I can haz domain?

I HAVE A NEW HOME!!!! Thanks to my wonderful friend Dotlizard my blog has a new home. Please come see me at www.notameangirl.com. You can find me there from now on!

Teardrops on My Keyboard

I'm loosing someone very close to me. J is moving to another state. He got a promotion which is wonderful. It's a job he's been lusting over as long as I've known him. He has to move 3 states away to get it though. We'll keep in touch, I know. It won't be the same. I feel like my heart is breaking and I kinda want it to stop... a lot.

I have a headache from the tears... which are caused by the heartache... stoopid systemic sadness.

I feel like I've just been told someone I love is dying. WTF? I know that's not the case but... yeah. He reports to his new job in 2 weeks. Not much notice. Not much time.

Love you J. Gonna miss you more than you know. (Even if I DO wanna kick your ass occasionally. Heh.)

Hi Hi!

Hey friends! I'm sorry I've been such an absent bloggy momma. There's some exciting new stuff about to happen and then things should return to normal! Watch and see!

MeMeMeMeMe...MEEEEEEEEEE

My friend Perpstu over at PoppingBubbles tagged me for this MeMe tonight. As I'm in a funk while waiting for Shecky to FINALLY come home to me from Abilene I'm responding to it NOW:

What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was a customer service Diva for BlueCross BlueShield of Texas. I was becoming increasingly depressed as I neared 30 childless. I was diagnosed with Diabetes and High Blood Pressure and started trying to modify my diet and began taking medication for both issues.

What are five things on my to-do list today?
1. Clean the bathrooms
2. Laundry
3. Clean the Stove
4. Plurk and ChaCha
5. Watch the Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Snacks I enjoy:
Peanut Butter Oreos, Cinnamon Rasin Toast, Fresh Fruit Salad, green olives, Ruffles Potato Chips, Frito's.

Places I’ve lived:
New Bruswick, NY, Penn Hills, PA, Monroeville, PA, Port Arthur, TX, Nederland, TX, Abilene, TX, Houston, TX

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Pay off our debts, buy two new cars (one for HusbandGuy one for me), BUY A HOUSE, Set up a trust fund for my son, donate a sizable amount of money to a local batter women and children shelter anonymously, set up a self-renewing scholarship specifically for ADULT college students trying to achieve their dreams and invest, invest, invest.

I'm tagging the following people:

ALL OF YOU!

Depression and Me

It's a well known fact that I suffer from depression. MOST of the time it's under pretty good control. Like anyone I have my rougher patches, even when medicated, and it makes everything more difficult.

Unfortunately, my rough patches seem to come ever ohhh... 28 days or so. You know how they say its always darkest before the dawn? Yeah... in MY case... It's always darkest before Aunt Flo...

Honestly, I don't even like MYSELF when I get like I am tonight. I don't want to see ANYONE, yet, I want Husband and J within arms reach in case I get weepy. God HELP them if they speak to me though. I don't wanna do ANYTHING. I feel totally drained... and yet... I'm almost manic with this nervous, manic energy that I can't seem to rid myself of. I DO NOT LIKE ANYTHING. Nothing makes me happy. I burned dinner tonight... but it was still really tasty... but I was still PISSED because that wasn't how I'd envisioned the dish. Yeah... PSYCHO...

I'd just lock myself in a closet so no one else has to suffer my mood... but I dun even wanna be around myself.

PISS OFF PMS...

Straight Talk About My Numbers

Many people say your weight is just a number, as is your age. Yeah, I don't buy that in either case.

My age indicates my life experience. It indicates how much I've lived and how much I've potentially done. It's not a bad thing. It's not something to be dreaded. It just... is.

My weight, on the other hand, is a cruel, cruel mistress that I dread seeing and dealing with. It indicates how much I've failed. It shows how far off the mark I've been. It cries when it sees me coming, I SWEAR to you it does!

I have managed to gain 20 lbs in the last 2 months. First, it was the pain keeping me from moving much at all. The depression and fear that bring on the nervous munchies took over as the surgery date grew closer. After the surgery I felt WONDERFUL and I celebrated by eating whatever was handy.

Yeah, I've not done such a great job lately with that number. It's something I'm SUPPOSED to control... yet... more often than not, it controls me.

So... it's time again. I need to get off my ass and rededicate myself to my weight loss efforts. I have 2 weeks left here in Houston. Then I go back to the lake. I'm going to be more careful with what I eat and how active I am here for these next too weeks. I'll consider it a victory if I don't gain any more than I already have. Then... Katy Bar The Friggin Door.... It's ON my friends.

Hello, Again.

I am SO, SO sorry I've been absent much of this last week. It's been a Lil Crazy here at Casa NAMG.

Long story short, in the last 14 days we have had 6 people in my family go into the hospital for various things. I THINK it's all over with now and regular posting shall resume!

Again, my apologies and I hope you'll stick around. The weight loss posts are about to ramp up as are the "My Child so CRAZY" posts, as he is returning soon from his vacation in Abilene.

See ya's soon.

Finally...

HOME!

I got a clean bill of health. I apparently have a VERY healthy heart. Better than it has a right to be with my weight! WOOT! My lungs are STRONG! ::flexes lungs for a better view::

Apparently, my little breathing issues were brought on by stress and anxiety and it just presented in an odd way. I've had panic attacks and anxiety attacks before and NONE of them acted like this. I mean... not really. Yes, the tightness in the chest and feeling like I can't breathe were similar but my mind wasn't racing... wasn't flying all over the place trying to control the "event" and causing the panic to worsen...

However, I HAVE had a lot of stress over the last year. The last two weeks have upped the ante stress-wise. My surgery, my nephew's surgery, Unca B's surgery, struggling with whether or not I should return to the lake for the school year and continue my weight loss efforts there. Should I keep Adrian in that environment and community another year and let him become more invested in it before, ultimately, ripping him out of it and bringing him back to Houston where he'll have to start over in the 4th grade. I will have to learn to manage my eating here. I will have to learn to make it work in THIS environment... but is now the time? Just lots of... stuff... going on in my head. I supposed it IS entirely possible it was panic and stress.

Regardless, I AM HOME! I do have to say, if any of you are in the Houston area and have to go to the hospital... Houston North West Hospital just offa FM 1960 is great. It's clean and modern. The staff if knowledgeable and personable. Very friendly and caring. They encourage questions and give detailed answers. They WILL take the time to make you comfortable in all ways. My family and I were very impressed. :)

Humble Pie

I was admitted to the hospital today. I've been having pressure on the left side of my chest and feeling like I'm unable to get my breath for 2 days. Husband took me to the ER this morning after that sensation woke me out of a deep sleep and then my left arm started feeling tired and weak. We feared blood clots had made their way to my lungs but a chest CT showed no clotting. Thank God. Now I'm being worked up for cardiac issues but everything thus far has come back negative for problems. Tomorrow I have the 2nd part of my cardiac stress test and we should know more then.

My friends and family have really lifted me up throughout all of this and I am so, SO grateful to have you all in my life.

I want to thank each and every one of you for the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you've been sending my way during this whole Pain/Surgical drama. The support of my friends and family has been wonderful and has made a HUGE difference in my outlook and mindset.

You have managed to keep a smile on my face and laughter in my heart when I've been hurting more than I can describe and scared out of my mind. You bring me Peace. You are the greatest gift I've ever been given. Thank you so much.

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 8 - The Final Chapter

KDFrawg is a writer from Kansas and the proprietor or Plurkiverse.com

People, Plurk, and Reality

People, as a rule, are great. I like to keep that in my mind at all times, because it can be easy to forget and I never want to let the thought go. Sometimes things happen that shake our faith in people, like the recent LillyAnn episode. No matter what the truth turns out to be, the incident will have made us question the efficacy of our fellow man. Questioning is all right; it makes us better. But losing faith is not right, because it makes us worse.

I have witnessed incidents similar to this one unfold on the Internet for over 25 years. People have seen things like this happen in the non-virtual world since humans made their way down from the trees, and perhaps before. Many of them start out as little white lies that get big and dark gray. Others begin life as black like deep midnight and go downhill from there. I don't care how the latest incident came about. It just doesn't matter.

What matters is that people care enough to be deceived once in a while. There is no shame in that. In our haste to help, sometimes we give too much and too soon. It is better to err on the side of humanity, as long as we do not lose anything really meaningful, like our love for our fellow human beings. We can lose a little money once in a while and recover from it. If you lost love and faith, you have lost it all.

Think instead about the people you care about, like NotAMeanGirl, and about the real problems they face, like surgery. We are sure that our friend will come back to us better, with fewer problems than before. Still, we can't help but worry because we are good people, and we care. Don't let the occasional bad person alienate you from all the great people. Stop spending negative energy thinking about scams, and start sending positive energy towards NotAMeanGirl for her quick recovery, and for a better life, problems solved.

