read cooking blogs. I've even gotten to where I'm bookmarking recipes that sound good, knowing full well I'll won't make them for a very long time.

I miss cooking for my family. I used to LOVE to cook. I was the QUEEN of making a dish out of whatever was left in my pantry at the end of a payday AND making it taste GOOD. I messed around with recipe's changing this and tweaking that... ALWAYS increasing the spices or changing them.

Checking out the cooking blogs inspires me and re-ignites my desire to cook and create in the kitchen. It doesn't hurt that Top Chef and the Next Food Network Star are both on TV with new seasons either.

Hopefully, soon, within the next year or so, I'll be able to start cooking again. Who knows, I may even go out and sing in public a time or two... ::Shudder:: Okay... that's just crazy talk!

Help! Am I One of THOSE Moms??

I read, all the time, about the competi-mom's. I hear about the extreme birthday parties and the extreme cost of those parties. I realized today... I may be one of those mommies.

Shecky turns 7 on July 4th. We are going to have his birthday party at my parents place at the lake. We're going to invite all the kids that are there for the summer and basically everyone ELSE as well. There will be cake, hot dogs, chili and chips. Sack races in the sand, a treasure hunt and frog flinging will be the games for the kids. There will be prizes for the winners. The kids will have a chance to beat the stuffing out of a pinata filled with candy and gum. I'm supplying water guns for all the kids and the "goodie bags" will be toys to play in the sand (a plastic pail, rake, scoop and shovel).

So far this party is costing me $130.00. That may not sound like much but that's just for the games, pinata, pinata guts, treasure chest and toys. That's not the food, decorations, prizes or the gift for my child.

Mom keeps telling me to keep it low key and not worry so much about it. She tells this to her daughter that planned a YOOGE BBQ for the child's FIRST birthday. He's had parties over the years at Putt-Putt, Parks, a gymnastics club... One year, I had specially wrapped Hershey Bars made. They had Spiderman on them with Happy 4th Birthday on it. The bar code was his dob. I mean... COME ON! That was WAY cool.

The thing is, I don't do these things to compete with anyone else's party or even to out do the party thrown the year before. Its actually a much simpler reason. I want my son to look back on his birthday parties and remember what a great time it was. I want him to think back on them and know just how much he was/is loved and that his birthday was/is an event to be CELEBRATED and a day to make noise because its the day we were first blessed with his presence. Our journey to get him here was rocky at best. These parties are just my way of celebrating him and the joy he brings me. Is that wrong?

My Child Has Lost His Mind

I have to share this. Shecky isn't even HERE and he's cracking my shit up! I was just on the phone with Mom. We were talking about Father's Day and what Dad needs etc. Suddenly, I hear my child's voice over a walkee talkee. I can't really understand what he's saying but then I hear Sparky's voice saying that Shecky was trying to "Change the channel". Now, I'm completely confused at this point. I was like... "The Hell?" Mom provided the following explanation:

Three of the kids have walkee talkee's. Shecky, Sparky and one of the other kids they've been playing with. They all use them to talk to their parents/guardians up at the lake and let them know what they are doing or where they are going. Its a neat little system really. Each child and corresponding guardian is on a specific channel 1, 2 or 3. (It makes sense. This way there is no cross talk or confusion as to which child is doing what.) However, the kids want to be on the same channel to talk to one another.

Now, being the top notch problem solver that I am, I commented that there should be more than 3 channels. Why don't they use one of the others to talk to each other on. Mom confirmed that there are like 8 channels. I, once again, asked why not use one of the others and this was her reply...


"They could but... they're all riding around together on the same golf cart."

I... have... no... words. Well, except, "The HELL?" LOL

Phone Ettiquite

OH MY GOD! I'm going to rant a bit here about people that call Customer Service Centers. If you do any of the things I'm complaining about please, please, for the love of all that is holy and helpful, consider what I'm saying and think about it from the other end of the conversation before you call again.

We hate it when people call unprepared. You know that when you call about an insurance policy or a warranty that you will need certain information when you call. Your name, phone number and oh.... maybe, just MAYBE your POLICY NUMBER. Now, if you are calling to GET said policy number we understand. Really we do. If you are NOT calling to get that policy number please have it ready when you call. Yes, we realize you've probably been multitasking due to the hella long wait to get a real live person. However, that wait is, at least in part, due to the OTHER 25 people we've just spoken with who didn't have their initial information ready for us either. Help others, help yourself, yanno?

Speaking of the unholy waiting you may have to do when you call, yes, we know its irritating. We know its inconvenient and believe me we are freaking out on our end that there's a call that's been holding for 15 minutes. However, yelling at us about it once you get through to us is NOT going to fix the problem you're having. In fact, its going to keep you on the phone even LONGER without resolution because you still haven't told us what the problem IS. We know the frustration you're feeling and we want to help you, so let us help you.

Finally, we know its difficult to believe, but many CSR's actually DO care about your problem and want to help you. A lot of us are in this field because it gives us a sense of doing something that matters to someone. A sense of satisfaction that we've made a difference to someone, even if its a small one. Don't assume we don't have a heart and that we're going to take the easy solution even if it doesn't really fix the problem. Explain the situation to us fully, yet succinctly. Make sure we have all the NECESSARY information to identify the problem and find the correct solution for you. Have the PATIENCE necessary for us to handle your problem in a complete manner.

