Monday, August 6, 2007

Looking Into the Mouth of ...

Living with my parents as an adult is... odd.

I am an independent thinker. I'm NOT shy about expressing my views. I take NO shit from anyone... and yet... around my parents I turn back into that awkward child/teen that I was.

Let me explain. My father is a very... forceful personality. He likes to bellow and create drama anytime ANYTHING doesn't go the way he wanted or expected it to. (Boudain links not being defrosted when he wanted to grill ... Holy Hell... it was an explosion of temper like you've never seen) He's ALWAYS right. Its NEVER his fault. He's loving. He's fun loving. He's intelligent. He's a hard worker.

This is my father. He's been like that my entire life. I love him with the intensity of a thousand suns. When he gets angry he gets... irrational. Frighteningly so. My father is a man of reason, a man of science. Yet, at times, my mothers mere PRESENCE can turn him into a raving, obsessive, very scary man. I remember all this from my childhood. Arguments between my parents aren't new.

As an adult, I should be able to handle these... outbursts of temper and irrationality. Unfortunately, after today I realize that isn't the case at all. When he's irrational like that I get very, very nervous. He's never been given to violent acts but when he anger bursts out like it did today, many times today, I fear that fact could change.

How do I keep this from effecting me?

I had the urge today to snack. I wasn't hungry. I KNEW I wasn't hungry. I didn't give into the impulse but my GOD how I wanted to. Suddenly, I realized that behavior, that snacking due to being anxious or nervous is something I've done all my life... to cope. Even when I was a child it was my comfort when I felt that buzz of anxiety start.

The better question is this.

How do I keep my fathers fits of temper from giving my child the wrong messages? I don't want him to believe that ANYONE deserves to be spoken to the way he speaks to my mother... much LESS a spouse. I have to wonder if coming back here, living with my parents, is going to be the best thing for Shecky. God willing, it will be.

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