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 7

Plurk Friends

Hi, I am Laura Iriarte and I am guest blogging for Tessa/NotAMeanGirl while she recovers from surgery. I met Tessa on plurk.com.

Plurk.com is a social networking site that consists of a timeline broken down to the minute. Members or plurkers post comments or questions in 140 characters. Similar to friendfeed.com, other members can comment or reply to someone else's plurk. In this way it is easy to have a conversation with one or more people.

Plurkers are friendly and warm, if I plurk simply, "hello", I will easily have 10 responses from other plurkers saying hello back. I love that! Even though I have many more twitter followers and some friends on twitter I adore, that doesn't happen on twitter. If I say hello on twitter, I will get one or two responses max, sometimes zero.

If I ask a question on twitter, it's debatable whether someone will answer it. I've gotten mixed results. But on Plurk, plurkers are out in full force to help each other. It's really nice. I really enjoy the friendly and fun plurk community. I've met some very nice people.

NotAMeanGirl is one of them. And when she put out a request for guest bloggers while she was recuperating, many of us raised our plurky hands to help her out. That's what plurkers do. If you are looking for and enjoyable way to pass some time, give plurk.com a try.

I'll see you there!

Note: My plurk name is lauralovesart, and well, of course, NotAMeanGirl's is NotAMeanGirl. I regularly blog at: http://lauralovesart.wordpress.com. Please come and visit!

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 6

The Accidental Racist

(pings http://devylgyrl.com/2008/07/15/racism-generation-to-generation/)

Years ago I was actively involved in a number of spirited and deeply felt blog conversations on race. One of the most insightful bloggers involved posted a question: "What did you know and when did you know it?", asking us when we first became aware of race and how. In response I posted the story of my childhood in Oakland in the mid-60's, when I was staying with my grandparents as the first African-Americans moved into the neighborhood. I related the terrible racism of my grandfather, a hard-working salt of the earth man who hated everyone who was not pure white and from the right areas of Europe, and how I defiantly befriended the children of the first black family to move in down the street. I was a socially inept child that was often the victim of the cool kids (yes, even in Kindergarten), and as such I was very grateful to have friends who didn't enjoy tricking me into 'drinking' cups full of sand, among other juvenile humiliations I endured.Nathan and Lionel were my best friends that year, and i related this story in the effort to make myself sound like the 'good white person', the one who looked past skin color and familial influences and saw the nice children who would not do hurtful things to me.

As I related this story I cast myself as a social misfit, and concluded by saying that I was glad not to be like the 'normal' children who tormented me so, and in doing so showed my ignorance to my own racism. Yes, my own racism. Because just rebelling against the status quo and identifying myself as an outsider in that neighborhood by virtue of my choice of playmates, I was unknowingly reinforcing the prejudices that I carried. Without even realizing what I was saying, I came right out and said that white was 'normal'.

So there I was, congratulating myself for being ahead of my time in open-mindedness, when I was completely blindsided by the following response:

The average human being is a person of color, with dark hair, dark eyes, and non-white skin. To be a person of color is to be 'normal'.

White people have forced 'whiteness' on the psyche of the world as being 'normal' through sheer brute force...you know, the whole domination,colonization, oppression of the world's people of color bit.

I have been approached by people like you in my life, either for friendship or dating, who didn't see themselves as 'normal' white people and felt some sort of kinship or affinity towards people of color because of this. Yeah,I've heard it all before from white people coming at me with Freaks unite!Oddballs rule! Hmmmph, as if I am inherently a freak or oddball or not 'normal' because I am black. This is insulting, on so many levels. It is condescending. It is rude. It is hurtful.

I remember reading this comment and feeling dizzy with shame, because let's face it that's just what I did. And this shook me to the core. It took from me my illusions of being better than the racists that raised me, of having overcome the challenges of my upbringing and grown up to be an enlightened being. I looked from my grandparents' generation to my parents, who considered themselves very tolerant of 'different' people, yet who could not bring up a non-caucasian person in conversation without identifying them with a racial label. They thought they were the good white people too. And then I looked from my parents' generation to myself, and realized that my insistence that I "didn't see color" was really an insult to the people whose color i claimed not to see. I realized that defeating racism did not mean acting as if race did not exist.

Since then, I have learned to see in color. I have learned that my acquired color-blindness was not the answer and, like Devyl,to teach my children about racism. My strategy, had it not been for this eye-opening, would have been to teach my children to ignore the differences of race and color, rather than to embrace and honor them, and to listen and learn and try to understand. I learned that it is one of my most important tasks as a parent not to teach my children 'tolerance', as if differences are something we need to tolerate, to endure; a burden. If I succeed in this, my children will never accidentally blurt out some ignorant remark that reveals a deep flaw in their perspective, where they see themselves as gracious in their acceptance of others. Acceptance is something we have for shortcomings, tolerance is something we have for pain. Acceptance of race is not grace, it is arrogance. So, this is my goal for my children, but what of myself? In truth I am not even sure I am not practicing some insidious form of condescending whiteness in writing this. What I have learned in the intervening six years since the blog post mentioned above, is that I have some wonderful friends on the Internet who have put up with me through my ignorance and provided a gentle education as I struggle to get it right.

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 5

How much food goes to waste in YOUR household?

I had other ideas about what I would blog about tonight, grand ideas that would take some time to research. However, I find that right now, all I want to do is rant. So, I am going to have a semi-productive rant.

I live on a *very* limited income. I share a large-ish house with two other adults (they are brother and sister, and I claim them as my brother and sister because they are my best friend's brother and sister), their three children (she has two, he has one), and my child. We split the rent (2/2/1, with *him* having the one/fifth ratio), the bills (1/1/1), and the food (1/1/1/).

Being in this situation, it is obvious to me that we should be respectful to one another and conserve as much energy, food, and water as possible. We should not be letting water run in the sink untended, putting the air down to 70 degrees during the day when nobody is home, or wasting food. Right? Common sense, I would think.

However, since we *first* moved in together, my child and I have limited most of our showers to 15 minutes or less, with a few running longer if we were hurt, tired, or stressed out. My roommate takes 20 minute showers, daily. Her son would turn the water on, sit on the toilet for 20 minutes, then get in the shower and bathe for 10 minutes. It has bothered me since we moved in together, but no matter what I say, she *insists* that my child and I use more water than they do, collectively. Whatever.

I have a habit of setting my thermostat and leaving it be. If i get hot, i put on a fan. If i get cold, I pull on a blanket. I probably don't conserve as much energy as I should with the thermostat, and I will gladly admit that I am spoiled in that I have almost *always* had air conditioning and like to use it during the summer. However, I do shut off lights when I'm not using them. I turn off the tvs and radios overnight, and I trained my child years ago to turn off light switches when leaving the room. My roommate? They leave lights on through the whole main part of the house - hallway, living room, kitchen - whether they are using them or not, because they don't like the dark. Both my roommate and her son leave their radios on all night long. They turn the air to an extreme to cool/warm the *whole* house instead of using the space heater or fan to cool off the *one* room they are using to hang out.

I like to recycle. I think it is healthy, I think it is helpful - no matter how little my effort counts in the scope of the world, I think it only takes a minimal effort on my part to make a huge difference in my own contribution to the trash. My roommates? No. They don't recycle. They don't like to rinse the cans out before they put them in the trash. They figure it all gets dumped in the same place anyway, what's the point?

Now, here's my biggest pet peeve. Food.

When I cook, I cook a lot of food, because I know I like it - and I can eat it the next day or the day after. I put food in the refrigerator and take care to package it properly so that it will be as "fresh" as possible the next day. When i cook, my leftovers do *not* go to waste. It is amazing how much food I throw away every week out of the refrigerator. Meat that was prepared but not cooked. Half-drank sodas or juice boxes. A can of soup half eaten. A head of lettuce used once for a sandwich. Tomatoes that didn't get touched because I was told they were for a particular purpose, but that purpose never came about. A whole box of pasta that was prepared but not used because they didn't have the milk or the butter to put into sauce. Half-eaten fruit. Half-eaten dishes. Bread that got hard or moldy because they don't like to keep it int he refrigerator, where it will last longer, but they ALSO don't like to keep the twist-tie on it - they just fold it over and call it done (ew, gross!). At least one a month, I fill an entire trash bag with wasted food. What the heck is going on here?