Often times CSR's don't have the authority to fix your problem without running it by someone else or getting approval from someone above them. Don't get snippy with us if we have to pass your call to someone else or if we have to put you on hold to get the situation fixed. Know that we are doing all we can for you and sometimes that means a little extra time on the phone so we can be SURE its completely taken care of for you.

One FINAL suggestion. When you know you're completely fed up and you KNOW you're going to blow your stack at the poor, underpaid CSR on the other end of the phone, do what I do.

"I'd like to speak with a supervisor. They don't pay you enough to put up with what I'm about to be throwin' down."

Works like a charm... every time. :D

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I got sick of all that bright pink. Someone should have TOLD me how annoying that was!!!! Heh. New mascot... new layout... new color palette... lemme know what ya think!

Empty Nesting

Shecky has been gone, visiting the grandparents, for a week... and I miss him horribly. I talk to him every day, several times a day, and his lil' voice on the other end of the line just hurts me. Don't get me wrong, he's having a BLAST and I'm glad for him and I'm grateful for the opportunity for him to be there running around like a wild Indian and just being a kid. It's fantastic to hear him tell me about how many times he went swimming that day and how long he rode his 4-wheeler, who he played with and what silly things he and his grandparents have done. I HATE talking to him at night, close to his bedtime. He's sleepy. Heck, he's completely worn out. That's when he says things like, "I'm sad. I wish you and Daddy were here every day with me." That's when he misses us. That's when my heart hurts. I'm going to see him this weekend. J is gonna take me up there. R has to work all weekend and can't go. He won't get to be with him on Father's Day. While I'm there we'll make him a card that I'll bring home to him, but it won't be the same.

How do the rest of you handle summers? Do you send your kids to camp? Do they make extended visits to grandparents? Do they go to daycare? How do you deal with the emptiness their absence causes? How do you make them feel better about being apart? Lemme hear from you.

The Ball, She is A-Rollin'

Well, I've started the foot/paper work involved in having the Gastric Bypass Surgery. My PCP referred me to a Dr. Dexter G. Turnquest. I've e-mailed his office requesting information and a consult.

I'm still going to my folks place by hook or by crook to work out in the water and take care of myself in other ways. I just want to get this started and get the consult out of the way before I go. Its very likely I'll have to do another medically supervised diet before my insurance will approve me for the surgery but I'll do whatever I have to to make this work. (When I say THIS I mean weight loss not just the surgery.) Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Mental Meanderings...

I had an interesting conversation with my brother yesterday. He tried to call me over the weekend to see how I was. He reached me at our folks place and we talked a bit of politics, my health, his health... the usual. It was great to hear from him and to know he cared enough to check in on me. However, yesterday he confessed the reason he had the urge to call me. He had a stray thought, well more like scenario, play through his head and it wigged him out a bit and made him very worried about me.

He envisioned my death and the aftermath of it. Apparently, in his mind's play, I had died and rather than having my casket wheeled about on a gurney Dad decided they would carry me. This is no small feat considering my size. As a result of my weight, they had to have a casket made out of a special lightweight material that... apparently... wasn't strong enough to hold me. My body came tumbling out of the bottom of the casket and fell to the ground.

I laughed when he told me. Just because, due to the absurdity of the situation, I could actually SEE that happening. He, however, didn't see the humor. He kept saying its NOT FUNNY and commenting on how worried he was about my health.

He made me stop and think last night. Its nice to know he's concerned about me. That my state of being affects him. It sucks that he has a reason to worry. I hate that my health and my weight have reached a critical point that causes such worry in the people I love.

::Grabbing Boot Straps:: So... I go... once again, into the fray. The doctor has the paperwork for short term disability. We'll see if it gets approved. If its NOT approved, I'll apply for a personal leave of absence and go to my folks for the summer. I'll exercise in the lake and I will help Mom cook meals that are healthier and I will count points until I'm blue in the face and I WILL loose some of this fricking weight. I don't want my parents, my brother, my husband, my friends or my CHILD to have to worry about my keeling over. Sometimes I loose sight of the fact that what happens to me effects those around me.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I dropped Shecky off at my parents for 4-6 weeks of fun at the lake and bein spoiled at the grandparents. My phone rang a short time ago and THIS... THIS is the conversation I just had:

Shecky: Momma... can grandpa give me a Mohawk?
Me: ::laughing:: Sure honey
Shecky: SHE SAID YES GRANDPA!
Grandpa (in the background): She has to tell ME yes.
Grandpa (on the phone with me now): So... can I give him a Mohawk???
Me: Dead Silence for a moment
Me: Oh what the hell... it'll grow out before school starts.....
Grandpa: REALLY? (HAPPILY I may add lol)
Me: Sure... Go for it
Shecky: (Whooping and hollering) I LOVE YOU MAMA!
::Click::

OMG... what have I done???

Update: Shecky opted NOT to have the Mohawk. I guess he decided that if it was OK with Momma it can't be NEARLY as cool as he thought it was lol.