There are five of them in the house. Why aren't they eating all these leftovers and all this food? What in the world is going on? I asked once. I was told, "I do not like leftovers. When we were growing up, we didn't eat them. Only Mom ate the leftovers." You know why? Because they were so poor, there was *only* enough food to cook one meal at a time, and there were six of them in the family, so that food got eaten up really freaking quickly! So, why cook so much if you're not going to eat it the next day? Well, because they want there to be plenty now. *Insert eye roll here.*

I know I could do better with the other resources we use. I *know* I could conserve more energy and water. I do not think, however, that I waste either needlessly. My thermostat goes up during the day because I'm not here (or down during the winter), and while I take long showers, I don't run the water the whole time, plus I use a thingamajig that helps conserve water. But the waste of food? That is a very physical, very noticeable, very tangible waste of resources and money. Not to mention all the starving kids it could feed if it were possible to get it to them.

I'm disgusted by it. Once again, I am going to make more of an effort to rescue what they are wasting. Wish me luck!

Oh, and if you want to discuss, answer this: How much food do YOU waste in your household??

Thanks for listening (reading)
xoxo
Devyl

Oh, and if you want to know more about me, or you like randomness, check out my blog, "Random Thoughts and Musings," at http://devylgyrl.com/

xoxo

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 4

Fajar Jasmin is an aspiring writer from Indonesia. Having a background as a Certified Technical Writer, he does have an unhealthy fascination of details, - which he shamelessly indulge on when working on his first novel.

That being said, he's also a pompous smartass. Proud father. Inconsistent blogger. Self-styled writer. Avid reader. Book kisser. Passionate lover. Industrial music evangelist. Dumb loyalist. Top-notch timewaster. Football philosopher. Tolstoy apostle. Lucky bastard. Ping-pong spin doctor. And a Hopeless romantic.

For more info about him, visit his personal blog at http://sanewords.wordpress.com

A LOVE LETTER OF A CANNIBAL : An Interlude

Dear Butterfly,

Are you there ? Wherever there is ? Are you there, crossing your feet on top of each other, sipping your coffee while observing the sky from behind those cat-eye glasses of yours ?

3 days, 8 months and 11 years. That’s exactly how long since the last time I’ve seen you. You see, I’ve been counting. I’ve been counting my days since I walked out of your door that Sunday evening. And wondering. What happened ? What happened to our warm bubble of lovemaking ? What happened to turn a butterfly back to what it used to be, - an ugly caterpillar ? Reverse metamorphosis ? Unable to find out, I did likewise. I regressed to mankind’s most primal existence. I dug deep to its most primitive desire. I feed.

It’s been downhill since. Life after you was black. Black. Bleak. Dark. Naked. Torn. I can only see two colors now : Black and Red. And because red is the only bright hue I can see in this otherwise insipid monochrome damned world of mine, I got addicted to it. And because there is nothing redder than blood. The beautiful crimson. Once tasted, forever hooked.

I wonder how does it feel like ? Sitting on the lap of somebody who betrayed your closest one ? Prowling around on the green grass like two carefree children who escaped their mother’s vigilant attention ? Basking in the orange rays of Singaporean dusk, I bet treason tasted good then, eh ? You see, what dumbfounded me was, - and constantly is, what was on your mind ? Why would you do such thing ? Broken promises ? Unsung odes ? I searched and searched and searched, until it hit me. It’s just a plain, blatant, stinking backstabbing at its most ugliest.

They say fight fire with fire. Would a fire be hot enough to consume the vile stench of what you did ? When you kill someone, the best way to avoid the stinky decomposition fumes is by eating the body. See the logic now ? I do not eat to hide the traces. I feast on the glorious vermillion of blood and meat and eliminates the obnoxious smell at one stroke.

In a way, what I’ve been doing is searching. I’ve been searching for that critical point where our universe was bent into an unrecognizable shape. Answers. Reasons. Motives. Explanations. Triggers. Did I start the doomed chain reaction myself ? Was it some involuntary decision of mine that somehow created a different, twisted perception to you ? And searched I did.

Even until I found you myself. Even until I chew on your finger one by one. Even as portions of our limbs are joined together in my grinder to create the most tantalizing and delectable meat paté you’ve ever had. I won’t stop, my dear butterfly. If I can not bend heaven, then I will stir hell for an answer. And before I can do that, I will have to pass the ultimate border of all : death itself. Oh, I’ll do it gladly enough. We’ll do it together, remember ? I will die asking, slowly, smiling. Looking into diminishing glow of life in your pretty eyes.

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 3

Normally, I write about techno-web design and SEO. It pretty much consumes my life. I'm actually really excited to get to write a post that doesn't need to sound smart and cutting edge.
I'm honored to post here because I understand what its like to go through horrible, horrible pain and medical issues. I'm always interested to see how people react to the stress and lifestyle changes. Some people slow down and pity themselves while other stay positive and inspire others; it is a strange continuum. I want to share a little bit of my story, and hopefully it will be uplifting to you.


In March of '06 I began a terrible journey. It stared with what I thought was a bad case of the stomach flu. It wouldn't go away. After a month of pain I just started hopping through specialists: gyns, GIs, urologists, no one could really pinpoint what was wrong. But it hurt, and I suffered. I was taking 20 hour in my junior year of college and working. I was also planning a wedding, even though that quickly came to a stand still.


In April they finally hospitalized me for throwing up bile and not keeping any fluids down for 48 hours. Upon my admission to the emergencey room they shot me up with morphine. It didn't even touch the pain. When I told the doctors how much I still hurt they proceded to tell my parents that I was "drug-seeking" and they would hold me for viewing but would not give me any more medication. Imagine being locked in a little cell with IV fluids, balled up in pain, telling you to stop lying about how bad you feel and they won't even let you have visitors.
At the end of the second day I had a bleed. They did an emergency colonoscopy (not fun). And discovered I had Msenteric ischemia:

Mesenteric ischemia - acute mesenteric ischemia is an uncommon life-threatening clinical entity that ultimately leads to death unless it is diagnosed and treated appropriately. Despite diagnostic and therapeutic advances and an improved understanding of the pathophysiology, the morbidity and mortality associated with acute mesenteric ischemia remain high, having changed relatively little over the past several decades. Accordingly, the index of suspicion for this disease should be high whenever a patient presents with acute-onset severe abdominal pain that is out of proportion to the physical findings. Once the diagnosis is made, prompt intervention is required to minimize morbidity and mortality.Acute mesenteric ischemia can result from any of four distinct processes: (1) embolic occlusion of the mesenteric circulation (usually the superior mesenteric artery [SMA]); (2) acute thrombosis of the mesenteric circulation; (3) intense splanchnic vasoconstriction—so-called nonocclusive mesenteric ischemia (NOMI)—which is usually associated with a low-flow state or profound hypovolemia; or (4) mesenteric venous thrombosis (MVT). (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/525814?rss)

In layman's terms, it doesn't usually happen until you are 60 or older. It also has a 1% survival chance if not discovered in 24 hours. You know what ulcers are? Imagine that along 26 feet of intestine. They told me I was going to die and there was nothing they could do. (On the up side, they did give me my own pain specialist... and he was hot. I wanted to marry this guy: gorgeous, doctor and makes all the bad things go away!)

My mother, God bless her, didn't believe them. She had me careflighted from Dallas to Pittsburg to see one of three doctors could could preform the triple organ transplant they thought I needeed. On the plane I lost all my vitals (death escape #2). But right when I flatlined, I came back.

In Pittsburg I experienced my next real miracle. They did another colonoscopy. All the raw places in my intestines were gone. In fact, they wouldn't have believed they were ever there if they didn't have photographic evidence. I no longered needed a transplant. However, in the next week my small bowel ruptured. (death escape #3) But we didn't know. I was sick, very sick, and my intestines were leaking, but no one knew. A few more weeks go by, they were running tests to find the source of infection, to no avail. Finally, we go in for surgery. Surgery was a great risk, due to a childhood defect (which may or may not be related to the ischemia) I had naturally low platelets as well as extra varicose veins covering all my organs. The risk of internal bleeding was incredible. (death escape #4)

Surgery should have taken 2-4 hours. It took 12. I have read the surgeon's log, its not pretty (even when its all facts and no emotion). They spent hours trimming back veins, each one liable to kill me, just to get to the rupture. I was completely seperated, my colon had wrapped around the two pieces small intestine and held them together, forming a kind of capsule which kept me from dying. Even the surgeon told my family: God's the only reason she's still alive.

I spent another month in recovery. I now have a 24 inch scar across my stomach in the shape of a Mercedes Benz symbol. I lead a completely normal life besides blood thinners and regular labs. All that time in the hospital people around the world prayed for me, sent good thoughts my way, etc. Many of these people I didn't even know. I'm not advocating religion, but I do think the positive thoughts of people can make a difference in someone's life. I never really believed I was going to die, maybe it was denial but I think I just knew somehow that I would make it.

I often wonder why I was saved. So many people die in accidents every day. But I have made it my mission to live every day better because I'm so lucky. I plan to write about my experiences in the hopsital (this barely scratches the surface). Every morning I get in the shower and see that scar and it reminds me of my promise. I hope reading this makes you think about what is most important to you and if your life was cut short tomorrow what would you do? Take that thought and live everyday like its your last. The richness I have discovered by doing this has made me a better person and I wouldn't change anything that has happened... except the medical bills, those sucked.

If you are interested in more of my writing, including stuff about my upcoming book it is here: Kat Scratch or you can check out my business blog: http://www.veribatim.com/blog/

Guest Post-A-Palooza Day 2

Todays guest blog is by Claudia of StoriesByClaudia. She's a friend of mine from Plurk! She's written a short story for your consideration:

Hard Blue Plastic Chair

The glow of the monitor displays outlined Rebecca Hargreaves’ grief stricken profile. Her shoulders slumped under the weight of her guilt. She scooted the hard blue plastic chair closer to her daughter Alex’s bed in the Intensive Care Unit of St. Joseph’s Hospital in Denver Colorado.

As if in a trance, Rebecca watched the lights bounce up and down on the screens. These unintelligible machines were the only thing that stood between her vibrant daughter and death.

Always a beautiful woman, a Senator’s wife, Rebecca’s face reflected the strain of last twelve hours. Her large hazel eyes were red and swollen from weeping into her husband’s tight embrace. Under a mask of make-up perfection, she looked pale and tired. Her pert Cupid’s bow lips, usually turned in a bright smile, held a tight line as if guarding against a scream that lingered just behind Rebecca’s teeth.

She closed her eyes to say a silent prayer of gratitude for the guards outside the curtain. While protecting her daughter’s safety, they also ensured that Rebecca’s distraught photo would not appear on page six of the New York Post.

Turning her head away from her daughter, and the awful machines, Rebecca crossed her arms over her chest. This time, she remembered to dress for the iceberg ICU by wearing a soft hand knit sweater. Her perfectly manicured hands moved along her arms, caressing the wool, in a desperate attempt to create comfort in this frigid, sterile environment.

She turned her eyes to the bed where her daughter lay under blue hospital blankets, white sheets, and a mile of gauze. Short, brown stubble peeked from a turban of bandages that encompassed Alex’s head. Her taut body was a horror show of tubes, drains, and shunts. The clear plastic pipe jammed into her throat forced Alex to take one breath, and then another. Her right hand, its cuticles ragged and skin calloused, lay just inches from Rebecca’s face where Alex’s husband had placed it before walking from her bedside.

Watching her daughter’s hand, Rebecca wondered if she would feel better if she held it close to her heart, as Alex’s husband had done. Caught between action and inaction, Rebecca could only stare. Her heart longed for the chance to connect but her mind saw only decades of estrangement and mistrust.

Rebecca scooted the hard blue plastic chair closer to the bed. Making an effort to ignore the chewed fingernails, small scabs, and calluses, Rebecca reached for the hand. Her hands stopped for a moment, as if to say “Do I have to?”, before they wrapped around Alex’s hand.

Rebecca flushed with the immediate warmth, love and acceptance that radiated from Alex. Alex loved Rebecca. Her precious daughter loved her. Caught in the moment, Rebecca lost track of the bouncing lights. Only this hand, and her love for her child, mattered now.

“Mom,” Rebecca’s youngest daughter stood in the doorway, “It’s time.”

Once attained, she wasn’t sure how to let go of her daughter’s hand. Holding the hand softly between her own, she stood from the hard blue plastic chair. She kissed the rough hand, leaving a red imprint from her lipstick, then placed it carefully on the bed.

Rebecca walked past her youngest daughter and out of the ICU.
~~~~~~~
Rebecca and Alex Hargreaves are part of a women’s thriller series called “The Fey.”
claudia hall christian is a novelist. claudia is currently working on a serial fiction (DenverCereal.com) set in Denver as well as the Fey thriller series. claudia’s stories can be found at: StoriesbyClaudia.com.

Guest Post-A-Palooza

Howdy Ho NotAMeanGirl friends and readers!

As most of you are aware, our sweetie, Not A Mean Girl will be out sick for the next few days. Because she knew she was going into surgery, Not A Mean Girl asked if anyone from Plurk.com would like to guest post on her blog during her absence. Enter - me.

My name is Cylithria. Yes, that is my real name. No, it has no genealogical background. Yes, it's a long story. No, I won't bore you with it. - Oh wait, I'm probably boring you already. Phooey. Hate it when that happens. Anyway, back to Not A Mean Girl asking for guest bloggers on Plurk.com.

When I read her request, I jumped! I mean guest posting.... on someone else's blog..... w00t, that's like going to someone else's house and eating all their chocolate cake and not have to do dishes afterwards. It's truly the bee's knees!! Of course, when Not A Mean Girl accepted my offer to guest post, she probably thought she'd get something... worthwhile. whoops.

I have to be honest here, I haven't been reading Not A Mean Girl's blog for very long. I cyber met Not A Mean Girl at plurk.com. I don't recall who friended who first, but fact remains we are steadfast plurktopian friends now. It's what happens on Plurk, you see a user name, start following their timeline, you reply to their plurks, they swing by and reply to yours, and soon enough your friending one another and asking some nutball like me to guest post on your blog! (Or you're hiding their emailed guest post in your inbox and telling that crazy, insane plurker that you never got it, in which case none of you will read this!)

So where was I, oh yeah, becoming friends via Plurk. I'm not the only pleep (what we call fellow plurkers) who will be guest posting during Not A Mean Girl's blog. Rumor has it (meaning I read it in the Plurk replies) there will be some really cool guest posts not written by really whacky plurkers like me. :) And Not A Mean Girl is optimistic that she will be able to once again post in about a week or so. So fear not fellow plurkers, bloggers, friends and family..... Not A Mean Girl WILL be back, and she will not write useless drivel like this. (That's my job now)

I really only guest blogged for two reasons, one to show Not A Mean Girl I really admire her courage, her strength and her optimism in the face of scary times and two to tell all of her readers you BEST stop in during this week and leave a comment of support. I mean it folks, Not A Mean Girl is not mean.... but well I can be a kind of twisted, whacky, insane mean and I won't be afraid to use it and come guest post at YOUR blogs if I find out you're not commenting and leaving best wishes.

Just the threat of me guest posting on your blog should make you leave a comment - BUT, I'll admit it. Anyone who comments or sends good energy and thoughts to Not A Mean Girl during this time is doing it because she is NOT A MEAN GIRL.

We all love you lady. We're pulling for you, praying, thinking of you and one of us is writing whacky blog posts just for you to prove it!

Ciao for now! Cylithria - weird, whacky, plurktopian friend to Not A Mean Girl.

Fit Pitching

First let me say, I'm sorry.

If any of you have used the ChipIn button on my blog, I am SO very sorry.

There are things coming out about this situation that don't add up. There is speculation that it's a con. I hope to God that's not the case. I WANT to believe it's not the case. I REFUSE to believe it is the case. However, I felt I owe that warning to anyone considering donating.

I'm leaving the button up because I can't bring myself to POSSIBLY cause some one's demise on the CHANCE that it's not a legitimate cry for help.

I hate that about myself.

I find myself in a huge predicament. I placed my trust in someone with the belief that, like me, they are who they say they are. I stopped looking for a way to help support my family financially because I placed my trust in this person. Someone I'd never met face to face, yet, someone I identified with. Someone I clicked with.

I... am an Internet Newb.

Honestly, I DO know better. I know that the Internet allows for easily hiding one's true nature. That it is a breeding ground for con's and grifters. That the less than ethical among us lurk and lure via the Web waiting to pounce on those less suspicious and less savvy than themselves. This is not an unknown quantity to me... However, I choose to still trust. I choose to still be open with my life and what I've learned from it. I choose to reach out and make those connections with the invisible people the world over. I choose not to let the harsh realities of the predators out there change who I am.

I have a conundrum. I have a child that I have to protect. I'm now a little more wary. I'm now a little less trusting. I'm now unsure that those connections are a good thing... because of him... yet... I don't want it to change who I am... because of him.

Updates

Today I go for my pre-op stuff. Chest X-ray... EKG... blood work...

Tomorrow night my folks will arrive.

Weds I have to report to the hospital at 6am.

Surgery will take place at 7:30am.

Mom will be staying a week to help out.

Husband will be off the following week.

Shecky is safely away in Abilene, TX with his Paternal Grandparents for a month.

Last night was a BAD night for pain. I was curled up in a ball crying for much of it. Thank GOD this is coming to a close soon... I hope.

I'm liable to be absent from the blog for several days, maybe a week or more. I'd like to have some guest bloggers come in and post. If anyone is interested, please lemme know.

A Cry For Help...

I have mentioned a few times that I am an avid Plurk-a-holic. I have made many friends there and it is just a really great bunch of people.

Unfortunately, one of the people I most admire on there is very ill. She has Lupus, which is bad, but it's actually much worse than that. She only has one kidney and has to have dialysis weekly. She is self-employed and has no insurance. She had to miss several dialysis treatments due to one of the contracts having been arrears in their payments to her.

LillyAnn is now in ICU, unconscious for the most part, fighting for her life. The people on Plurk chipped in as much as they could and managed to fund a dialysis treatment for her. She received it today, but, there were complications and she is now going to have to have surgery to try and save her remaining kidney.

I know it's difficult to put faith in someones story. I know it's easy to be taken in by a scam artist. I know the Internet is a breeding ground for con's... I watched this situation develop slowly over time and, as many others on Plurk, believe the situation and believe in the person involved.

Please look to the top right hand area of my blog page. I have a ChipIn widget there. If you know LillyAnn and want to help and CAN help.. please do.

Tell Me Lies... Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

So... Surgery is in one week.... from today.

My child leaves for Abilene to spend time with Husband's side of the family Saturday.

I'm having random crying jags and freaking out of stuff that isn't important...

Yeah... I'm stressing over the surgery.

People keep asking if I'm OK with it and I keep saying, "Yeah! I'm not worried about the SURGERY! It's the recovery I'm dreading! Let's hope it goes better than last time!"

LIES!

Yeah... I'm scared of the surgery. It's freaking my ass out. My friends, I'm a control freak... this surgery? Yeah, I have NO control over how it goes. I'll be unconscious. Helpless. Ummm... ok... I'm gonna think about something else now... I can feel the panic attack bubbling up again....

Cute Shecky Moment:

He got the Iron Man video game for the PS2. Throughout the game Pepper gives you directions when you aren't achieving the goals quickly enough... I heard THIS the other night:

"Yes, I KNOW Pepper! SHUT. IT!"

I about pee'd myself.

I Won WHAT?

Swistle held a HUGE Pay It Forward contest over the 4th of July Weekend. Many Blogs participated. Each held it's own contest with it's own winner. I was one of the winners over at Twists and Turns!!! I NEVER win anything. I'm so stoked! Part of the prize is having my OWN Pay It Forward contest. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to wait for the rest of the winners to do theirs in a mass give away like the original participating blogs or not so I'll hold off for a short while. I'll give y'all more details as they become available!!!

Watch This Space For Contest Rules And Posting!

Job Referral

I just applied for a job on Plurk.... Here's what I sent them...

"Hi there!
I saw some friends Plurking about your posting for a Plurkanista Position with your wonderful company. I'd love to put my name in the hat. I'm a very social person. I get along with just about anyone. I'm friendly, helpful and love particiapting in conversations on any number of subjects. I'm not entirely sure what the position entails or what type of credentials you are looking for, but, if you'll give me some more information I'll give you as much as you can handle! I even have Plurk Pals willing to give me recommendations. :)
Thank you for your consideration.

Tessa Lemmons aka NotAMeanGirl"

I have no clue if it'll do any good but... I had to try!!!!!

Revelations Chapter 1, Verse 1

I realized something this weekend.

I'm VERY bothered that it seems I'm so far behind in life compared to others my age.

Let me explain. We visited with some folks at the lake this weekend. We'll call them the Purples. The Purples are just a few years older than Husband and I. They are GRANDPARENTS. They are HOMEOWNERS. They are GROWN-UPS.

We, no.. I am not the first two and don't FEEL like the third. Shecky just turned 8. Most people my age have grand kids.... I feel sort of... out of the loop and left behind. How foolish is that?

Then, yesterday, I was conversing with my parents. Dad mentioned the fact that my brother was going to be a grandfather... my YOUNGER brother... and I was MORTIFIED. I was... JEALOUS. I was SAD. He had beaten me to that milestone by a long, LONG margin.

I wouldn't exchange my child for an older one. I don't want to wish away his youth. I'm THRILLED that he keeps me young and keeps me going. However, I can't help feeling like I've missed the bus somewhere and that I'm a failure at being an adult.

By the way, the age of my son isn't the only thing that makes me feel this way. It's just one that KEEPS popping up for me. :)

Out of Africa...

Well, out of pocket anyway.

We've gone to the lake for a few days. Shecky turn s 8 TOMORROW!!!! Its so fricking hard to believe!

We're gonna celebrate our butts off! BBQ, Tater Salad, Cake and Fireworks! WOOT!

I'll be back Sunday friends! I hope you all have a fantabulous 4th of July!!!

Where I Tell It Like I See It.

There's a whole WORLD of E-Drama going on in the blogasphere. She said... She's mean... She's copying Susie... She hurt my feelings....

Lemme get out my big ole Cluebat (Copyright someone much more clever than I am...)

That shit is NOT what life is about. GET OVER YOURSELVES.

My family is in a bad spot financially. My health is crap... its getting better but its NOT good.

My best friend, Unca B... yeah... he has Kidney cancer. He was supposed to have surgery to remove it tomorrow. That's now on hold. His pre-op chest x-ray shows a spot on one of his ribs... they think they cancer may have metastasised to his bones.

Friends of our family lost their 18 year old grandson, who JUST graduated from High School, 2 days ago. He killed himself in a park at 3am with a shotgun.

A friend of mine on Plurk just found out her great-grandmother has lymphatic cancer. She's sharp as a tack and in good health otherwise... at the age of 93.

Folks, THESE are the problems we should be focusing on. THESE are the things that are important and deserve our thoughts, words and energy.

Pray for us all. We're in a hell of a mess when we don't realize what deserves our ire and what doesn't.

Using My Words

Greta over at Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? Posted her blog's word cloud. I thought it was really quite awesome and stole the idea from here. Here's mine:







Go HERE to make your own.

Anonymous

I feel like I'm out of gas today.
I don't feel "like myself".
I feel that I have nothing to say.
I don't feel like talking will help.

I feel like screaming into the wind.
I don't feel it will do any good.
I feel like something should be coming to an end.
I don't feel hopeful like I thought I would.

I feel angry and sad and anxious and scared.
I don't feel it strongly enough.
I feel like pain halved is not pain shared.
I feel like I'm not very tough.

I feel empty.
I don't feel right.
I feel numb.
I don't feel I have any fight.

I feel... anonymous.

I Have A Date!

My surgery to remove the endometrioma will be 7:30am on July 16th. I'm stoked. If this takes care of all the pain I've been having ... OMG.

Can you say new lease on life?

House Keeping

Just a few things on this Sunday morning for y'all:

1. IzzyMom has been injured. Her foot is in a CAST y'all! She's gonna have to miss BlogHer. She is selling her 2 day pass for $200.00. That's almost $100.00 less than what they normally go for. If you're still looking for tickets go here. If you're not looking for tickets you might still go and offer her condolences for her misfortune.

2. HOLY CRAP! I'm up. I've got laundry going, dishes going, coffee made and Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls in the oven. (Grands sells em in the refrigerated section... heh) I'm moving right along today.

3. Monday cannot get here fast enough. I wanna know my surgery date damnit. (Praying its not the end of next week. Shecky's birthday is Friday, damnit.)

4. Yeah... I got nothing. Hope everyone has a wonderful, family fun filled Sunday!!!

Surgical Precision

Yesterday I had my consult with the surgeon. He said I have an endometrioma. He's basically going to do another C-section and remove it.

OY! I hope it doesn't take a year to heal this time. That... would... suck.

I'm also considering having lap-band surgery on my stomach. Has anyone out there had it done? If so please email me with your experience? tessalemmons@gmail.com.

I also wanna give a shout out to my friends on Plurk for being there for me when I was wigging out about the consult AND for remembering when the consult was and posting a Plurk in support. You guys were a great source of comfort. You ROCK! :)

Paying My Dues

Many of you know, I spent the last year living with my parents. They have paid for virtually EVERYTHING for Shecky and I as far as utilities and food go. I have managed, with my savings, to pay for my medications, Dr visits and Shecky's activities/expenses for school.

Today, since I was back in Houston for a bit, I thought I'd do some real grocery shopping for the house. HOLY HELL! I spent $250.00 at Wallyworld for a week or so's worth of groceries and a few extras. (Like a coffee pot, coffee, filters...)

I was HORRIFIED at the cost of groceries. It made me stop and think how much money my parents have invested in my getting healthy. How much they want me to succeed at this long assed endeavor I've been on.

I just want to say one thing...

Thanks for your support Mom and Dad. It means more than you'll ever know.

Check it out...

Give them a listen and lemme know what you think?

Cooking Mama!

I LOVE to cook. I know, I've mentioned that before... However there's more to the story.

I love to cook, but, I HATE my kitchen. It's tiny. I'm not. 'Nuff Said.

Even if I WAS tiny... it's not possible to have both the dishwasher and the pantry open at the same time. It's TINY.

It also has a "soft spot" on the floor. It's right in front of the sink. Because this kitchen is so small that means its ALSO directly in front of the stove/oven. Now, when I say its a "soft spot" I mean the sucker flexes.. a lot. We are in a 2nd floor apartment.

Now, when you factor in my size, the weak floor and the fact that I'm on the 2nd floor... I HATE MY KITCHEN.

We've called the office here twice. The first time they said it was just a problem with the way the linoleum had been laid. They had someone come in and re-do it. Yeah... not the problem. The second time we contacted them about it, well, basically they shrugged and threw their hands in the air.

Sigh. If you hear a really loud crashing noise coming from the direction of Houston don't worry... its just me... cooking.

R.I.P.

George Carlin almost NEVER failed to make me laugh. He was my Zoloft before there WAS Zoloft.

Sadly, he left us today due to heart failure.

In memory of George Carlin... Thanks for all the laughs.

Mosaic of Me

Jennifer over at Thursday Drive has the mosaid meme going on. I thought I'd give it a shot. The rules are pretty simple:

• Answer each of the questions below.


• Surf over to Flickr (set up an account if you don’t have one–it’s quick and easy) and type your answers (one at a time) into the search bar.


• From the choice of pictures shown only on the front page, click on the one that moves you.


• Once the page with your picture opens, copy the URL.


• Surf over to the Mosaic Maker, set up your mosaic, and paste your URLs.


• Click “Create!”

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?


2. What is your favorite food?


3. What high school did you attend?


4. What is your favorite color?


5. Who is your celebrity crush?


6. What is your favorite drink?


7. Where would you go on your dream vacation?


8. What is your favorite dessert?


9. What do you want to be when you grow up?


10. What do you love most in life?


11. Choose one word to describe you?


12. Your Flickr name?
    

1. Tessa, 2. gris-gris gumbo ya-ya, 3. NL/Nieuwegein/BlokhoeveBridge # 3, 4. fabulous vintage French seafoam millinery, 5. Gina & Nathan from set of Serenity., 6. Today menu: Colorful fruit, 7. Calton Hill, 8. mango cheesecake, 9. Funk addicts, 10. Autumn walk, 11. A Storm Dwells, 12. Pompon is a... GIRL!

Let's see what YOU come up with!!!

Little Things...

Husband has created a habit over the years of surprising me with little things that made him think of me. In the past, its usually been Chocolate or some kind of sweet as that is my weakness. Since I've started seriously trying to loose weight he's been at a loss for what to buy on those occasions. It's been driving him nuts. He's trying really hard not to encourage me to eat things I shouldn't but out of habit he often buys those things that I should least have.

Well, Husband did something incredibly sweet today. He and Shecky went to the Woodlands Mall. He took Shecky to the Houston Museum of Natural Science there. Sheck had a BLAST. This allowed me to rest while I was having a good deal of pain today. Shecky got to dig for fossils and do all sorts of other things I can't remember because when he was telling me about them I was half out of it. (Ahhh Vicodin you are a goddess.)

They also went to Barnes and Nobles. Husband was aware of the fact that I was reading a new author. I bought a book of hers a couple of weeks ago and LOVED it... only to realize it was in the middle of a fricking series and I had then 2nd book... not the first. Last night, I bought the third. I was pissed because I could NOT find the first book. He found it for me and brought it home. :)

Now, for this next bit of my being spoiled today you have to understand one thing. I love to cook. I know I haven't talked much about that but living with my folks my opportunities to be adventurous with my cooking are... limited... at best. Dad like what he likes and doesn't really enjoy trying new things. Mom is happy to let him have his way. I get bored out of my mind.
I'm not a foodie by any means. I will NOT eat goat testicles or squid. I just can't bring myself to do it knowingly. I DO like to try different recipes and whatnot to keep things fresh.

Upon exploring The Woodlands Mall, he also found this place called Oil & Vinegar. They sell all sorts of flavored olive oil and balsamic vinegar. OH MAH GAH! He got me a cruet of each. Strawberry Balsamic which is going to be AMAZING over fruit or a nice fresh salad and some Garlic infused Olive Oil. Oh yeah... I'm using it tonight. Pan frying some chicken breasts seasoned with salt and black pepper and then dressed with some fresh lemon juice just before serving. Yeah it doesn't sound all that adventurous to me but OMG does my kitchen smell amazing!!!!

Edited to Add: OMG. He just took me out to the Woodland's Mall. That store is MADE. OF. AWESOME! I am now snacking on Pomegranite Olive Oil and Chibatta Bread. HEAVEN! I also got some Cherry Balsamic Vinegar to dress some fresh fruit with.... ::Drools:: I do not deserve him heh.

Also, I WENT TO THE MALL! Y'all I haven't been to the mall in 3 years because I couldn't walk. I walked that sucker and was FINE!!! WOOT.

Freedom! Freedom! FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOM!

I have lived in Houston for 5 years. (This year does TOO count! :P ) I have NEVER driven in Houston. NEVER.

Until, tonight. I drove myself to Kroger. I bought groceries for my family. I brought said groceries home to the family... BY MY SELF. No one had to drive me. I went when =I= was ready. I didn't have to wait for husband or J to finish what they were doing in World of Warcraft or for them to take a shower. I WENT ALONE.

I got to listen to the radio station =I= wanted in the car. (Ooops... I forgot to put it back on his station of choice. He's in a for a shock tomorrow morning heh) I USED MY BLINKERS. I flipped of the jackass that tried to steal my parking spot at the store. I WENT ALONE!

::does the Snoopy Dance of Happiness::

Ahhhhh....

I know I've been posting a lot of stuff like this lately and I apologize for how superficial and dull they may seem to everyone, but, for me these are major life milestones. ::does Snoopy Dance again::

Rubies and Garnets and Diamonds, OH MY!

I LOVE sparkly things. Rings in particular. I used to have QUITE the collection. I had an amethyst, several ruby, a pearl, a diamond and some others as well.

At some point in time, they stopped fitting my fat, stubby lil fingers.

Today, we found several of them. My wedding band and engagement ring are LOOSE. Like, don't wanna wear them for fear they'll fall off when I wash my hands loose.

We also found my two ruby rings. One, I have never been able to wear. It was too big for the pinky and too small for my right ring finger. I now have it comfortably on my right ring finger. The other, I used to be able to wear on my right ring finger. I am, at this very moment, wearing it on my index finger!

Small victories... they taste soooo good.

Must. Have. Must. Play. MUST. PLURK!

I have a new obsession. PLURK!

It's a little like Twitter but much more conversational and loopy. You MUST waste time this weekend checking it out!

You can find me there as NotAMeanGirl. :)

Cyst-o-maticly Falling Apart

I really hate it when someone says, "I have good news, and, I have bad news. Which do you want first?" However... I have goo... nahhh I'll just give it to ya straight.

I heard from my Dr. yesterday. I do have some evidence of endometriosis but not enough to cause the amount of pelvic pain I'm having. The culprit seems to be clusters of cysts on both ovaries. Yeah... CLUSTERS. WTF?

The ultrasound tech mentioned that I had A large cyst on my RIGHT ovary... then she clammed up. I mentioned that before but it is relevant so I'm re-iterating. Turns out it was NOT one big cyst. It's a CLUSTER of smaller cysts.... And I have them on BOTH ovaries. Love-er-ly.

Surgery is a possibility but they want to put me on birth control pills to see if that will handle the problem. I'm stoked that they want to try something other than surgery but... GUH. Birth control pills and I ... we're not really friendly. In fact, they tend to make me batshit crazy. BAT. SHIT.

Husband almost DIVORCED me cause they made me so nuts.

Funny story, when I was Senora Psychopath he was in the Air Force full time. He had worked 16 hours straight and was EXHAUSTED. He didn't even get his foot ALL THE WAY IN THE FRONT DOOR before I went OFF! I have no clue what about. Probably the color of the trim on the couch or something similarly important. Anyway, the poor man turned around WITHOUT A WORD, and went... back... to... the ... base. After a 16 hour day. I ... suck. He called a few hours later asking if it was safe for him to come home and I cried the ugly, snot filled cry apologizing and groveling.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how I react to the Yaz pill. If any of you have any experience with this one lemme know.

I have also scheduled the consult with the surgeon for the removal of that knot of scar tissue with the endometrial tissue on the top of it. It'll be June 26th. Seems like I may be in Houston for a while. :)

Trying to Step Out of the Black...

I have a serious problem. I've been fighting with depression all my life. It's worse at some times than at others. I take medication daily for it.

The problem is... I feel myself slipping away a little more each day lately.

I shouldn't be. I'm home, in Houston, with Husband, J and Shecky. I SHOULD be happier, right?

Yeah... not happening. I'm going to admit some things below that are really, not pretty, but I need to put them out there. I started this blog to make myself accountable for things so maybe, just MAYBE doing it with this will help me beat it back. Mah Blog is a big ole' stick to fight The Black.

Until this morning....

I hadn't showered since Thursday.
I hadn't brushed my hair in 2 days.
I didn't get dressed for 2 days.
I hadn't cleaned anything in the house other than dishes since Friday.
I have been eating crap.
I have not been counting my calories.


I forced myself to drag ass outta bed and fix these things this morning.

I still don't really give a damn though. That's the part that frightens me. I've been this way before, more than once. I pulled through but each time it was harder and harder to force my way out of it. Fake it till you make it only works for so long.

I hide it well. Those that don't know me well would never guess how empty I feel. How little matters to me right now. I hide it well. I don't know how NOT to hide it. I feel shamed that I care so little about much of anything... but I don't know how to fix it when I get like this.

Today... I'm going to count my calories and eat better foods. I'm going to clean, REALLY clean one room of the house, maybe two if I have the time and energy.

Today... I'm going to MAKE myself walk for exercise.

Today... I'm going to push through The Black.

Tomorrow... I'll start over and do it all again...

I just hope I don't have to keep pushing for too long. I'm not sure I have it in me to do it for very long anymore...

So... I was supposed to find out my ultrasound results Friday afternoon. They hadn't been "scanned in" yet. I had to call back this afternoon and try again. I called at 2:30 pm and got voice mail. I left a message asking for a return call with the resutls and...

Nothing.

I never heard back from them.

FOOKERS!!!

I'll call again in the morning.

I'm trying to not to call the surgeon until I have the results but... screw it. I'm calling him tomorrow too. I need this stuff to get RESOLVED.

Aunt Flo made her appearance today and I'm feeling like ass.

I apologize if I am doing a lot of whining lately. I just don't have it in my to be all happy, happy, joy, joy.

ow are YOU guys doing?

Come As You Are...

Sweetney put forth a challenge to everyone in the Blogaverse. Publish a picture of yourself AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW on your blog.

You all know I have issues. Hate the way I look. I'm YOOGE. Blah, blah blah.... and that I have avoided putting a picture of myself out there for ever... well... today I'm sucking it up. Here's me, as I am now, all 388 lbs of me. No make up. Hair pulled back in a headband. :)

Doctor, Doctor... Gimme the News...

So, I'm back from the Dr. now. I got good news and bad news. The good news is that its not cancer or cancer related. WOOT!

The BAD news... is that its endometriosis. Anonymous commenter... you got it in one! The real kicker is some of the endometrial tissue is actually OUTSIDE my body. The knot on my c-section scar is indeed scar tissue. However, it is covered with endometrial tissue which is causing the knot to bleed. The endometrial tissue also has an infection. Lucky me. I'm now on a 10 day course of Bactrum. I have to have an ultrasound Thursday to have a look see at the internal endometriosis and then I have to go see a surgeon. Correcting this problem will take at least one surgery (removal of the knot and the endo tissue on and around it) and possibly a second one depending on what the ultrasound shows.

Surgery scares the crap outta me. It took me almost a year to fully heal my c-section. However, I like my odds a lot better with this than if it had been cancer.

BTW, friends, my Dr? Dr. Heid Nashed-Gurigris... is a goddess. I now have vicodin for the pelvic pain. Maybe I can function now when it acts up.

Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers. Knowing you guys were pulling for me and praying for me made a difference in my sanity. ::Gives big cyberhugs to everyone::

Summer Time, Summer Time, Sum-Sum-Summer Time

Today is Sheckys first day of Summer Vacation!

The last day of school a letter was sent home with all the kids. On the back, there was an essay by Robert Kelly-Goss of the N.Y. Times News Service. It made me weep... just a little. It made me realize... often, these days, kids are just miniature adults rather than carefree lil' kids.

It's Time Kids Did What Kids Do In Summer As We Used To ...

I want you to run wild and free through the streets of your neighborhood on a hot summer afternoon, tiring yourself so thoroughly that you can barely make it to the bed before you put pajamas on and brush your teeth.

I would like to see you stain the soles of your feet green and brown and cause your mother to shake her head as she scrubs so hard to get it off, but it won't until the first chill of autumn drives your shoes back on your feet.

I want you to show me what a fort looks like and just how you would build it.

I want you to rummage through scrap piles and find wonderfully odd pieces of wood and the like and build a fort, then I DARE you boys to keep the girls out; it won't work. I promise.

I want to see you, when you're tired, sitting int he shade of a giant tree, sipping lemonade poured from the stand you set up, leftover after you sold a few nickles' worth to a passerby.

I would like to see you and your friends on your bikes, towels slung over your shoulders, riding furiously to the local pool or the water hole.

I want to see you on your way back, pedaling a little slower, no worse for the wear, but rightly tired just the same.

I want to see you at bat imitating your favorite player, not at screen, seeing a virtual image of him as he plays a game you control with a joystick.

I want to see you find simple pleasures and joy from merely picking up a dandelion and blowing it into the sky. Watching those little feathery pieces float in the sunlight, your face lit up, ear to ear.

I want to see you give up the frustrations of a life inside, or on the cell phone, and head back out where the world is more than a text message or an e-mail to a friend.

It's where friends meet, or happen upon one another, and days are spent just doing whatever, imagining things and creating games so fanciful and imaginative that suddenly it's late, and your parents are worried, and you might be in for it now because you missed your curfew.

Dear child, I would like to see you jump in the puddles outside your house in the rain or even play a silly game of hide and seek.

I just want to see you, outside, playing, away from video games and computers and cellphones and televisions.

I want to see you having the kind of fun that can only happen because you're bored, and forced to create something out of nothing. That's what I would like for you, child, as summer nears.

He's been inside all day. He can't find anyone to play with outside. He hates playing alone. Meh. So far he's watched TV, played on the laptop, Played with the X-Box 360, watched MORE TV... sigh. I have no clue what to do with him. I want all those things FOR him... but I have no idea how to GIVE them to him when he abhors playing alone so much... and I can't do most of those things just yet.

Stream of Conciousness Blogging at It's Oddest

Cancer runs through my family like a fire in the woods during a drought. My uncle on Dad's side, both his parents, even dad himself had pre-cancerous cells removed. My maternal grandfather, several great uncles... the list just goes on an on.

I'm scared. I'm not to proud to admit it. There is something... wrong... with my body. It makes absolutely no sense. I've researched it on the Internet... and... nothing... fits. Not even my fear of cancer... but it's there... lurking... making my cry at odd moments.... Driving me to drink until I loose time and hurl on the shoes of people that have known me most of my life. That's not a metaphor friends... THAT... was my Saturday night.

I know this fear is unreasonable, but, it's not... all at the same time. I have no idea what is causing the issue I'm having. Cancer is ... not... unknown. It's something I can hold onto in my head and I know something about... have experience with. God... maybe my focusing on that possibility is making me... less ... afraid simply because it's not unknown? Maybe fearing the worst I can think of will make it easier to deal with whatever it actually IS?

I have a knot... on my C-section scar. I've had it for 4-5 YEARS now. In the last year or so its begun bleeding just before my cycle begins.... it weeps at other times... I have pain for a week AFTER my cycle ends. Deep pain... where my scar is. I'm scared... I hurt... I'm obsessed...

I have a Dr.'s appointment with my PCP Monday. I fully expect to be referred to a different doctor for tests. I don't expect to know much more after my appointment than I do now. Yet, I'm going and hoping I'm wrong.

It's probably NOTHING and I'm overreacting... but the pain... the bleeding... the weeping... they're scary things... things I don't understand.

I am a control freak... hear me whimper...

Yanno...

I'm just going to call this post things that are pissin' me off.

My son and his unshakable belief that if he argues with me he'll be able to change my mind.

My body and its penchant for causing me pain... lots of pain... and scaring the crap out of me.

My body again for bleeding in places it shouldn't be... and not giving me an explanation as to said fluid leakage.

My parents for acting like children when they deal with one another... and I DO NOT mean in a good way.

My bank for not giving me free money :P

That is all...

HOLYSHITHOLYSHITHOLYSHIT HOLY SHIT HO-LEE SHEEEEEET!

My friends... I have just had confirmation that this whole journey is totally and completely NOT.... a waste of time.

Ijustdrovethemotherlovingcar!!!!!

Let me say that again for you...

I. JUST. DROVE. THE. MOTHER. LOVING. CAR!!!!!

I haven't been able to drive in 4 years folks. I haven't been able to fit behind the WHEEL in for years.

OHMYGOD!

I'm so incredibly stoked its unreal.

::Takes a deep breath::

If you've never been unable to drive yourself places for a long period of time let me explain.

It is, quite possibly, one of the worst feelings in your life to be totally dependant on others for transportation for you and your child. Being beholden to someone else's availability. Being unable to get away. Being unable to surprise those you love with gifts without their knowledge. Being able to go to the grocery store or take your kid out just the two of you... It's... demoralizing. It's depressing. It's ridiculously limiting.

To have it be an issue because of your size... is all of those things to the Nth degree.

I feel empowered and free'd suddenly....

Now, I just need a vehicle.... LOL

What's Red and Whiney and Dramatic All Over?

THAT, my friends, would be my 7 year old son, Shecky. Holy Hells! The boy made it home safely yesterday. In fact, he deemed it "The Best Day Of My Life!" However, he got one HECK of a sunburn.

This morning it was all winces, whines and wailing about how much it was STINGING! "Jesus Christ that stings!" was heard several times. After laughing privately in the bathroom, fussing at him for hollering "Jesus Christ!" and putting vinegar and vitamin E oil on his burn, the morning progressed normally.

He called his dad and was using the MOST pitiful voice in the HISTORY of pitiful voices. 5 minutes into the conversation I hear him say the following:

"Dad! Why aren't you asking me why I SOUND like THIS?"

I think I bit through my lip trying not to burst into spontaneous Mocking Mommy Laughter! Oh My Hells. That boy CAN bring the drama!

Eat Like a Bird or...

What NAMG is doing to loose weight THIS week.

OK... so... Weigh In Day was yesterday. I lost another 3.5 lbs this week! WOOT. I'm rocking the calorie counting!

I'm existing on 1200 to 1600 calories. It all kind of depends on how hungry I am.

A typical food day follows:

Breakfast:

2 Eggs, fried in non-stick spray oil - 140 Calories
2 slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread, toasted- 110 Calories
1 Cuppa Coffee - 0 Calories

Lunch:

2 FF Hot Dogs - 80 Calories
2 Slices Sunbeam TX Giant Bread - 110 Calories
No calorie Mayo (It is real! Check it out!)
Mustard
Catsup
Fresca

Snack:

1 Pkg Reduced Fat Peanut Butter Crackers - 180 Calories

Dinner:

2 Artichoke and Spinach Alfredo Stuffed Chicken Breasts - 480 Calories
1 Cup Baked Beans - 240 Calories
Fresca

Total Calories for the Day: 1340

I'm not feeling deprived. I'm not STARVING, but, I am a bit hungry by the end of the day. It's working well for now, so, onward I go!!!!

Side Note: Shecky is on a field trip today... At a water park. I'm a nervous, fricking wreck!

Weight Loss Walk and Shecky Cuteness

Hey folks. I'm still eating 1200-1600 calories a day. Last week I managed to loose 7.7 lbs. I'm not hungry much. I get a little hungry toward the end of the day but that's it. Definitely not starving.

The exercise pool is out of commission. The pump/heater unit is fried. We've mailed it off. It should reach its destination Monday... ish. God knows when we'll get it back.

Currently I'm walking for exercise. I make the block several times a day. I'm aiming for 5 a day but I haven't made it past 4. The lil hill at the end of my walk KILLS me. I mean like... heart thumping outta my chest OMGICAN'TBREATHE gasping for air KILLS me.

But... I kinda like it. It reminds me why I'm doing this.

Conversation with Shecky day before yesterday:

Sheck: Momma! Guess what "Fall" does to make me do stuff SHE doesn't wanna do?

Me: ??? What ???

Sheck: She gives me PUPPY DOG EYES and LIPS!!!!!

Me: (trying desperately not to crack up) Does it work?

Sheck: Well.. .(Thoughtful silence from him) She's REALLY cute when she does it!

Me: (Loosing my shit) ::FacePalm::

God... it starts EARLY.

WOAH! Mah Keed Ees Ah Suuuupah Jean-ee-ous!!!

Shecky's 4 person team WON THE SCIENCE FAIR!!!! Holy...

Their prize? Monday the school is taking all the winners to a Water Park...

Oh... and there was some sort of trophy... and a certificate. lol.

Kids are so blase sometimes! Congrats Sheck!

I just wish I know what the heck the project WAS. I still dun unnerstand it!!!!

This Is What I've Been Doing With Myself...

Lemme know what y'all think.

To All The Mom's...

Out there who invest their lives in raising their kids... I salute you.

Who work and still manage to maintain a loving and nurturing home... I salute you.

Who stay home raising their children and making that their life's work... I salute you.

Who are there for their adult children when they are in need of a helping hand... I salute you.

Who spend their day's looking after, teaching and helping other's children... I salute you.

Who have adopted or fostered children in need... I salute you.

To My Mom--

Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for everything you put up with. Thank you for being there when I felt all alone. Thank you for giving me the room to become my own person... even when you didn't agree with who that person was. Thank you for everything.

I love you--

Tessa

I Think I've Reached My Limit....

TOO. MUCH. STRESS.

Shecky got his progress reports with his mid-grading period marks. His morning classes? AWESOME. All A's. His afternoon classes? Yeah... not so good. 2 C's and B. His teacher has requested that I call her. Lovely. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's got attitude. He's not listening AT ALL. His grades are slipping and I truly am beside myself wondering what the hell to do at this point.

In mid-stream dealing with all that... Husband calls... His mother has been rushed to an ER in another part of the state with what the SUSPECT is a heart attack. We just SAW her this past weekend. She seemed off but there's a lot of stress going on for her and I just figured that was to blame.

Shit.

Then, my all knowing father decides, TONIGHT, AT SHECKY'S FRIGGIN BEDTIME, that he's to old to need the lamp that he keeps on while he goes to sleep. WTF BBQ? Give me a fekking break! Shecky, of course, melted down in a big way and I ended up staying upstairs with him, on my bed, until he fell asleep. Now, Shecky is sleeping on my king sized bed and I'll be sleeping on a wing back chair.

God... I better loose this week or SOMEONE is getting hurt.

I Am So Over...

American Idol.

Jason Castro was totally eviscerated in the last few weeks of this "Reality TV Show". HATE.

What was once a show purported to be about kids getting a shot at their dream carreer in music has disintegrated into a show about cruel comments to kids living in a pressure cooker. It's just no longer fun to watch.

I am sad. I used to love this show. I used to be pissed that it didn't start until AFTER I was above the age cap. Meh. Done with it. THIS is what they threw away....

!#@$!#$^(!@# !@#&?~^@%*?6

I gained 11 lbs. In a WEEK. So. NOT. HAPPY.

I felt stuffed all day yesterday and only managed to eat 2200 calories. Bleh. Hate.

I'm considering dropping to 1600 calories a day. Not sure though. Damn. I need a magic bullet.

They Call Me... Dr. Looooooove

Hello my friends! I had a pretty good weekend despite sleeping on a love seat for 2 nights, not eating much and ummm... forgetting to pack my underwear. (Yes. I AM an idiot. Why do you ask?)

Husband retired. I spent some time with the in laws which was... nice. A little nerve wracking because we had too damn many people in a teeny tiny house. (6 adults, 1 very active child and 2 dogs... one of which could qualify as a small horse.)

I visited with my doctor Friday. She was still very pleased with my progress. 80 lbs in 9 months. She was a little concerned about my recent caloric intake. She has put me on 2500 calories a day... I was like... Yer KIDDING me, right? She was all... no... not really.

We also discussed surgical options again. Sigh. We had a long talk about it and I basically told her the idea of it just freaks me right. the. frick. out! It gives me the heebie jeebies and premonitions of DOOOOOOOOOOM. (Cause I'm a pansy like that.) Also that my heal rate is really slow and infection rate is really high and that it took me 5 MONTHS to heal from my C-section when I had Shecky and that was just one lil ole incision and not massive internal re-arranging... and... just. NO.

She laughed and said... "Ok then. No on the surgery." Thank GOD I amuse her so much. LOL. Otherwise, she'd just think I was a crackpot... though... she DID double my Zoloft. (PMDD... GOD it's a bitch!)

So, today I started 2500 calories. I managed to scarf down 652 calories for breakfast. HOLY HELL! That's almost as much as I ate in a frickin' day! I had:

1 Biscuit
1 Sausage Patty
1 slice of 2% American Cheese
1 C. of 2% Milk
1 Medium Sized Orange

That my friends... equals 652 calories. It's really not all THAT much food. It's the whole what you eat vs. how much you eat. Whew. I have no CLUE what I'm going to have for lunch. Mebbe a can of soup and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich. It's raining and damp and kinda chilly today. That sounds kinda good to me. I'm not at all sure how many calories it is though.

Whew. I'm talky today. If you're interested come back tonight and I'll have another post for you about Shecky and how he's driving me insane. Heh.

Happy Sink-o Da My-o. (I can't speel in Spaneesh.)